What If Martin Luther King, Jr. survived the 1968 assassination in Memphis?

Editor’s Note: Yeah, The Boondocks already did this — BUT that was in ’06 and shit has changed since then.

America’s Martin Luther King, Jr. National Memorial just opened here in Washington, D.C. So when relatives or Facebook “friends” cold visit me, I now have one more go-to stop on the obligatory D.C. historical monument tour.

In a moment of historical reflection over grilled burgers and Newcastle beers — and after I learned that that is the monument’s actual design and it’s not simply unfinished — I wandered into some crazy brain-territory that went something like this:

What If Martin Luther King, Jr. survived the 1968 assassination in Memphis but was so gravely ill that government scientists rushed him into its top secret cryogenics lab and JUST THIS YEAR figured out how to save his precious and historical life, so they thawed him out and saved his ass?

Of course the government being “The Government” with top secret stuff all over the place, nobody would be able to learn that King was again alive, obviously. But still, what would Dr. King think of 2011?

Let’s fast forward from April 1968 to October 2011 and try to explain America to MLK what he totally missed:

• The horrific Kent State massacre
• The Reagan presidency Carter! CLINTON!!
• Disco
• NASA’s Space Shuttle program
• LaserDisc and VHS and zip drives
• The Cosby Show‘s entire run
• Clinton almost getting drummed out of office for a couple of blow jobs
• Tiger Woods’ entire career
• Pulp Fiction and The Jackass Movie
• Nancy Pelosi as Speaker of the House of Representatives
• Oprah
• AIDS
• Geocities

It’s my task to usher Martin Luther King Jr. around America. In 1968, Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney were talented young men, rather than the middle-aged women that kids now know them as. Try explaining Wi-Fi and MacBook Airs to Martin Luther King, Jr. That would mess him up for a week:

“But Tyrone, what do you mean there are no wires on this typing television set?” (For some reason he calls me by my middle name, Tyrone, but who am I to correct Martin Luther King?)

2011 America is almost totally different than ’60s America. Martin Luther King boldly and, crazily to many, said this in 1964:

“There are Negroes that are qualified to be President of the United States. I am optimistic about the future… so on the basis of this, I think that we will be able to get a Negro President in the next 40 years!”

Woah! Sure, he was off by a mere four years, but he fuckin’ called that bet. He would have ROCKED the sports-book. I mean, we not only have a Negro President BUT the Republican frontrunner for 2012 is also a NEGRO! What the fuck is that?! Wouldn’t you want to be there when Al Sharpton told Martin Luther King that the president and the GOP front runner are both Negroes?

The 2010s are a beautiful time for Negroes in politics because all the overly-ambitious, power-hungry white men have abandoned politics for the cold cash, REAL power oasis of Wall Street. And given the kooks vying for president now, Flavor Flav would poll in double digits. As Allen Iverson sagely said, “I mean, listen, we’re talking about politics, not money, we talking about politics. Not money. Not, not… Not the money that I go out there and die for like it’s my last. Not money, but we’re talking about politics, man. I mean, how silly is that?”

In 2011, Dr. King would witness white kids flooding the streets chanting “We Shall Overcome” as they threaten to Occupy n’ shit. White kids. From families with money. From families!

“Wait a minute, Tyrone. These white children are crying about inequality to a Negro president?”

From coast-to-coast, white kids with dirty clothes and dreadlocks are crying about their precious and selfish “futures.” But 1968 Martin Luther King, Jr. wouldn’t support some fake-ass “protests” like #OCCUPY because he would clearly see through the selfish and self-righteous bullshit in like two seconds. He’d know it’s “just another power grab, Tyrone. Don’t believe the hype. What? That’s a song too? By, whom? Public Enemy? Oh, Tyrone, I grow weary with your time.”

I imagine flying Martin Luther King, Jr. all over America would make him so pissed off from having to take his damn shoes and belt off for each damn flight, he’d finally just give up and decide to buy his own MacBook Air and some Wi-Fi so he can “relax and catch up with these times, Tyrone.” Sadly, when we get to the Apple store, Dr. King breaks down into sobbing tears from exhaustion and frustration. What sets him off? People standing in blocks-long lines to buy iPhones as if it was food or the opportunity to vote. The last I hear from Martin Luther King is:

“WE’RE SO DOOMED! WHAT DID I DO?! PUT ME BACK IN THAT DAMN FREEZER!”

-JULIUS T. LEISURE
@JuliusTLeisure

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