(The guy who played Sticks later got into porn and eventually died of AIDS. Let’s hope Obama doesn’t choose the same post-stardom path.)

Well you really did it didn’t you? You voted for a guy because he was cool and now we’re stuck with Sticks from Happy Days as our president.

I hated Bush because he spent all our money and started a bunch of unwinnable wars with ethereal enemies like “terror.” Where he blew about 3k per American worker on Iraq, Obama has decided to up the anti with a massive spending plan that comes to about 16k per American worker (that includes you). Remember when Tony Montana goes, “First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the money?” Well, Obama must fucking love Scarface because he’s made that America’s business plan. In the interim, his solution is to print more and more money. Good.

So he spends five times more than Bush (the biggest spender in presidential history) but at least he’s going to end the war, right? No, he’s actually doubled the war. Now we have to go to Afuckinghanistan? Are you kidding me? That’s the place where nobody’s won a war, ever (mostly because we trained them to be amazing). After Obama’s new surge, the total number of Western troops there will be 100,000 which is exactly what Russia started with before they were eaten alive. Great idea fucklips. This smells so strongly of Vietnam you’d think someone was cooking Pho Bo Soup up my ass.

When I saw you all dancing on the streets of Brooklyn on Election Day I knew you were only happy about the way he looks and the way he talks. You didn’t care about his policies. You only care about policies when it’s someone important like a comedian or a band.

Most of you still pump your fists in the air just because your president is black. If Bush multiplied spending by five and added another country to the war, you’d shit yourself. Now you just say, “It’s the only way.” You remind me of Mac users who will defend their shitty iPhones to the death and take relentless incompatibility issues and fees just because they’re proud to say, “I’m not a PC.”

Well, it may not be PC but the president can lick the sweat off my balls while I beat off and cum all over his gaylord face.

PS: I told you so.

(If you don’t feel like this guy, you love taxes and war.)

No related posts.

Krs One feels like my father. Fuck you, I’ve been listening to him since I was ten. The tones of his voice, his speech patterns, his laugh, his buggy eyes, his energy, his PHIL OS AH PHY; all of him just feels so familiar and familial.

Krs One feels like my father. Fuck you, I’ve been listening to him since I was ten. The tones of his voice, his speech patterns, his laugh, his buggy eyes, his energy, his PHIL OS AH PHY; all of him just feels so familiar and familial.

When you see him perform live, vouch for me, you get the feeling that he’s coming from a place of higher authority. What he does on stage is so effortless, so inspired; he’s not like anyone else I’ve ever seen.

By now you’ve all seen The Obama Deception – The new Loose Change for Obama’s American Era. When I see KRS One speak in this video I get the chills; that’s the man. It’s all there – the brilliance in his Burger King analogy – the rolling, lumbering, unstoppable momentum of his passion.

KRS first broke my heart in 2001 – though I escaped from Tower One with plenty of time to spare, in the months that followed I had an inexcusably low tolerance for people fucking with 9/11. A lot of my behavior was embarrassing, including my all-out support for Bush’s invasion of Iraq, which I know I need to own up to at some point. Regardless of my idiocy, KRS One was very outspoken about cheering 9/11, and I just wasn’t having it.

I wasn’t able to listen to his music for quite some time.

I’ve since returned to listening to him – probably something to do with the end of the world. I’ve looked past his intense devotion to Christianity – a trait that’s very difficult for me to overlook in ANY family member. I’ve looked past the negativity he allegedly pressed upon his son regarding the kid’s being a homosexual – and I’ve tried not to let myself speculate whether this could have been part of the kid’s decision to commit suicide. I’ve looked past all his 9-11 shit, and I’m gonna look past this new shit too.

But guys, come close cause it’s tough for me to say. Loose Change was bullshit, and The Obama Deception is too.

Presenting evidence is just too boring: Instead, the most compelling way to illustrate what’s really going on is with the following video. It’s called 9/11 Debate: Loose Change vs. Popular Mechanics. It shows the angry, melodramatic kids behind Loose Change going up against the calm, adult scientists of Popular Mechanics, who disprove each one of the Loose Changers’ amateur conspiracy theory claims. They do so in a determined and focussed fashion, and stay calm when the Loose Change kids get real angry real fast. The kids act arrogantly and obnoxiously- calling the grown-ups names, snickering rudely at their arguments, and generally acting like little spoiled brats.

This is what happens when conspiracy meets science.

And now here comes The Obama Deception – I appreciate that so many of you sent this to me, but listen – you have to know it’s just another chapter in conspiracy fiction. None of this stuff is real.

Look carefully past the superficial genius of KRS’ Burger King analogy: look deeper and you’ll see that it actually doesn’t make any sense. See, in real life there IS no franchise owner: There’s no single mastermind of any global conspiracy. There are just patterns that take place because of human behavior and the laws of economics and sociology – if you believe in evolution, think of it that way because it’s the same exact thing: Design without a designer.

Believing in an evil conspiracy mastermind is like believing in creationism.

I love KRS, and I want him to be right about everything he says, but he’s not. I don’t want to guess at why KRS believes this stuff, but then, I don’t want to guess at why he believes in an invisible monster called Jesus who hates people who were born homosexual.

Believing that there’s a mysterious group of smoking men creating this conspiracy is just an easy way of avoiding responsibility – and those are some of the things that KRS does nail. Fuck it, those are some of the things he taught me: the fact that we need to take responsibility. The black community needs to take responsibility for fathers leaving their kids and letting them end up in jail. The white community needs to take responsibility for rolling loaded dice with the stock market and destroying our economy. It’s our responsibility to change – and not by fantasizing about identifying and overthrowing some invisible evil mastermind.

This wasn’t done to us by some vengeful Big Brother; it was just done by us.

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Neo-Cynicism Now Strictly “For and By the Fags”

Hipster, Punk, Goth, Metal, Hippie, Hip-Hop, Queerbeast; Regardless of the clothing required or language faked, all “scenes” are spawned from exactly the same 2 human conditions: Insecurity and Boredom.

Neo-Cynicism Now Strictly “For and By the Fags”

Hipster, Punk, Goth, Metal, Hippie, Hip-Hop, Queerbeast; Regardless of the clothing required or language faked, all “scenes” are spawned from exactly the same 2 human conditions: Insecurity and Boredom.

In Highschool, there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking the music you feel most drawn to, dressing like the other people who listen to it, learning a baseball-card-fagload about it, and becoming obsessed. In fact, this full-scale immersion can be the key to getting friends, getting laid, and being happy. Anyone urging highschool kids to “avoid scenes,” “embrace individuality,” and “just be themselves,” has let a little too much time pass since they last stood alone in a school-gym shower, friendless and shrivel-dicked, facing the wrath of jocks with hugely successful portfolios.

As we grow older, our chosen scene begins to bring us value of a more abstract nature: During this phase, our scene is primarily useful in combating the metaphysical boredom inherent in the life of a 9-to-5 drone. Many more adults would succumb to boredom and sorrow related deaths (due, for example, to shotgun-face, openwrist, and the extended boomdrop neckstretch) if they were unable to count-down the days until they and their old nostalgia-droogs were joining up at Pete’s house to head to the next Screeching Weasel gig.

So, not only are “scenes” an American Tradition™ – they’re a goddamn survival technique! Despite the preaching of self-professed Scene-Haters (who as we all know, are hypocritical in their formation of a scene based on hating scenes – see facebook group: ‘people who hate facebook groups’), scenes are clearly a win-win.

…and it goes without saying that our own one-true-scene deserves special mention in this conversation, being that it is so much sweller than all other scenes!

But wait – Listen:

We must never fall into the common retard-trap of allowing ourselves to believe, for even a second, that there’s any deeper “meaning,” or “movement” behind our chosen music-and-t-shirt collective.

Just as we’d all laugh our asses off at a Hippie’s suggestion that they were somehow saving the planet by turning their heads into birds’ nests and listening to The Phish, equally laughable is the idea that cynicism, our scene’s version of a Hippie’s “peace n’ love,” is somehow making our society better. (see Fig. 0.9)

Being cynical is FUN, and it gets you pussy, but that’s not the same thing as it being an actionable worldview that makes you smart and helps the world get fixed: Therefore, never get uppity while you wax neo-cynical – fatal error right there!

Here’s a fun fact: I, me, Blognigger – I do not do anything to make a difference. I sit on my ass, jack it to pr0ns, listen to Daniel Carver of the KKK tapes, and think of funny shit to write. I’m a lazy cunt who for the most part cares only about my own family and sometimes other people’s families, IFF the director on cnn does a good job of editing the segment such that I feel bad and momentarily stomach-heavy.

If you’re like me and mostly don’t give a shit, and you wanna be a punk nihilist and sit around getting high and being an outsider – that’s cool. But let’s get it straight: WE’RE the assholes who don’t give a shit- Not Obama, for example, and not the people who optimistically worked to bring him to power.

Guess what – Obama has already changed the world by bringing hope and healing to B-B-BILLIONS of people around the globe. Neo-Cynisism can’t fuck with that – it’s real.

-”Obama brings hope but who brings the PBR son more pushups”
-”Yah and BILLIONS more are STARVING cause of Bush”
-”This bores my internets, cuntbat”
-”When did Blognigger go from being Dave Chappelle to Robin Williams”

These are all AWESOME responses offered up by FAGS – they are pretty funny! For even funnier ones, see the comments section below. StreetCarnage is funny shit that I read every word of. Love it! But remember that Hipsters are comedians, and don’t get confused and become self-righteous next time the real world issues come around! Remember: you’re a jerkoff.

As far as the actual, important, REAL issues are concerned, your cynisism is as useless as a hippie’s blonde dreads – and from now on, it is obsolete. Obama has proven you gay.

For those of you who say Obama is just-like-all-the-rest, some kind of shill for corporate interest: You’re the shill. What do you think all this hipster shit is? You spend your money on being told what to think until the biggest media empire of all time pays people like Gavin in treasure because they so perfectly control you. I don’t think that track record quite puts you in a position to judge shillage.

You’re the fucking shills.

NOT all of you! I’ve been amazed by how great some of the Streetcarnage readers are, namely the people who told Gavin to “grow up” during his don’t-vote post, or who supported David Cross in his recent email about how neo-cynics have a twelve inch penis growing out of their foreheads and thus can’t see shit since the balls are in their eyes.

Now prepare yourselves: This is an era in which you will find many people becoming inspired by government. You are going to see a lot of regular people asking what they can do for their country, applying to work for the Obama administration, and trying to make a difference in real life.

I myself won’t be participating, because I’m too fucking lazy, greedy, and scared. But I don’t harbor any illusion that my selfish path somehow makes me smarter than the people who are actually trying to help. (Many of you do – you are “Those in the Know,” as vane$$a says – there you go, you dumb racist cunt: you’re famous.)

Never believe that the cynicism you spend on scene-dues is actually legal tender in the real world – it would be as dumb as a Hippie thinking he can fight global warming by fashioning a testicle-choker out of hemp.

To re-cap, from now on:

“I LOVE Led Zeppelin but I HATE stairway to Heaven” = Ha! Funny and cool hipster cynicism. good stuff!

“The primary target of globalizati–” = ah-ah-ah; shut your cunthole.

Take care!

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Dear Street Carnage,

When my friends ask me if I’m voting for Barack Obama, I ask them if they’ll pay me for the additional taxes I’ll be paying. They usually laugh and say Obama is only going to tax the richest five percent of the population.
UPDATE / NOTICE: WE PRINT EVERY LETTER WE GET.

Dear Street Carnage,

When my friends ask me if I’m voting for Barack Obama, I ask them if they’ll pay me for the additional taxes I’ll be paying. They usually laugh and say Obama is only going to tax the richest five percent of the population. Since I live in a cramped Brooklyn walkup and I’m a writer, they figure I can’t be in the richest 5%. They imagine that’s just people with millions of dollars.

The truth is there aren’t all that many millionaires. The top 5% of the country includes just about everyone who makes over 200k. That might seem rich but it sure doesn’t feel that way.

If you live in NYC, taxes take you down to around 110k. That works out to around 9000 a month. Take out 3000 (at least) for a two bedroom apartment.

Now we’re down to 6000k. That’s 1500 a week. Divide that by two, assuming that we’re talking about a married couple filing jointly, and you’re down to $750 a week for each person. That gives them $107 per day.

Let’s add some normal expenses. $4 each to take the subway from work and back home. A cup of coffee and a paper run another three bucks, because at this stage you aren’t drinking Statbucks. Lunch runs another $10.

Welcome to $90 a day. Let’s give the couple a kid. Diapers. Food. Each parent’s now down to $85. Dinner, breakfast. Let’s say they scrimp and only spend $15 on meals. They’ve got $60 a day.

They probably need health insurance, health insurance, right. That’s at least $5 a day. Oh, the kid needs insurance too. So now they’ve each got around $52 a day.

Utilities and other incidentals take them down another $2. Cell phones another $3. Cable runs them $1.50 each.

So here’s your top 5% family. Living on $45 dollars a day each. A cab ride or a couple of beers after work means they’re nearly living beyond their means. Dinner out at a nice place puts them under for days.

Did they go to college? Take another $8 bucks a day off to pay back the loans.

$37 a day. How much of that do you take from these Richie riches? Remember we haven’t bought clothing, music or sent them to a movie yet.

Can they get by? Of course they can. They may not be poor. But they sure won’t feel rich. Unfortunately, Obama thinks they are, wants to raise their taxes and calls them by a misleading number: 5%.

So, yeah. Maybe we should have a more realistic view of who we’re proposing to tax when we say the rich can pay more. A lot of the rich have less money than we think.

-John Carney

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Obama supporters get real ornery when confronted with friends who support McCain.

Obama supporters get real ornery when confronted with friends who support McCain.

[Click the pic or here for the link]

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Whatup BN,

I don’t know if you had a chance to see the magnificent troll perpetrated by Gavin on StreetCarnage on Tuesday – in case you didn’t, check it out, it was the best thing ever ever ever on the site.

Astute Reader “Streetcarnage Named Dezenuts” writes:

Whatup BN,

I don’t know if you had a chance to see the magnificent troll perpetrated by Gavin on StreetCarnage on Tuesday – in case you didn’t, check it out, it was the best thing ever ever ever on the site.

Anyway I had a thought (a shameful, embarrassing, but original thought!!) and I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who can answer this question for certain. I happen to agree with Gavin that voting is for the most part a useless fucking masturbatory exercise – however, this time it might be different.

So cutting to the chase, and since you seem to be un-offendable let me state it this way for clarity – don’t take this the wrong way – but if Obama wins the presidency, will all the blacks shut the fuck up once and for all?

I know that sounds aggressive, but somehow I know that you’ll realize I don’t mean it offensively. I’m just being honest man.

Well, do they?

Thanks for all the cunning linguistics- you make my days brighter and foggy like weed.

-Clay (Streetcarnage Named Dezenuts)

Happy Halloween, ya cunts.

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Less than two weeks after I did my hilarious Gene Simmons routine, John McCain ripped it off and made an ass of himself in the process. Grow up you 72 year-old child.

Less than two weeks after I did my hilarious Gene Simmons routine, John McCain ripped it off and made an ass of himself in the process. Grow up you 72 year-old child.

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Obama is more than hope. He’s something that takes over your whole body and just fills you with euphoria.

Obama is more than hope. He’s something that takes over your whole body and just fills you with euphoria. Sure sometimes you get too much of him and you start to get a little bit sleepy but there’s wears off and your back to sitting there, eyes half closed, just fucking digging him. If you ever want to get some real inspirado, pour yourself a batch, do a tiny bump of Obama and just chillax. It’s amazing how lubed it makes your brain.

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This doesn’t make any sense. How can there be “no difference” between one guy who 150 million people like and another guy who 150 million people like.

This doesn’t make any sense. How can there be “no difference” between one guy who 150 million people like and another guy who 150 million people like. We were told Obama is going to end the war and make all racists stop being racist and everyone will finally get along. He’s also going to bring “change.” McCain on the other hand is going to make tons more wars and promote racism and let corporations kill us. Oh and he’s going to make abortions illegal again. Isn’t that the deal?

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