STREET CARNAGE » New York

WORD ON THE STREET: MICHAEL JACKSON PT. 2

Peter Madsen — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 17:54:44 +0000

I’m a pretty big Michael Jackson fan. The only thing is that me and my friends talk about the raping of the little 13-year-old boy.

THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOY, UPPER EAST SIDE

Michael Jackson.

I’m a pretty big Michael Jackson fan. The only thing is that me and my friends talk about the raping of the little 13-year-old boy. I mean, I don’ t really know about it but Michael Jackson is one of those guys who changed his life when he either did or didn’t do that stuff. But I still love him. I love his songs, my mom loves his songs. We have a beach house and whenever we’re there we’re playing “Thriller,” “Beat it”—all of them.

What’s the last song of his you really dug?

When you say Michael Jackson, you say “Thriller.”

But did you check out Butterfly ?

I mean, I don’t really like those songs. I just really like his hits.

What year were you born? Did you hear these songs through your parents?

I was born in 1995. Yeah, I heard his songs through my parents and through the radio—

–Like, “hey, this new guy is amazing!”

Yeah!

You heard he died, right?

Uh, yup. I heard that from about a thousand text messages. I heard he had a heart attack, that he was in a coma, that he was alive, that he was dead. I didn’t know what was going on.

All of the above.

It’s strange because they said he’d just gotten checked out and they said he had a healthy heart. He was just about to come back, too.

Would you have taken a date to a Michael Jackson show?

Yeah, maybe! Yeah.

If Michael Jackson was here right now, what would you tell him?

I would say, “You’re awesome, even though you raped a 13-year-old boy” that happens to be me—

It happens to be you?!

–My age! No!

It would have been a happy coincidence for me if you were him.

[laughs] I would tell Michael, “I loved your hits and ‘Thriller.’ You’re a big influence—not in the way of raping.”

Do you think a pop star stands a better chance of getting away with raping kids? Is that fair?

I mean, it’s like if you’re famous like that, you can get away with anything. It’s something I don’t agree with. I think everybody should be equal.

Is OJ Simpson guilty of killing his wife and Ron Goldman? That was before your time.

I don’t know about OJ Simpson.

ASK BARF: TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE

Lesley Arfin — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:12:10 +0000

Dear Lesley,

Can you tell me what to do with my life? ‘Cause I can’t.

Dear Lesley,

Can you tell me what to do with my life? ‘Cause I can’t.

See, the deal is: I moved to San Francisco last year, and then I said, “Fuck this,” and moved somewhere else…a place I shall not name mention because it sucks so much that it doesn’t deserve to have a name. Anyway, now I’m like, “Fuck this,” again, and I’m considering a variety a places to move to. SF, Portland, or NY. What do you think? I really need to get my degree at some point in my life, and since I’m 20 and so old and all, I think I need to get a move on it. I’d like to major in English or something of the like and then, you know, write….or….something. You know how it is, right? Anyway, I’d like to hear your opinion/advice/commentary, because I feel like my youth is slipping away from me, and I’m getting panic attacks because if that, and my lack of direction.

Help me, Oh Wise One, please.

Sincerely,

Another Lost Lamb

Dear Lost Lamb,

Well, you think you’re lost but you actually seem pretty on schedule to me, although I can imagine it might be hard for you to see that. But you know what? How about try? How about accept the fact that you don’t know what to do, where to live, or who you are right now? It’s okay not to know. I order you to stop reading this immediately and tell yourself the following: “I am totally fucking lost and have no idea what I should do about it.” Now take a deep breath. If you need to, say it again. Ok now you can continue reading. I don’t know any of the answers to your questions. All cities suck sometimes, and sometimes they do the opposite, it’s not the city. It’s not the job. It’s not the boy or the shoes or the album. But try all those things because maybe I’m wrong. Fuck, I am wrong. Sometimes it is the album! My dumb advice is to surrender to not knowing and see what happens. It’s tricky to really believing it but you’ll get there eventually I think. Especially because you’re writing to an advice column. The bottom can’t be too far from here. BOO YA!

I seriously love you, for real,

Lesley

STREET CARNAGE GOES TO PARIS

Gavin — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 16:41:57 +0000

When we say “Paris” what we really mean is “Pigalle and Montmarte and maybe a quick sojourn outside but very rarely because it feels kind of barren in the rest of the city.”

When we say “Paris” what we really mean is “Pigalle and Montmarte and maybe a quick sojourn outside but very rarely because it feels kind of barren in the rest of the city.” We went there to visit SC contributor Anne Margreet and we dressed like tough guys from Mean Streets because French people are scared of New York and it’s fun to play into that stereotype. Here’s some stuff we noticed about the city that always sleeps…

GOOD FOOD

Parisians know that fat is bad but they don’t give a shit because fat is where the flavor is. So they let these chickens drip down on to potatoes that taste like running naked through an open field.

Jet lag can fuck with your appetite but who can say no to some steak frites? It’s like the bump of entreés.

POO GRAFFITTI

We all know fart jokes are about as funny as funny gets but who told the frogs? It seemed like every time we turned a corner there was another reference to shit on some piece of public property.

POO

As with most places outside of North America, the toilets are dry heave machines. Is there a water shortage going on? Why do these turds get fresh air?

Check this out. Dude couldn’t wait to finish his ice cream cone so he brought it in with him.

The problem with all this gross shit stuff is it tells your subconscious you don’t need to go to the bathroom. Next thing you know, you have to pass a bowling ball and, unless you’re a 70 year-old gay man, that is going to tear the shit out of your anal lips.

CONFUSING PHRASES

We asked about 5 people what “Fuk la Pranes” means and nobody could tell us. The Internet didn’t have shit to say either.

GOOD SHOES

These were at the Sonia Rykiel store. You could basically stick these on your dad and you’d still get a boner.

This was also in the Rykiel window.

TITILLATION

The French have always been way ahead of us when it comes to sex and nudity and horsing around. This can be seen almost everywhere.

NEAT-O ART

France shuts down at around 10PM so if you want a burger at 11, you had better know a native. Anne Margreet took us to this amazing restaurant where we got pie-eyed and stared at the things on the wall. This is from a photo shoot Anya Phillips did with Mick Jagger. She started the Mudd Club and then died.

“Art History” by Serbian artist Vuk Vidor. You can buy it here.

OLD BUILDINGS

Though the streets are a little too wide for our liking (they told us it was to allow the French army to pass through), it’s pretty hard to beat the architecture. Imagine you lived on the top floor here? Your whole body would have a piss hard on every morning.

NEW YORK MODELS

Chloë modeling a Chloe fragrance for Chloe.

Sissel
-

PIERRE LE CARRÉ

If you are ever in Paris you have to go to a place called Noctambules on Boul. de Clichy. Used to be, every night a guy named Pierre Carré would sing these ridiculous anthems about traveling all over the world which were hilarious because he played there every night for 42 years so how the fuck could he have ever been to “Meh-x-i-c-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!”? He’s old now though and doesn’t get to perform as often but if he does, go see him and kiss yourself on the lips because you just became good luck!

STEVE GUTTENBURG JOGS NUDE

SBTVC — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 10:03:08 +0000

No he doesn’t. There’s no way this is real. Why do people fake things like this? It’s so easy to find real freaks out there. Nick Nolte probably takes his garbage out in the nude. You can’t do a stake out over there?

No he doesn’t. There’s no way this is real. Why do people fake things like this? It’s so easy to find real freaks out there. Nick Nolte probably takes his garbage out in the nude. You can’t do a stake out over there? Look Steve, we all think the Piglet look is the funniest thing a man can do to his body since pulling your pants up to your nipples but if you’re going to try to fool us, you’re going to have to get up before noon. Fail.

BAD SIGN O’ THE TIMES

Nick Thorburn — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:43:21 +0000

Saw this in my neighborhood. This isn’t meant to be funny. You know times are hard when a discount variety store has layaway plans.

Saw this in my neighborhood. This isn’t meant to be funny. You know times are hard when a discount variety store has layaway plans.

Also, if anyone is in the greater metropolitan New York area, my band is playing a last minute show in Brooklyn on Saturday, November 8th at the market hotel in Williamsburg or Bushwick. 1142 Myrtle at 8pm. Hope to see you there.

-Nick Diamonds
I S L A N D S

Howie Doo

DEAR STREET CARNAGE: RICH PEOPLE AREN’T SO RICH

SBTVC — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 20:54:19 +0000

Dear Street Carnage,

When my friends ask me if I’m voting for Barack Obama, I ask them if they’ll pay me for the additional taxes I’ll be paying. They usually laugh and say Obama is only going to tax the richest five percent of the population.
UPDATE / NOTICE: WE PRINT EVERY LETTER WE GET.

Dear Street Carnage,

When my friends ask me if I’m voting for Barack Obama, I ask them if they’ll pay me for the additional taxes I’ll be paying. They usually laugh and say Obama is only going to tax the richest five percent of the population. Since I live in a cramped Brooklyn walkup and I’m a writer, they figure I can’t be in the richest 5%. They imagine that’s just people with millions of dollars.

The truth is there aren’t all that many millionaires. The top 5% of the country includes just about everyone who makes over 200k. That might seem rich but it sure doesn’t feel that way.

If you live in NYC, taxes take you down to around 110k. That works out to around 9000 a month. Take out 3000 (at least) for a two bedroom apartment.

Now we’re down to 6000k. That’s 1500 a week. Divide that by two, assuming that we’re talking about a married couple filing jointly, and you’re down to $750 a week for each person. That gives them $107 per day.

Let’s add some normal expenses. $4 each to take the subway from work and back home. A cup of coffee and a paper run another three bucks, because at this stage you aren’t drinking Statbucks. Lunch runs another $10.

Welcome to $90 a day. Let’s give the couple a kid. Diapers. Food. Each parent’s now down to $85. Dinner, breakfast. Let’s say they scrimp and only spend $15 on meals. They’ve got $60 a day.

They probably need health insurance, health insurance, right. That’s at least $5 a day. Oh, the kid needs insurance too. So now they’ve each got around $52 a day.

Utilities and other incidentals take them down another $2. Cell phones another $3. Cable runs them $1.50 each.

So here’s your top 5% family. Living on $45 dollars a day each. A cab ride or a couple of beers after work means they’re nearly living beyond their means. Dinner out at a nice place puts them under for days.

Did they go to college? Take another $8 bucks a day off to pay back the loans.

$37 a day. How much of that do you take from these Richie riches? Remember we haven’t bought clothing, music or sent them to a movie yet.

Can they get by? Of course they can. They may not be poor. But they sure won’t feel rich. Unfortunately, Obama thinks they are, wants to raise their taxes and calls them by a misleading number: 5%.

So, yeah. Maybe we should have a more realistic view of who we’re proposing to tax when we say the rich can pay more. A lot of the rich have less money than we think.

-John Carney

NYC: BANKSY MADE A PET STORE

SBTVC — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 14:59:11 +0000

If you haven’t checked it out yet, you need to make your way over to Banksy’s pet store on 7th Ave between 10AM and ~~noon (what’s with those fucking hours?)~~ midnight. It’s basically like “It’s a Small World After All” but with wieners.

If you haven’t checked it out yet, you need to make your way over to Banksy’s pet store on 7th Ave between 10AM and ~~noon (what’s with those fucking hours?)~~ midnight. It’s basically like “It’s a Small World After All” but with wieners.

SUPERTOUCH: FAFI PIECE IN BROOKLYN

SBTVC — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 14:14:59 +0000

Supertouch has pics of a recent Fafi piece. We were there. Here’s what it looked like before.

Supertouch has pics of a recent Fafi piece. We were there. Here’s what it looked like before.
PS Fafi, can we get you for our radio show? We tried to contact you via myspace but you have to be a friend and blah blah blah.

NETFLIX MOVIE WATCHING CHAMPIONSHIPS UPDATE

Gavin — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 17:56:52 +0000

Been documenting this Movie Watching World Championship and losing my fucking mind. So far six of the eight contestants have fallen asleep.

Been documenting this Movie Watching World Championship and losing my fucking mind. So far six of the eight contestants have fallen asleep. Richard Simmons came by and didn’t want to talk about his old band and Young Frankenstein came by to watch Young Frankenstein.

A guy from Texas dropped out after he hallucinated a beagle climbing a plant and the other 5 were disqualified after their blinks lasted a bunch of seconds (they thought they just blinked – they didn’t, they fell asleep – it’s basically the same as fainting).

More pics and shit en route.

SUPERTOUCH: BANKSY GOES CORPORATE

Kyle McInnes — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 15:59:19 +0000

Banksy recently unveiled his latest massive murals featuring the trademarked rat character.

Banksy recently unveiled his latest massive murals featuring the trademarked rat character. What’s new here is that the walls were both legally rented and the actual painting was commissioned by Manhattan sign painters Colossal Media. Next, Banksy will be outsourcing to Bangladesh.