STREET CARNAGE » balls

ASK BARF: DO ALL BALLS SMELL THE SAME?

Lesley Arfin — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 18:31:17 +0000

Dear Barf,

Do all balls smell the same, or do I not have enough up close and personal encounters with balls to make a sound judgment?

Dear Barf,

Do all balls smell the same, or do I not have enough up close and personal encounters with balls to make a sound judgment? Cuz I’ve been with five pairs of balls and they all have that same ball smell. Some stronger and more pungent than others, but it’s the same smell. That musky weird odor with a hint of the acrid. Swampy, but not sweaty or BO-like. Not terrible, but not exactly pleasant. Very primitive smelling. I bet this scent has been attached to balls since the dawn of man. I feel like if this smell were bottled and put in a mystery jar and I had to guess the scent, I would immediately recognize it as balls.

Sincerely,

Christina

Dear Christina,

I never thought about it but since you asked, I think all balls DO smell the same! Sure they vary depending on the shower factor but ultimately there is something that is very distinct about ball-smell. And this just in: I LIKE IT. Balls smell like vulnerability. They smell like the action of smelling someone’s balls: awkward! It’s not the sexiest of scents but it’s more like… cute? Like “Aww, your balls. I’ll be gentle.” If the penis symbolizes everything that’s wrong with the world today, the balls symbolize the fact that there might be a solution. I like to think of the balls as the penis’ Achilles heel.

Love,

Lesley

SERBIAN CHEF LOVES TO EAT BALLS

Kyle McInnes — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 15:30:39 +0000

Serbian author Ljubomir Erovic loves eating balls. There’s a ton of ways to eat them too. Testicular pizza, battered balls and even Cordon Bleu balls. No homo.

Serbian author Ljubomir Erovic loves eating balls. There’s a ton of ways to eat them too. Testicular pizza, battered balls and even Cordon Bleu balls. No homo.

JAKOB LODWICK REFUSES TO TAKE SHIT FROM INTERNET, GROW A PAIR

Denise — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 17:34:21 +0000

Alls you need to know about Jakob Lodwick is that he’s one of the dudes who founded College Humor, sold it for lots of cash, only later to be fired for unspecified reasons. Oh, also, he’s a total tool.

Jakob is mad as hell at the internet, and he’s not gonna take it anymore! He announced on his Tumblr today that he’s breaking up with the internet, after being inspired by his mother’s brave choice to do the same. From his post:

After reading my mom’s post on shutting down her tumblelog, I can’t help but agree, and it’s time for me to end this.

It’s not about Tumblr, specifically. It’s about the web in general. It’s become overrun by too many animals.

What kind of pussy is afraid of internet animals? Srsly! He explains himself, sorta:

I may be a millionaire but I this sort of thing still hurts.

Jeez louise. Also, he’s mad at Gawker, and its writers:

Another last straw was this Gawker post…I was torn to shreds (I still don’t understand why) by the poster, an elf who has never talked to me but stammered a darted his eyes when I encountered him at a party a year ago.

K, so far he’s afraid of cute puppies and he dislikes elves. But this comment on whatever the hell Gawker post he’s talking about (since the internet millionaire didn’t bother to link it) really pushed him over the edge:

I saw him at the Bedford Ave subway station a week ago, looking like an escaped mental patient dressed as a retarded toddler.

LOL! It’s funny ’cause it’s true. (See above photo.) Jakob goes on:

Unfortunately, my line of work requires me to aim high. If you can’t stomach that, fine, but consider the long-term effects of bashing me and others who goals are to innovate. Entrepreneurs, artists — our jobs are not easy; they require doing something new.

Yeah, and it also requires you to have a set of balls. But whatevs. Here’s his big finale:

But going forward, Jakob Lodwick, the person, is withdrawing from the public web. You will see the results of my efforts through Normative and other companies. I just cannot deal with these animals any longer.