Shoulda seen the look on your Williamsburg faces.

Anyways is Plennyways, Lemme ask you this: How you gonna fire Jim Belushi from “According to Jim??” Believe me, Street Carnage only wishes they could fire me. Now back to bidnes; BAAAAAM!!
Whassup niggaz and ho’s – sidewinder here. BAAAAAM!!

Shoulda seen the look on your Williamsburg faces.

Anyways is Plennyways, Lemme ask you this: How you gonna fire Jim Belushi from “According to Jim??” Believe me, Street Carnage only wishes they could fire me. Now back to bidnes; BAAAAAM!!

Astute StreetCarnage reader Anastasia writes:

Yeah, self-righteous political rants by the edgily-named blognigger are so much better than photos of supermodels in bondage shot by Terry Richardson. What?

Well listen: she’s right about the first part. No matter how much you enjoy the writing of some bloggummer, you’re going to have a tough time convincing me that a bunch of writing is more entertaining than tits. And bondageTits? Cmon. Stop kissin my dick or you’ll be required to submit your gayscale scores as part of my comment captchas.

That second part though…jesus. The second part of Anastasia’s comment just rapes my rage valve. It’s essay-worthy:

“…shot by Terry Richardson.”

Ohhhh, these four little words just get my clit into a kykewrench.

I’ve never been able to tolerate this sentiment – it’s like a pretension and shit sandwich on a chalkboard: The idea that it matters one iota who TAKES a photograph of a supermodel’s tits (as long as they meet a certain standard of technical competence that is roughly equivalent to what it takes to operate a gmail account) is just beyond offensive. This abortion of artistic justice cannot stand- it is therefore my duty to explain why… PHOTOGRAPHY IS FOR JERKOFFS.

Now: The modern practice of Photography belongs to a genre of psuedo-art that I refer to as “Auto-Pilot Jizzcock.”

Other prominent pseudo-arts in the Auto-Pilot Jizzcock genre include: DJ-ing and Sampling.

1) DJ-ing - Oh Christ the ATTITUDE from these Lawn-Gisland mulletted fucks – just for playing a bunch of CDs at a party! Take DJ AM for example: (Too soon?) Now, I don’t think he should have gotten into a plane crash or anything – I’m TERRIFIED of planes and he’s the fucking man for surviving that shit with money and stop drop and roll, and he’s also the man for taking advantage of stupid people and society to the point where he can fuck Nicole Ritchie and make tons of money just for playing CDs. Jesus Christ though — the attitude!! The little jewish bastid has to PUSH A FUCKING BUTTON and then music by other people comes out of a stereo! At press time, DJs can be 90% replaced by an iPod playlist, and hopefully in the near future as more advanced technologies become affordable, all DJs will starve. (p.s. Don’t you fags dare bend my words to make it sound like I’m dissing musical geniuses like the Invisibl
Skratch Piklz)

2) Sampling - This pseudo-art makes shooting heroin and doing pushups look like composing The Rite of Spring. To make matters worse, sampling has the unique value-add of being able to ruin the original genius of the source material. It’s like music AIDS that songs can randomly catch after you know and love them.

Here are the top three worst sampling offenses of all time:

-Vanilla Ice stealing Bowie
-Puff Daddy or some other useless chapstick-wearing black person stealing Kashmir
-Kid Rock stealing Skynyrd and Zevon and putting them together to creating this frankenstein piece of shit which is literally the worst song I’ve ever heard including my mom’s moans as she was fucking my uncle with me in her womb.

Now to photography.

There’s a part of photography that I DO think is impressive:

a) Ansel Adams going to the north fucking pole and shit? Props. That shit is HARD. It’s cold and there are fucking BEARS and no food. Creds.

b) Niggas going into war zones and shit and taking shit like this and this without throwing up or getting killed? PROPS.

Now that that’s outta the way, let’s take a look at the other 99.99999% of photographers who take pictures like the following and have little girls like Anastasia rubbing their legs together like crickets over it:

You know what fucking genius photogapher took all this bullshit? No, not fucking Terry Bozzio or whoever photographed that other skinny Auchwitz bitch you fags were all beating off to; no. It was Terry Schivo, olava sholom: She took the photos 3 days before the feds put the bitch out to pasture.

Here’s how to be a photographer: If you follow these steps, you CANNOT fail at getting an art show at a shitty gallery in the city somewhere, and unless you have terrible breath you WILL get laid. If you can’t follow these steps, you will be a BAD PHOTOGRAPHER which is like being bad at using a microwave oven and you should then literally go play penuckle with my grandfather at The Home. You will be in great company, as he too is a BAD MICROWAVER.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make sure you have a LOT OF FUCKING NATURAL LIGHT.

2) Make sure the natural light SOURCE is behind you

3) Make sure the flash on your camera is OFF. If you need a FLASH, it means you don’t have enough NATURAL LIGHT. (step 1)

4) Look through the viewfinder: Make sure that everything in your shot is symmetrical. If a tiny bit of it isn’t, like a bird or a queer walking down the street, that’s OK because it makes the photo “cool.” Go watch every Stanley Kubrick movie ever made if you don’t understand this. (Study Alex’s fake eyelash as the archetypal stylistic symmetry violator)

5) Take pictures of everyday shit from stupid angles but make sure it’s all SYMMETRICAL and that it isn’t MOVING.

6) Make sure YOU don’t move or have your fat black fingers in front of the lens when you push the button. (priceless tip: push the button down halfway, wait for a clicky sound, and then push it all the way in – this is the BIG photography secret that professionals don’t want you to know.)

7) Take TONS of photos of the same thing and then only use the good ones where the bird or the queer wasn’t blinking.

You’re done. You’re a fucking photographer. See how easy that is? That’s because it’s for JERKOFFS.

Here’s some evidence that what I’m saying is true: Ask yourself this: Why was every picture taken on 9-11 (all taken by totally random shmoes) better than any other photograph you’ve ever seen? It’s because photography is Auto-Pilot Jizzcock. If you are taking pictures of something that’s FUCKING INCREDIBLE, your photograph will then be better than the best picture that the best photographer can take of a piece of dogshit.

For example: Imagine you had a real picture of GOD or a UFO or Barak Obama fucking Osama Bin Laden in his anteater ass? If you just happened to be lucky enough to see one of those things and have a camera with you, you would instantly be known as the best photographer of all time.

You could never in a million years say the same thing about a real art: Let’s say you saw GOD or a UFO and then WROTE about it. Your writing would still suck shit and be way worse than James Joyce or Jim Goad’s killer works. That’s because writing is a real art that you can’t just push a button and have a machine do for you.
To recap: VAN GOGH’s oil painting of dogshit is better than your oil painting of GOD!!! The same is not true of photographs.

Okay, one last thing. In case you do decide to take photographs, the least you can do is to try to be truly creative and utilitarian, and I can help. Here is my current project which I need someone with bigger balls than me to help with:

My new jam is taking pictures of white girls’ hands on the subway while they hold onto the metal train poles. Here’s why: As you might know, I’m mad into handjobs from white chicks. So, my plan is to take these pictures and then photoshop dicks into their hands instead of the poles so that it looks like real girls giving handjobs on the train. Even typing that much is giving me a semi-lobber.

Here’s what I have so far:

Photoshopping is a bit hard but I plan to download some clip art called the “handcock megapack,” which is a series of dicks with little hand-and-knuckle shapes cut out as a transparencies – it’s supposedly used for exactly this purpose.

Here’s my problem: I have to use my shitty little phone cam to take these subway flix cause I’m too scared of getting busted to use a real camera. If you are a real photographer you should be ballsy enough to take these pictures yourself AND know how to photoshop dicks in for me. I prefer ones with nailpolish and manicures the most (hands not the dicks) so if you can help me out with any part of this, you know where to find me.

Take care,
Blognigger.

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Photographers are all over my school. It’s the new cool job and not only can anyone do it, but everybody does it.

Photographers are all over my school. It’s the new cool job and not only can anyone do it, but everybody does it.

Look at the faces these fuckers are making. The facial gesture says they’re not comfortable when someone points a camera in their direction so they throw up some quick smirk of bewilderment.

The girl pictured above has the most genuine appearance in facial honesty knowing that photography isn’t really a true art form. The kid with the photo-lens-fanny pack has come to terms with this. While he knocked back his coffee trying to ignore me, I crept around to get a better angle for a second photo. Then he turned his lens right at me causing an impulse of light from the flash of my shit box camera that ruined the photo. This is a trick I did not know. Same goes for stop signs.

The black guy’s face screams idiot confidence. In his mind he thinks “the art” of photography is a concept that “non-creative people” can’t grasp. He has yet to come to terms with the simple notions of point and shoot, use the light to your advantage and always remember to take the lens cap off. I can’t blame the guy’s confidence but the girl he was taking photos of would of(did)made me have the stupidest, sloppiest dopey-grinning drip from me too drool.

This kid looks likes he’s kissing a girl, has ear plugs in and four arm bands. I was forced to hang out with him. He was a true weirdo: a person who tries to act normal but behind closed doors lets the freak out to cater to his spoiled reality. (This kid can also be seen in the background of the update to streetboner #284. I think he was creeping around the ladies I was trying to photograph.)

I was staying with the girl he’s chatting with in the photo for SXSW. He asked my permission if she could go home with him and if I would like to sleep on his couch. I told him he had better have some goddamn beer. “Yeah that sounds like a great idea you hell of a gentlemen you. I just sleep on this couch while you raw dog my drunk-ass friend, good idea, I’m totally down.”

Instead, me and the girl kidnapped some kid from a band and kept ‘em up all night. He arrived late to his hotel for the 11:am checkout. The kid had to then ride in a van with his band of about 10 for 18 hours straight to Ohio. The poor fucker. I kinda felt bad about that one. He wasn’t quite weirded out enough with us insisting that he “take what the doctor prescribed,” so I videotaped the whole ordeal to make him feel better. For some reason strangers don’t like to be videotaped.

I don’t even want to get into the smug looks of the last two characters. I’d rather not look at them but they go with the theme. It looks like the world hasn’t kicked’em hard enough in the nuts yet, or shit, maybe they know too much. Anyhoo, look at that girl that buddy was taking photos of. I don’t remember what she had on under that shirt. I think I got a peek though. I can’t remember much these days.

Best regards,

MLK

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