People who seriously believe in Anarchy are mentally ill. Communists are just kidding. Liberals are uneducated brats who rail at the world like it sent them to their room with no supper. Neo-conservatives are just liberals with money and power, and conservatives, well conservatives are perfect.
At least, they seem perfect at first. They’re smart and rational and can hear new ideas without flying off the handle. Conservatives know the numbers when they talk about, say, immigration and can tell you what it does to education, population and how that eventually affects the environment. If you’ve been in the liberal camp for a while this kind of candor feels like taking a delicious shit. Liberals barely passed “Gender & Film” and “Philosophy of Self” and have become so insecure about it, they scream blindly into your ears “explaining” incredibly complex science like precisely why the earth is warming and exactly how steel reacts to fire. What a bunch of fucking idiots.
I’ll take the right over the left any day. The left sees the right as one big Gargamel that controls the money and the Christianity and the wars but the truth is the paleocons hate the neocons who laugh at the evangelists and none of them really know where the money comes from or where it’s going.

Where the left is made up of dumb babies with one myopic mantra, the right tends to be smart adults who can give you some of the best arguments for the war in Iraq and against it. Sounds great right? There’s one problem. Uh, two actually: 1- Everyone on the right believes in God and 2- everyone on the right is a huge, brutal, unrelenting NERD. This means talking to them about Islam and other cultures is refreshingly frank and productive but as soon as you get near hedonism or God the conversation’s over.

…wait, you honestly believe Terry Schiavo was murdered? That fat chick who could barely shit her pants for 15 years? And you can’t be serious about not aborting a baby under 8 weeks. I mean, after 2 months we can argue, but it’s a fucking peanut for the first two missed periods. Come on. And gays? You’re going to try and convince me they aren’t born that way. Okay, try this, suck a hundred dicks and see how gay it makes you. Still gross right? Look, if you think gay culture is such a temptress then I have some bad news for you buddy, you’re gay. Huh? The Pope? You mean that old guy in Italy who’s always waving? You give a fuck what he has to say about - anything? Why? Because Santa Cloud reached down and touched his hair. Great. I thought you were an intellectual.

Then they start talking about drugs (never tried them), prostitution (never fucked one) and rap. Holy shit do they hate rap. Some of them even think it’s racist. Oooooh kaye. I guess the Sex Pistols are a racist portrayal of whites. Whatever, nerds. You guys are ten years in New York away from being even remotely hang-out-with-able. Peace!

This inevitably brings you to Libertarians. They have the government distrust of the anarchist but without the FTW part. They are the opposite of communists. They have the “anything goes” mentality of liberals but have actually read more than one book and can name more than 3 present world leaders (seriously, try to get a liberal to name you 4 world leaders in power today. Hint: in Canada it’s a Prime Minister and it’s not Tony Blair anymore). Libertarians also make great journalists because they refuse to follow the “If it bleeds it leads” scare tactic and will happily bust the shit out of any myth in town. Their anti-inflammatory scoops run the gamut…

Cancer’s going down. It only appears to be going up because more people are getting checked. The earth is warming, yes, but it’s warming very slowly and it’s the warming that’s causing the CO2 to rise not the other way round. Gun ownership actually helps prevent crime when you factor in the part where two million proud owners have said, “Get out of my house” and “no you may not rape me.” Women don’t earn less than men. They only appear to earn less because they tend to choose Timmy’s kindergarten stage debut over staying at the office until midnight, competing for the BNR account. Recycling is bullshit. The government noticed we feel guilty about throwing away all this trash so they taxed the shit out of us to prevent more landfills. Um, what landfills? Gas prices are only the “highest ever” when you ignore inflation. They’ve actually gone down. If you want to ignore inflation then OK, chocolate bars are at their highest prices ever.

None of this kind of talk is good for business in the media. You can’t say “Don’t go away. When we come back from the break we’ll tell you that you’re not in danger and your kids are going to be just fine.” It seems the only thing the libertarians like more than the free market is telling the truth.

You know what else is great about them? They could give a shit about God and don’t waste their time with that shitty book he put together (BTW as Sam Harris pointed out, why did God allow Dostoyevsky and Shakespeare’s books to be so much better than his?) Libertarians also like to party more. I have zero proof of this but who do you think does more drugs and goes to more strip clubs, libertarians or conservatives? I thought so. Finally. The perfect party. We are home.
Shit. I just found a snag. Their distrust of rules extends globally. Anyone can do anything they want, anywhere, and that includes the biggest corporations in the world. That means they love globalism and The World Bank and have no problems with monopolies like that Mexican guy who runs all of Central and South America’s phones from his desk. Nice. Shipbuilding leaving Glasgow for Bangladesh and the pay plummeting from $100 a day to $1? Great! Good for the market. Local manufacturing? Pshaw! “We need to take advantage of the fact that ¾ of the world is starving.”
Shit, there goes our last foster parent. Libertarians are bang-on with just about everything but if you don’t want the globe to become 173 rich whites controlling 599,999,827 poor browns, you’re going to have to say good-bye to the relentless liberty of the libertarian.

Who does that leave? Who wants as little government as possible but doesn’t want a borderless universe where everyone from Peruvian cab drivers to wet kids in France have to call GE for their power? Crusties that’s who. You heard me. Crusties. They are anarchists (I know, I’ve seen the badges) but whenever the WTO or any kind of global trade gathering tries to go down they show up in black and torch the place. Sure they think Mumia should be allowed to kill cops. Sure they hate Israel so much they defend robed troglodytes who shoot women in the head for farting. Sure they love Che Guevara and think his communist ass is anarchist too. Look, you don’t have to marry the guys; Just say you are “affiliated with their philosophy.”
From now on, if anyone asks me what political party I support I am going to crawl out of the garbage, take the syringe out of my arm and barf the words, “I’m a fucking crusty.”

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