STREET CARNAGE » LESLEY ARFIN

ASK BARF: TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE

Lesley Arfin — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:12:10 +0000

Dear Lesley,

Can you tell me what to do with my life? ‘Cause I can’t.

Dear Lesley,

Can you tell me what to do with my life? ‘Cause I can’t.

See, the deal is: I moved to San Francisco last year, and then I said, “Fuck this,” and moved somewhere else…a place I shall not name mention because it sucks so much that it doesn’t deserve to have a name. Anyway, now I’m like, “Fuck this,” again, and I’m considering a variety a places to move to. SF, Portland, or NY. What do you think? I really need to get my degree at some point in my life, and since I’m 20 and so old and all, I think I need to get a move on it. I’d like to major in English or something of the like and then, you know, write….or….something. You know how it is, right? Anyway, I’d like to hear your opinion/advice/commentary, because I feel like my youth is slipping away from me, and I’m getting panic attacks because if that, and my lack of direction.

Help me, Oh Wise One, please.

Sincerely,

Another Lost Lamb

Dear Lost Lamb,

Well, you think you’re lost but you actually seem pretty on schedule to me, although I can imagine it might be hard for you to see that. But you know what? How about try? How about accept the fact that you don’t know what to do, where to live, or who you are right now? It’s okay not to know. I order you to stop reading this immediately and tell yourself the following: “I am totally fucking lost and have no idea what I should do about it.” Now take a deep breath. If you need to, say it again. Ok now you can continue reading. I don’t know any of the answers to your questions. All cities suck sometimes, and sometimes they do the opposite, it’s not the city. It’s not the job. It’s not the boy or the shoes or the album. But try all those things because maybe I’m wrong. Fuck, I am wrong. Sometimes it is the album! My dumb advice is to surrender to not knowing and see what happens. It’s tricky to really believing it but you’ll get there eventually I think. Especially because you’re writing to an advice column. The bottom can’t be too far from here. BOO YA!

I seriously love you, for real,

Lesley

ASK BARF: DO ALL BALLS SMELL THE SAME?

Lesley Arfin — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 18:31:17 +0000

Dear Barf,

Do all balls smell the same, or do I not have enough up close and personal encounters with balls to make a sound judgment?

Dear Barf,

Do all balls smell the same, or do I not have enough up close and personal encounters with balls to make a sound judgment? Cuz I’ve been with five pairs of balls and they all have that same ball smell. Some stronger and more pungent than others, but it’s the same smell. That musky weird odor with a hint of the acrid. Swampy, but not sweaty or BO-like. Not terrible, but not exactly pleasant. Very primitive smelling. I bet this scent has been attached to balls since the dawn of man. I feel like if this smell were bottled and put in a mystery jar and I had to guess the scent, I would immediately recognize it as balls.

Sincerely,

Christina

Dear Christina,

I never thought about it but since you asked, I think all balls DO smell the same! Sure they vary depending on the shower factor but ultimately there is something that is very distinct about ball-smell. And this just in: I LIKE IT. Balls smell like vulnerability. They smell like the action of smelling someone’s balls: awkward! It’s not the sexiest of scents but it’s more like… cute? Like “Aww, your balls. I’ll be gentle.” If the penis symbolizes everything that’s wrong with the world today, the balls symbolize the fact that there might be a solution. I like to think of the balls as the penis’ Achilles heel.

Love,

Lesley

BARF IN THE OBSERVER

Gavin — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 16:51:14 +0000

When Lesley appeared in the tabloids next to Chloe, some of you asked, “What does she do?” implying she’s a trust fund kid. This is what she does. By the way, what is with this trust fund myth?

When Lesley appeared in the tabloids next to Chloe, some of you asked, “What does she do?” implying she’s a trust fund kid. This is what she does. By the way, what is with this trust fund myth? The only time I’ve ever seen those kind of kids is on the Upper East Side and they’re always going to LA for a few months on some yoga retreat, then off to Costa Rica to “work” on a butterfly farm. They dress like their mothers and hang out in Monaco. They don’t go to the Green Point Tavern and wear American Apparel. Do you know how much it costs to set up a trust fund? You’d need MILLIONS of extra dollars. You buy your house in Westchester for 1.5m and your apartment in Manhattan is 2m. Then you need to set aside another 2m so your 3 kids can go to school. Then there’s, what, 5m for retirement? On top of that you have an extra 10m just sitting there? That’s fucking 20 million bucks! You’re talking about the elite, elite of the richest people in America. Their kids are simply not around. Stop talking about them all the time.

ASK BARF: WHEN IS IT OKAY TO CHEAT?

Lesley Arfin — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 12:14:04 +0000

Dear Barf,

When is it okay to cheat? I have a friend who’s married and she says, “Unless you’re married, it doesn’t count.” She says if she could go back in time she would have cheated way more before marriage because after that, it’s off the books. Is that true? What if you’re living with the guy?

[Photo procured by me, not Lesley - Ed]

Dear Barf,

Dear Dummy,

It’s okay to cheat when it’s not called cheating. It’s okay to cheat when you’re under the age of 21. I’m pretty sure that’s it. If you’re in an open relationship (I call bullshit on those, btw) then it’s not called cheating. If you’re in a committed relationship, married or not, and you cheat and you don’t tell your significant other, then you not only “cheated,” but you also “lied.” You really needed to ask ME of all people this question? If you don’t feel guilty about the cheating or lying, it doesn’t make it okay, it just means you’re a sociopath. You can try to rationalize or spin it however you want in order to sleep at night, but in the long run, trust me, you are fucked.

Love

Lesley Ericha Arfin

CELEBRITY GOSSIP: LESLEY ARFIN WENT TO MIAMI

SBTVC — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:10:32 +0000

Lesley brought some pals down to Miami and the paps went berserk.

Lesley brought some pals down to Miami and the paps went berserk. They seem to have confused her Jewish faith with Mormonism and the photographers seem to be a little to fascist with the “rule of thirds” but there’s no denying that Lesley has made it to the big leagues. With a bun on her head no less.

ASK BARF: HOW DO I STAY SKINNY?

Lesley Arfin — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 17:28:57 +0000

So I think at the end of your book, you were talking about gaining weight in rehab, how much it sucked, and how you’ve lost weight now. I am having major issues right now with the 30 plus pounds I gained, most of which have to do with beer and laziness — but even though I have cut those things out (wine and exercising), I still cant lose weight.

So I think at the end of your book, you were talking about gaining weight in rehab, how much it sucked, and how you’ve lost weight now. I am having major issues right now with the 30 plus pounds I gained, most of which have to do with beer and laziness — but even though I have cut those things out (wine and exercising), I still cant lose weight. (Well really, I am sort of joking about those things, but I am watching what I eat and jogging 30 minutes three times a week.)

I am having major anxiety about my weight everyday, and even if a guy is into me (which they are, not to sound cocky), I still feel totally insecure about my body. Just wondering if you had any advice on how to feel comfortable in your body because I know this is something you’ve dealt with, just like ANY GIRL!

Rephrase this email however you want to make me sound dumb/smart/genius/ridiculous, but I would be really into reading something you wrote about weight issues for girls and body insecurities. I think it should be addressed because I know tons of ladies who are struggling with it. It’s not just me! Does it get better as you get older? Because I am 21 and I am already seeing phases of my life where I am skinny, then fat, then chubby, then normal. I just want to be skinny all the time. Is that totally evil?

Love,
-ME

Dear You,

Yes, it’s totally normal and not evil to want to be skinny all the time. I was just telling my friend yesterday that I felt the best about my body when I was on the junk. Oh well though, you know?

First, if you’re running 30 minutes three times a week you will lose weight. That’s a pretty good amount of running. Just wait for it. I have to be honest with you that this is not an area that I have a lot of experience in, hence that fact that I don’t write about it that much. I’m 5″2 and my weight fluctuates.

When I got sobes I was like 130 lbs and didn’t date that much. I kind of saw the weight gain as a blessing because I was supposed to be single for a year (that’s what they suggest). I lost the weight but it took about 2 years and I still didn’t feel skinny or anything — but when I’m fat my boobs are bigger so… you know, it’s not the WORST thing in the world.

I don’t own a scale. I lost a lot of weight this year because a) I went to India, b) I broke up with Scott and got depressed, and c) I got involved with Greg and started getting anxiety attacks all the time. This is the kind of diet you want! India will make anyone lose weight. You don’t want to eat and when you do, you get sick and puke it up anyway. I do love being thin because I like wearing jeans and sneakers and not feeling like a dump-mare. Since I’m single it’s easier to watch what I eat and I try to keep a very strict three square meal diet. All those meals are somewhat healthy: fruit, yogurt, veggies, protein. I also walk a ton. I enjoy running but as a smoker it’s difficult. Smoking doesn’t hurt for weight loss either. Smoke yourself thin! I’m not a Nazi when it comes to food either; I give myself one “bad” eating day a week which is usually on the weekend. Sometimes I do sit-ups too.

I don’t know, this is boring. A lot of people who are former drug addicts have issues with food. My issues are mostly with love/relationships/finances. Get dumped or dump someone, and you’ll lose weight. I wish I had something better to tell you. I feel like such a failure right now. I’m going to eat my feelings.

Wah,
-LESLEY ARFIN
LesleyArfin.com
CafeconLesley.BlogSpot.com

Send “Ask Barf” letters / replies to AskBarf@StreetCarnage.com (include photos!)

ASK BARF: WHEN SHOULD I START HAVING A BABY?

Lesley Arfin — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:23:07 +0000

Dear Lesley,

When do you start thinking about having a baby? I’m 29 and my mom is all Midwestern and freaking out but here in the big city nobody does it til their mid 30s.

Dear Lesley,

When do you start thinking about having a baby? I’m 29 and my mom is all Midwestern and freaking out but here in the big city nobody does it til their mid 30s. Sounds good to me but my sister waited til 35 and was on all kinds of weird hormones and fertility drugs. They spent a bunch of money and it was a headache and then they got twins. It takes about 5 years to find a mate right? So does that mean I should have started at 25?

Sincerely,

Jodie Foster

(not my real name)

Dear Jodie Foster,

You’re worrying about having a baby but you don’t have a boyfriend? That’s weird. A surefire way to NEVER get a boyfriend is to tell him you want a baby. If your mom is freaking, that’s her problem. You’re 29. The real problem is that you’re 29 and you still care about what your mom thinks. There’s also a big difference between being 29 and 35. For the next five years I encourage you to stop worrying about when you’re going to have a baby and instead concentrate on yourself and your life. The universal chips will fall where they’re supposed to and in the meantime enjoy your childless life, because when you do have a kid, you won’t have a life anymore. If you find a boyfriend and get married and get pregnant because you think you’re supposed to, you’ll end up getting a divorce and by the time you’re 35 you’re kid will be on Intervention. That too is a headache, so take your pick.

Love Lesley Arfin (my real name)

ASK BARF: TRANSGENDERED ISSUES

Lesley Arfin — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 17:53:37 +0000

I’m a sort of average-boring looking 25 yr old girl. I like riding bikes, I work as an organizer, and I’m pretty snarky-charismatic.

Hi !

I’m a sort of average-boring looking 25 yr old girl. I like riding bikes, I work as an organizer, and I’m pretty snarky-charismatic. I don’t have to beg to have boys be interested in me, but they aren’t knocking down my door either. I travel for work, so I like to work boys fast (i.e. hook up quickly) when I meet one I like.

The only hitch is that I have a penis. I know, totally random. I don’t look like a trans person at all, so it’s not like it’s something guys pick up on. So how do I let potential hookups in on the fact that I have bits that aren’t standard issue? ( I tend to move in progressive-y circles where there aren’t many hate-criming types, so that sort of reaction I’m not worried about. )

Should I use something like “trans”? That phrase is good cause it shows absolutely no shame. But it’s bad, cause the boy is going to start thinking about that girl from “Be Diddy’s Assitant”, or they could get confused about whether I mean I’m like becoming a boy or something (which has happened).

Should I be obtuse and say “intersexed”? It’s like sorta true, but not. A normal person would think this would mean some messed up confused looking genitalia, whereas mine is a sorta normal penis.

Should I say “I have a penis”? I really like the straight-forwardness of that.

Or what about looking all serious and scared and vulnerable for a second- and going into a line about how “i’m different”? This is a bit much for a hookup, but can be good for letting a longer term dating partner down gently.

Thoughts on the terms?

Any other thoughts about the dating world for straight girls who ride bikes who have peni?

Thanks, and please don’t use my name!

Dear Straight Girl?

Wow. I have to admit this email confuses me. So you’re a boy who used to be a girl but you have a dick? Or you’re a boy who likes boys but dresses up like a girl and has a dick and boobs? I’m seriously not trying to sound mean. I don’t have a problem with trans folk whatsoever. Some of my best friend’s are trans. I think that the number one thing you should NOT do is “trick” whomever you are trying to hook up with into thinking you’re something that you’re not. It might not get you laid as much as you want, but isn’t it assumed that when you go under the knife (or not?) that things are gonna be different? You made your trannie bed, now lie in it. Embrace who you are and get into the gay/lesbian/transgendered scene. I mean, right? Since you travel a lot, get Facebook about the scene and make sure you have a GLTG friend in every city. Portland’s easy. San Fran too. Brooklyn shouldn’t be too hard and I’m sure LA has an L Word vibe going on. Any other city you might be fucked but I don’t know, I’m not in the scene. It’s fucking underground and cool as shit and I wish I could be. I wouldn’t bust out with “I HAVE A DICK!” but if you’re trans, own that shit and be up front about it. Tricking only leads to bad situations, regardless of what your gender/sexual preference is, but probably worse for GLTG. There are a bunch of transgender support sites as well.

Hope that helps,
Lesley

ASK BARF: WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN WITH JOBS?

Lesley Arfin — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 16:31:49 +0000

Dear Lesley,

I am in a bind and am hoping you can help. I hooked up with this guy about a month ago and we’ve been sleeping together about five times a week ever since.

Dear Lesley,

I am in a bind and am hoping you can help. I hooked up with this guy about a month ago and we’ve been sleeping together about five times a week ever since. Pretty exclusive but nothing “official” has been declared. He is super hot, makes me laugh, and is fun to go out with. My friends like him and he has a large penis. Problem is, he is ALWAYS broke. He is in a band, and builds sets supposedly but I’ve only known him to work two days total in the time we’ve been seeing each other. As far as I can tell, he smokes pot and hangs out with his bros during the day (who also have a great deal of free time, apparently) and then goes out with me at night. He’s never taken me out for a meal, and I am starting to feel like a sugar-mommy each time I pay for his beer or dinner. I am 30 and have a full time job, by the way. Do I drop him? I am dying to have a boyfriend who actually takes me out on a G.D. date!

Where are all the real men? With jobs!

By the way, he is sooooo hot (I think I mentioned that.) The sex is awesome too.

Sincerely,

Flummoxed in Flatbush

Dear Flummoxed,

I can relate to this situation. I dated basically the same guy (actually, it might’ve literally been the same guy). You know: hot, huge cock, great in the sack, popular ‘n such. All pros except for that ONE thing. Sometimes I used to pretend that that thing didn’t matter. I mean, I didn’t even want to say it out loud. What does money have to do with love anyway? Well, nothing if it’s not his fault and everything if it is.
We can pretend everything’s a short-term joke but deep down we’re all looking for a long-term partner. As girls it’s only natural to feel attracted to someone who can take care of us so this money sitch has got to change if things are going to work out.

The only way to do this is to call his bluff. This guy is either a mooch or a hobo. An easy way to test this is to have no money yourself. If you have really big cunt balls you will not let him know this til the check comes at the restaurant or the cabbie says it’s $6.82. If he stops calling you after these, “He’s just not into you.” If he still wants to hang out you can either enjoy the life of a hobo with him or find someone with a job.

Love,

Lesley

If you are confused by your sexuality or are considering cheating on your boyfriend or are addicted to cocaine or just had yet another abortion or don’t like your friends anymore… Ask Barfin Arfin what to do. She’s over 1,000 years old and went to rehab a bunch.

Email sbtvc at streetcarnage dawt com with “Ask Barf” in the subject.

WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT SITUATION?

Lesley Arfin — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 19:44:06 +0000

What do you call this situation? You date a guy, you hate a guy, you break up and get back together. You get back together but not really. You break up but wait, were we even going out?

What do you call this situation? You date a guy, you hate a guy, you break up and get back together. You get back together but not really. You break up but wait, were we even going out? He likes you so much he runs around with you all day while you do your errands. You’re grossed out by his back hair but somehow the sex makes up for it. He screams at you and doesn’t answer your calls, you delete him from Facebook and everything else. “We should stop hanging out…but I don’t want anything to change!” The two of you yell across the street to each other like the Titanic is sinking, you’re getting separation anxiety just thinking about him leaving. But he’s angry all the time and passes out drunk and still isn’t over another girl. YES, there are other girls! Secrets, lies, mean spiteful words typed on the keyboard faster than they could ever come out of your mouth. And then there are the allllll the old jokes, The private jokes. The intimate moments of the most laughs ever. You hate him but you still miss him. He hates you too and he ain’t budgin’. What do you call this situation?

You think of a name for it, I’ll provide the soundtrack:

“We’ll Never Eat Lunch in This Town Again! (But I’d Buy You a Drink)”

1. No More Drama: Mary J Blige
2. It’s A Hard Knock Life: Jay Z
3. Cannonball: The Breeders
4. There’s No Other Way: Blur
5. Ping Pong Affair: The Slits

www.cafeconlesley.blogspot.com

I CALL BULLSHIT #37