Some things just don’t add up. You can twist ‘em around, try squeezing them into different size boxes or jump all over them ’til they’re an unrecognizable pancake of squished goo, but that’s still not gonna change them.

Some things just don’t add up. You can twist ‘em around, try squeezing them into different size boxes or jump all over them ’til they’re an unrecognizable pancake of squished goo, but that’s still not gonna change them. No matter how hard you try, sometimes 2 + 2 will always add up to 3,564.

Here’ some shit that doesn’t make any sense:

1. GIRLS NOT LIKING OTHER GIRLS

People with vaginas hate other people who also have vaginas. Why? I always meet girls who say, “Oh, I don’t really have any female friends. They’re all bitches. I only hang out with guys.” Quick note, girls: When dudes hear that, it usually makes our slut-o-meters point to “HUGE WHORE,” which really says more about us being hollow-brained, sexual deviants than it does about girls, but hey, such is life. Girls are always in competition to be the best — best hair, best body, best shoes and best gifs on Tumblr — and anyone who stands in their way will be destroyed. And what are you gonna do when you get to the top and the only people left to hang with are people like me who want to intoxicate your perfect little bod and ejaculate all over your lonely, girl-hating boobs?

2. PEOPLE WHO HAVE SEX ON FIRST DATES

Call me a prude, but why would you actively pursue having sex with a complete and utter stranger? One-night stands are never as fun as they sound. Nine times out of ten, (sober) sex at the beginning of a relationship sucks. The parts where you’re figuring out how to make her pussy really wet or when she realizes how to roll her tongue around your cock the way you like it are awesome. Fucking on a first date isn’t even about the sex, it’s just about knowing you can do it and feeding your ego — which, in all honesty, makes you bit of a cunt.

3. THE INTERNET BEING SHIT

I hate to say it, but web-based entertainment is at an all time low. We didn’t realize it at the time, but MySpace was some heavy fucking shit. It was like landing on the moon while somebody plays with that little spot on your asshole that feels equally weird and lovely, then after you’ve giggled and jizzed and then giggled a bit more because you feel awkward and gay, you turn on the TV and find out you’ve won a couple of bucks from playing the lottery. Good times, right?

But what has the Internet done for us lately? Internet dating sites are for the dregs of society who are too scared to carry out their life calling of being a bi-polar serial killer and Tumblr is slowly heading down the same path, albeit with 14-year-old girls with panties full of LOL pics and quotes from Mean Girls. And most blogs are just regurgitated reblogs of other blogs. Fuck that shit.

4. TULISA FROM N-DUBZ

You guys may not be familiar with Tulisa or her pop-rap band, N-Dubz (which is probably for the best), but try and picture a hip hop group made up of Ja Rule, Nelly and the white girl from The Black Eyed Peas, and you’ll get a good idea of what N-Dubz are all about. If I was a sex starved 16 to 19-year-old, then their Caucasian singer Tulisa would probably be my dream date. She’s like the Greek council estate (English projects) version of Kate Middleton.

Now, I’m not gonna go into the pros and cons of N-Dubz’s music because, to be honest, you shouldn’t be listening to them on purpose, but this little brat has been given the chance to tell the country who can and cannot progress through the British version of Simon Cowell’s reality TV baby The X Factor, which is like American Idol but with worse teeth. Why is Tulisa so important? Who does she think she is? I’ve heard a lot of people say that they secretly fancy Tulisa, but sometimes you have to weigh your options and decide if boning someone like Tulisa is really worth catching herpes or whatever else is swimming around her nether regions.

5. GIRLS WHO WANT ATTENTION ON THE INTERNET

You’re insecure, but getting compliments from strangers makes you feel better about yourself — WE GET IT. You put seductive pictures of yourself all over the Internet to boost your ego, to get more followers on Twitter and to hopefully turn yourself into some kind of shitty human brand, like Kim Kardashian — but you have no talent, personality or redeeming qualities. I probably hate you because I could never do what you do or convince you that I’m cool enough to have sex with, but for every guy like me with a Macbook and too much time on our hands: FUCK Y’ALL.

6. PARENTS WHO LET THEIR KIDS MODEL

The world of fashion is bitchy, venomous, cut-throat and spray-tanned with drugs and unprotected sex — a lot of which is anal. Why would you want to introduce your kids to that? You may as well throw your offspring to a pack of homosexual wolves.
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If anyone can figure out any of the above, please explain in the comments below. Seriously, I’m lost.

-DONALD CRUNK
IAmFashionHearMeRoar.com

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