10.) X17 Exclusive – Britney’s Not Pregnant!
X17 is notoriously the most ruthless and despicable paparazzi agency around. In January, back when Jesus (or Larry Rudolph) was not taking the wheel for Britney Spears, and she was in the middle of her steep decline into mental instability, X17 posted pictures of her buying a pregnancy test, and then one day later, posted pictures of her bloody panties with the headline above. The post has since been taken down from the site, but I had decided to save the shots—should I ever need them—leading me to wonder who was more insane: the girl walking around with no tampon or pants, or the girl who thought the evidence of such was a keepsake.

9.) Man Dies From Picking His Nose
A 63-year-old man in Manchester, England, suffering from dementia brought on by alcoholism, picked his nose so much that he bled to death on September 5. The thought of him digging up there until he finally unplugged his brains, and turning his nose into a full-blast faucet, makes my entire body cringe.

8.) Woman Sits On Boyfriend’s Toilet For Two Years
This lady in Kansas inexplicably sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years straight. He would bring her food and water. He would ask her to come out everyday, and everyday she would say, “Maybe tomorrow.” Finally, he had to call the authorities, because her skin had become stuck to the seat. “She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body,” according to the county sheriff. They had to literally pry her ass off the toilet and bring her to the hospital, where she no doubt had a wicked case of hemorrhoids from being in that position for so long.

7.) Ohio Woman Sentenced To Life For Microwaving Her Baby To Death
This is some real trashy-ass shit. An Ohio resident named China got drunk and then got in a fight with her boyfriend over whether or not he was the real father of her one-month old child she’d named Paris. (Don’t you love how it’s a tradition in this family to name children after locations you know they will never visit?) For reasons unknown, the fight escalated to the point of China throwing Paris in the microwave and cooking her. As you can tell from her mugshot, she doesn’t give a fuck. The expression in her eyes just screams, “You don’t know me! And what?”

6.) Bizarre Disease Where Wires Grow Out Of Your Skin
For a long time, Morgellons disease was dismissed as a mental illness, in which sufferers experience the same delusions of rashes, coughing up bugs, and having tiny, wire-like fibers growing out of their skin. But this year, one doctor called Morgellons patients on their supposed bluff, and asked that they send mail him those fibers. They did, and they were real! And it might have something to do with mutant worms. The thought alone makes my hair feel weird.

5.) Man Accused Of Forcing Daughter, 7, To Kill Pet Cat
Some sick fuck in Indiana told his children that they needed to “learn how to kill.” So he gave his 11 year old son a knife and ordered him to stab the family’s pet cat. The kid, because he’s not a future sociopath, felt awful about it and tried to save the cat by hiding it and putting ketchup on the knife. The dad found the cat then had made his little girl hold the knife and physically forced her to stab the animal. I’m more of a dog person, but this still makes me ill.

4.) Ten Days In The Life Of A Tampon
My friend forgot she left her tampon in, thought her period was over, and continued to live her daily life for more than a week while the cotton wad was still inserted. She had sex with two different guys before she realized what was up in her. She lived to write about it.

3.) Austrian Man Locked Daughter In Cellar For 24 Years, Fathered Her 7 Children
This guy Josef’s daughter went missing in 1984, and the case went unsolved. Turns out he was hiding her in the basement, raping her repeatedly, and having kids with her, for a quarter of a century. While this is obviously horrendous, it’s also very V.C. Andrews—of whom I was a huge fan—which is why I think it drew me in.

2.) You Gotta See This
I was never into Ultimate Fighting. But then I saw this:

1.) Sex Ramp Allowed World’s Fattest Man Consummate His Wedding
Barf.

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1. COSTUME COUNTDOWN 2008
2. OBIT THE DUST: WILLIAM F BUCKLEY 1925-2008
3. OBIT THE DUST: CHARLTON HESTON 1923-2008

Seriously, what the fuck is up with a story about bestiality that is written so poignantly that you have trouble trying not to get horny while reading it?

With no trace of the raunch or degradation I’ve learn to expect from contemporary porn, these stories told instead a tale of seduction and intimacy, often from the animal’s point of view.

Consider for example, this excerpt from “The Watch Dog” when Matt, the German shepherd, finds his owner left unfulfilled by an impotent lover.

“Matthew felt a strange, yet powerful, awareness begin to kindle beneath his powerful furry flesh, a weird and exciting knowledge that had somehow come to him out of nowhere — the comprehension that this human, his mistress, was a female in every sense of the word, as much for him as for this man she seemed to fight with even now… A strange new found warmth crept over him at the realization that his mistress’ nakedness was no different from the sensual offerings of a female dog in heat! This beautiful woman, this human female, was burning up with that peculiar heat of unfulfilled lust!”

After that sexy stare down in which Matthew and the reader both come to realize that we are all the same, human or canine, he proceeds to give her the tongue-fucking of a lifetime, culminating in “a savage snap of his haunches that thrust his tapered cock all the way up into the wetly-gripping confines of her empty cunt!”

Compared to a video of someone’s dog fucking their sad aunt on the carpet, this is surprisingly romantic and lust-inducing. And for that reason alone I should never be allowed to read these books again.

Love,

Jessica

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3. DEAR STREET CARNAGE,