A subcutaneous dive into the mind of Artie Lange.

With the possible exceptions of Eric the Midget and Elegant Elliot Offen, no single contributor has ever polarized the Stern Show audience as drastically as the tragic Artie Lange.

There are those that argue that Artie saved the show after Jackie Martling’s untimely departure – and others who delicately reason that he’s a fat no-talent fuck who falls asleep at the wheel.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll confess that I personally am a Gay Artie Lover – but whatever you think of Artie Lange’s contribution to the show over the last nine years, one thing is indisputable: At times of heightened stress, Artie has consistently behaved like an overgrown, spoiled child.

Culled from a selection pool wider than his pants, here are the three most famous examples of Artie’s baffling sense of self-entitlement:

-When Howard wouldn’t give Artie the summer off to film the third-rate “Beer League,” Artie threatened to quit his $2mil-a-year dream-job, infamously telling Howard that “Artie’s gotta do what Artie’s gotta do.” Then, in a finger-giving gesture to rival that of Johnny Cash, he proceeded to miss a week’s worth of work anyway.

-A year later, when Sal The Stockbroker called Artie out on how “Beer League” failed to be a commercial success, Artie threw a psychotic tantrum, hurling office equipment at the only person with the balls to mention an embarrassing fact.

-The most notable blow-up lead to Artie’s actually quitting the show in 2008: Artie’s attempted physical attack on his assistant Teddy. (Artie later rescinded his resignation and returned to the show.)

The pattern that emerges from incidents like these portray a guy who wants his way and gets it. Because of what a loose cannon he is, none of his co-workers ever dare cross him – If they do, or he doesn’t get his way, Artie acts out with belligerence, rage, and sometimes violence.

How the fuck does a person come to be this way?

You don’t have to be Tom Cruise or Dr. Drew to know that it all goes back to the parents:

We don’t need to rely on the stereotype of how Italian mothers treat their only sons- in Artie’s case we have a wealth of specific documentation. Through show recordings and Too Fat to Fish, we can see a disturbing picture of the parenting strategy that has made Artie who he is.

Artie’s mother has coddled him since birth, afraid to say “no” to him or disappoint him in any way. She has babied him to a mind-boggling extent, most notably illustrated by the famous “hot dog message” – a voicemail left by Artie’s mother in which she goes through the 42-year old comedian’s freezer, telling him it’s not okay to eat year-old hotdogs.

According to Artie’s own book, Artie’s father was frequently involved in some very sketchy “business practices” – and the lessons he taught Artie amount to the notion that one can defeat any problem through deceit, denial, and escape.

Now, we all know plenty of people who were spoiled by their fucking parents.  However, usually by their late 20′s, Life kicks most of them in the nuts and ass so hard that they’re forced to realize the great difference between how their parents treated them and how the rest of the world will. It takes a couple of extra years in some cases, but almost everyone learns their lesson or dies.

This process, also known as “Growing Up,” is something that Artie simply never had to go through.

Because of Artie’s success in show business, his parents’ enabling of his self-entitlement was gradually supplanted by that of Celebrity. First via stand-up comedy, then MadTV, and finally the most powerful and destructive enabler on the planet: The Howard Stern Show.

Completely unable to say “no” to Artie, Howard Stern has been like Artie’s mother on steroids. Howard has given him millions of dollars and national fame, often lumping on the love and positive reinforcement the more fucked-up Artie acted. Even sleeping through work – technically nodding off due to Heroin Addiction – was rewarded with laughter and encouragement.

The show incentivized Artie’s illness, draping second chances on him no matter how fucking wasted he was, no matter how many days he missed, no matter how many times he blew up or physically attacked his co-workers.

Unfortunately for Artie, Heroin offered just the opposite.

Heroin is some objective shit, and you can’t squirm around its clutches. You can’t lie to it, fake it out, or whine your way around it. Heroin doesn’t feel bad for you, and it isn’t scared of you – it doesn’t give a fuck.

With heroin, Artie had met his match – and only his presence on the Stern Show could afford him the money and lenience he needed to surf through his addiction while maintaining the outward appearance of someone who could survive.

As long as Artie was on the Stern show, with its endless tolerance for his degraded behavior, he could be on heroin forever. As long as he was on heroin, however, he could never really be free and happy. What finally proved this to Artie was losing TWO girlfriends because of his addiction.

That’s right – two girlfriends: the heart of my theory revolves around this totally unsubstantiated rumor.

We’ve all been there to a certain extent: After getting dumped by a girlfriend, who hasn’t wished that they could kill themselves and watch their own funeral? Nothing could be sweeter than the supreme vengeance granted by of the tears of the forever-guiltridden.

When Artie’s girlfriend dumped him, his world came crashing down.

Unlike Howard and Artie’s mother, his girlfriend told him “no,” and so did Heroin; they backed him into a corner and made him choose between them. When faced with this impossible situation, Artie acted according to his character: He had a massive psychotic tantrum to end all tantrums.

Look at the facts – It’s clear he didn’t want to die. If Artie had wanted to die, he knew a far less painful and easier way. With a squeeze of the index finger, he could have easily made himself into the next John Belushi, the next Chris Farley.

That’s not what happened.

Artie knew that he’d reached his limit, and that his heroin addiction was ruining his life. Deep down, Artie also must realize that the only way to get off junk is to get off the Howard Stern show: Only by removing the grand enabler from the equation will kicking heroin become a necessity – and only once it’s an actual necessity will Artie make a real attempt to save his own life.

Instead of working to get what he needed – trying to get clean and telling Howard that he couldn’t do the show anymore – Artie took the shortcut, just like his dad taught him.

He chose a very visible, dramatic method that couldn’t be mistaken for an accident, and would finally get the Real Howard’s attention. It was the same gesture of rage and violence that Artie falls back on whenever someone tells him “no” – but this time it was directed at himself.

We’ll see if this shortcut ultimately works – so far it looks like it might. Fortunately for Artie, his return to the show seems unlikely. His message was heard loud and clear, and even Howard won’t be able to continue enabling his behavior in the same unchecked and clueless manner.

Like crashing planes into buildings, sometimes senseless acts of violence end up achieving the perpetrators’ goals. Those of us who are rational, who are distasteful of violence and its effects, often wish that these cataclysmic and destructive gestures didn’t work. Unfortunately for the innocent, they frequently do.

DISCLAIMER: What the fuck do I know? All of the above could be bullshit – it’s just my stupid speculation. If you think I actually know what I’m talking about, you’re the one who’s crazy.

-BENJAMIN LEO

Follow Benjamin’s tweets on @Street_Carnage

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