STREET CARNAGE

JENEE APOLOGIZES FOR THE PREVIOUS POST

Jenee — Wed, 16 May 2012 17:00:00 +0000

It has come to my attention that many people were incredibly offended [and rightly so! —Gavin] by my last post. It was not my intention to offend anyone and if that happened, I am deeply sorry.

For the record, I am one of the least prejudiced people on the planet. I am close with many “people of color” and will be using that term in solidarity with them from now on.

Please don’t think wrongly of me.

This is all a horrible misunderstanding that I deeply regret.

You have my word it will not happen again. I promise you that. Let’s all try to move forward regarding this horrible mistake on my part.

Sincerely,

—JENEE BINET

instaboner 62 @vincent_dermody

Gavin — Wed, 16 May 2012 16:13:38 +0000

@vincent_dermody #junkieday #nyc

@thegavin2000: Jesus Christ, is anyone in New York NOT on heroin today?

SHORTING FACEBOOK

Benjamin Leo — Wed, 16 May 2012 16:00:45 +0000

Motherfuck Mark Zuckerberg. I haven’t been this jealous of a twenty-eight-year-old since Michael Jackson took Webster to the Grammys.

If you wanna get suicidal, check out this list of Apple Stock v. Apple Products. If you had bought stock in Apple instead of that G3 Powerbook in 1997, you’d be rich.

It’s fairy tales like this that make people go mental and spend their daughter’s entire college fund on Friday’s Facebook IPO.

(This would be the worst idea ever, except that the 25k this guy has saved for his daughter’s college will pay for about half a year of Vassar, so he might as well bet it all on Black.)

Every single finance person that you know will tell you to stay as far away from the Facebook IPO as you can. They say it’s Muppet bait:

1. You can’t get anywhere near the IPO price. That’s for billionaires. (This is the true problem with Wall Street. It’s not capitalism, it truly is a bro’s-before-ho’s fratboy-insider’s game.)

2. Other Bubble 2.0 Tech IPOs like Groupon and Pandora have flopped.

3. A whole bunch of other legitimate business reasons that only apply to long-term investors and not what the fuck I’m about to tell you.

Here’s the fucking deal:

Fuck Facebook’s revenue, their trajectory, their whole company’s future. Fuck whether GM pulls their ads, fuck whether they can monetize mobile, and fuck what other IPOs have done. You know what supply and demand is? The demand for the STOCK is the biggest thing ever. When it goes public on Friday, there is going to be a massive POP when everyone and their mother buys this stock.

Here’s how to cash in:

1. Take the day off work on Friday.
2. Sit by your computer hitting Refresh on E-Trade and hope you can buy shares below $50.
3. Wait for a couple of hours and the stock will be at $75.
4. Don’t get greedy—sell at $75 and you’ve made a SHITLOAD of money. (DON’T try to short it because you’ll fuck it up—it’ll go up for a while before it crashes—besides, shorting it would be rational, and the whole point of this is to anticipate sheeps’ reactions and cash in, not to make a legitimate speculation as to a stock’s performance.)
6. Profit with strippers and expensive highs.

DO IT, U WON’T: just sit there and watch it happen and see me be right and be angry at yourself for not getting in as usual. That’s what I’ll be doing.

Worst. Jew. Ever.

–BENJAMIN LEO
@TheBenWord

instaboner 61 @thegavin2000

Gavin — Wed, 16 May 2012 14:15:54 +0000

@thegavin2000 Something tells me there’s a methadone clinic at 14th and 3rd. #nyc

instaboner 60 @thegavin2000

Gavin — Wed, 16 May 2012 14:14:42 +0000

@thegavin2000 What is this, Free Heroin day?

instaboner 59 @thegavin2000

Gavin — Wed, 16 May 2012 14:13:12 +0000

@thegavin2000 #junkieday #nyc

LIMBLESS MARATHON SWIMMER’S ARTIFICIAL FLIPPERS TO SPREAD MESSAGE OF WORLD PEACE

Street Carnage — Wed, 16 May 2012 13:00:52 +0000

The brave man pictured above, Philippe Croizon, lost all his limbs during an electrical mishap “while changing a TV antenna on his roof,” but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a citizen of this planet just like you and me.

Croizon does not let his disability disable him, nor does he allow it to deter him from doing things that might be risky even for a normal, average, everyday, fully functional, quadri-limbed human being to do, such as swimming the English Channel.

No, we’re not insinuating that he just rolled off some pier like a cannonball without any prosthetic aid, because he would have sunk to the bottom of the English Channel almost exactly like a cannonball would. Instead, he will be unfairly aided by an elaborate series of plastic flippers and prosthetic devices, which frankly, at least to us, sounds like cheating.

Although a subhead from Fuck It News says that Mr. Croizon—yes, people with no limbs receive formal titles such as “Mr.” just like any normal person does—plans to “swim around the world,” this is a gross exaggeration, because everyone knows that, prosthetic limbs or not, no one is able to swim around the world without first sinking to the bottom in the manner of a cannonball. We thought that was already settled in the previous paragraph.

Along with his tiny disabled multicultural friend Arnaud Chassery (sounds Dutch to us, or possibly Portuguese), Mr. Croizon really only plans to “swim” a meager 85 kilometers of this grand globe’s 40,075-kilometer circumference, which is hardly “around the world,” even from a quadriplegic’s perspective, and even if they have trouble getting “around the apartment.”

Even though he has no hands, Mr. Croizon engaged in a bit of verbal sleight-of-hand by still trying to insist that at least symbolically, he was planning to swim “around the world”:

“We are going to symbolically link the five continents, two little people like us, two little men, we’re going to be able to build a bridge between the continents,” he told the International Business Times.

“That means that we’re going to bring them together. Which means no one is very far from each other. So even if we have different political opinions, or skin colours, or even with our disabilities, we all live on the same planet. And that’s the clear message we want to send.”

Even though that’s the ten millionth time we’ve heard that we all live on the same planet, and even though this fact is evident to anyone with even the most rudimentary prosthetic grasp on the idea of what a “planet” is, we never get tired of hearing it.

Bon chance, Monsieur Philippe! Break a leg!

PRESIDENTIAL SQUEAL OF APPROVAL

Shift — Wed, 16 May 2012 05:00:25 +0000

President Obama recently announced his support of “gay marriage,” otherwise known as marriage between two “gays.”

What happens at a gay wedding when the preacher says, "If any person present here knows of any reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace?"

Everyone’s going to be scared shitless to say anything.

"Pssst! Father! Don’t go there!"

It doesn’t matter how incompatible the brides, Glenn and Don, are, or that Glenn is clearly marrying Don to get back at Earl (no pun intended!).

People will be afraid to be branded a "homophobe."

There goes one of marriage’s most reliable systems of checks and balances.

To quote Tammy Wynette, "D-I-V-O-R-C-E," here we come. Because no one had the courage to s-p-e-a-k u-p.

They just want to party at The Ramrod after.

Everyone will already be stressed enough having to buy gifts for people with better taste than them.

What if the people getting married are lezbos? What the hell do you get them? They already have rugby equipment.

Let’s face it, most of us befriend gays because we know we won’t have to buy them a toaster oven one day or be inconvenienced by their "special day." President Obama put the kibosh on that.

Thank you, Mr. President. Ever price a Barry Manilow box set? Free cake is free cake, but still.

Gay, bi, lesbian or transgendered, people are people except some of them are gay, bi, lesbian or transgendered which doesn’t make them any different than people who aren’t gay or bi or lesbian or transgendered.

Protoplasm is protoplasm. I don’t see phylum or differentiate between matter.There are certain rocks and minerals who shall remain nameless (zinc and magnesium) I won’t date anymore, but that’s just because I’ve been hurt in the past.

What people do with squid in the privacy of their own aquariums in their own scuba gear is their own business.

But don’t ask me to catch that bouquet at the inter-genus civil union ceremony.

Marriage should be between a man and a woman, or two men or two women, but not a man and anything with tentacles or suction cups.

But I guess that’s not "politically correct" to say.

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something legally binding.

We all know it’s already legal for gays to marry but, as the law now stands, it’s only legal for them to marry Liza Minnelli.

I guess it’s understandable that this is a situation they seek to rectify. No pun intended!

—SHIFT

FAKING SEIZURES FOR CASH

Wonderhussy — Tue, 15 May 2012 15:00:55 +0000

After posing as a nun for a photo shoot I did at this creepy Catholic church on Las Vegas Blvd. between the Wynn and the Riviera, it was time for another bachelor party-prank.

I had pranked a bachelor party doing the same routine last month, pretending to have a seizure from too many drugs. Well, one of my Facebook friends saw a posting on craigslist for a similar gig and forwarded it to me…and the bachelor’s pranking pals hired me based on my extensive experience! I ended up doing the same basic shtick, only I went up to their room and pretended to be a stripper doing a room call. I made the bachelor, a shy young nerdy kid from Rhode Island, sit in a chair while I gave him the world’s most awkward lap dance (I SUCK at dancing and being seductive). Then I went over to snort some “drugs” from a little baggie (it was cornstarch)…and ended up having a fake seizure all over the poor kid’s lap!

It was priceless—he TOTALLY fell for it! He started yelling “Call 911! I gotta do CPR!” (I rolled over onto my stomach so that he couldn’t start in with any chest compressions—I don’t have a death wish, ya know). But he was checking my pulse and yelling “Stay with me!” and all this shit like you see on ER. Meanwhile, his buddies pretended to call 911, then ran out of the room all skeered-like…leaving the panicked bachelor with my foaming body (I used 1.5 Alka-Seltzer tablets…I put them in my mouth when I went to take a hit of my “drugs”).

Finally, his boys came back in, like all “Surprise!!! It’s all a joke!” and I spewed a frothy fountain of Alka-Seltzer at the bachelor, like ha ha ha just kidding! But that kid was PISSED! He was so mad he got up and ran out of the room and his friends were kinda weirded-out. I grabbed my cash and got the hell out of there before he came back, so I don’t know what ended up happening…but all’s well that ends well, and now I can pay my Internet bill!

So now I have Alka-Seltzer crusted up on my face, but I’m still writing this. That’s DEDICATION, yo!

—WONDERHUSSY

instaboner 58 @aurel_sex

Gavin — Tue, 15 May 2012 14:20:08 +0000

@aurel_sex it’s like that