After you smoke a bowl, those first fifteen minutes really are something special. Kurt Vonnegut called it being “sweet stoned” – that brief window of insight and happiness that smoking marijuana lets you have for free.
After you smoke a bowl, those first fifteen minutes really are something special. Kurt Vonnegut called it being “sweet stoned” – that brief window of insight and happiness that smoking marijuana lets you have for free.
Yep, for free: The first fifteen minutes are on the house. After those fifteen minutes though, it’s your responsibility to obtain a VEHICLE for your high. Otherwise, only one of two things can happen:
a) You’ll settle into a pleasant state of genius incoherence, where brilliant ideas fill your head like lollipops but you’ll be too lazy to pluck them out and write them down.
OR
b) You’ll be overcome by the terrors of paranoia usually reserved for true psychotics.
If you do find a VEHICLE during these first fifteen minutes, you are AWARDED with bonus sweetness time. It’s just like Pole Position or any other racing game: If you get to a checkpoint then bing! Here’s another chunk of time to play.
Now, about the VEHICLES themselves: The VEHICLES are anything that capture your attention and focus it on something RIDEABLE.
Here are some examples of standard-issue VEHICLES:
-rock and roll concerts
-music from a hi-fi
-a video game
-a movie, if you’re smart enough to keep continuity while high, which I am not.
Now, one of the darkest VEHICLES I ever rode was on 4/20/99.
We were on a San Francisco roof that day, bro, a sunny day, getting high at work – obviously – since it was 4/20 and we were geniuses and our parents and bosses were all RETARDED. Even our OLD pot-smoking colleagues (in their 30′s) with kids and families and shit who tried to share our jokes were all were all soooo stupid and old and FUCK THEM – we were geniuses.
When we finally ran downstairs from our session and got back to our desks and our Netscape 3 browsers: boom, there was Columbine!
It was a VEHICLE alright: we sat with our faces glued to the fucking screens for the whole afternoon – for the rest of the WEEK – ingesting every bit of information we could get our eyeballs on.
If you don’t know the sick and complex twisted genius of what these guys pulled off, go look it up.
They were horrible evil innovators, those kids; they really were. Calling them innovative is considered offensive to the families of the deceased, but it’s a big fat lie not to do so. It’s like when Bill Maher got in trouble for calling the 9/11 highjackers “brave” when the federal government was quite clear that they were to be referred to as “Cowards.” Cowards? Really? Seemed pretty fuckin brave to me. Crazy; evil; but brave.
These kids wanted to start a movement, and unfortunately, they succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. They are still worshipped by thousands and thousands of “Eric and Dylan” fan sites, and are THE posterboy revenege rebels for every beaten-down, mocked, pussyless nerd in the world.
They started a movement, just like they wanted to, and the bottom line is this: 10 years later, schoolkids are killing themselves at fairly regular intervals, and in that process, trying to kill as many of their fellow students as they can. This is all in an attempt to seek revenge, be famous, and compete for the much coveted high score. This is really happening.
The REAL answer to this problem is for the Federal Government to create laws PROHIBITTING the Media from releasing the names and identities of anyone Pulling a Columbine™. This would end school shootings and most dramatic mass murders instantaneously: You can NOT have a high score if there’s no scoreboard. RUB, RUB, RUB.
The Federal Government will never enact this law, but why the hell not I don’t know. Hey, as long as we’re a socialist nation redistributing wealth and searching people’s bags on the subway and shit, we may as well go all out and make laws restricting the powers of the media. I don’t see why this is any different, and it would sure as hell save children’s lives.
HOWEVER, for better or for worse, this will never happen, SO, I’ve got one alternate plan to share:
Based on the experiences I’ve had with the Streetcarnage readership, it is not entirely unfathomable to me that IF THERE IS another Columbine copycat waiting in the wings somewhere, HE COULD QUITE POSSIBLY BE a streetcarnage reader and is therefore most likely reading the exact words that you are – at this exact moment – now that I’ve posted something that is RELATIV 2 HIS INTRISTS.
Therefore, I make a plea: Copycat Columbine Killer, listen carefully: Please don’t do it, don’t hurt anyone, and seek medical attention.
Not gonna listen, right? OK, here’s my second idea:
Look at your target for a second. Why are you killing your fellow students? Because they tortured you and now you wanna torture them, or really just because that’s what Dylan and Eric did?
Well I have a better idea, a much better idea:
IF you are going to kill people (which again, I do NOT think you should do) I propose that you can get BIGGER props, and be MORE famous, and be MORE of an hero, by getting away from the PLAYED-OUT old columbine template and thinking
for yourself.
Check THIS shit out:
Surely there are some groups of people on the planet, who while they DON’T DESERVE TO DIE, whose mass extermination would be MORE productive AND get you more props than just killing kids at your highschool.
Maybe you could look on the Internet and say, find organizations of people who HATE other people, who advocate the killing or deprivation of liberty for people of different:
-races
-religions
-gaynesses
-belief systems
Maybe you could put some work in, MELD into their organizations, take your time, stay in school, go to their meetings, fuck with them and make them think you believe their bullshit, then wait for a big ass group picnic, and when you go to the picnic, instead of bringing tuna salad or anti-gay handouts, you bring an uzi and blow 50 of em away.
NOT THAT THEY DESERVE IT! Again, please don’t do it! See Plea A1!
BUT…
IF and only if you ARE going to kill people anyway – How much better would it be, rather than killing these kids you go to school with, how much better would it be if you could send a message to klansmen,terrorist fucks, racist fucks, gay bashers, anti-abortionist murderers…. AND earn the respect of the hottest girls in your class.
SHOW those girls in your class that they’re WRONG about you – not that they’re RIGHT. They’re EXPECTING you to blow up the school! Just look atcha!
I know you, Danny – You want them to say this: “We were wrong about Danny. We should have been nice to him and treated him right – if we had treated him differently than Marcy and Lisa and Jenny would all still be alive. Boo hoo we’re horrible people!”
But they ain’t gonna say that.
You go kill your classmates, and those hot girls are just gonna say “oh my god that psycho fuck! he really was a fucking psycho – I KNEW IT – lets get the school and the police to crawl up the other nerds’ asses, and don’t let them listen to Ramshtein or play Grand Theft Auto EVER FUCKING AGAIN.
I’m telling you Danny, this is a much better plan.
BE THEIR HERO!
I can hear them saying it now: “We were wrong about Danny! I THOUGHT he was a fucking nerdpsycho, but instead he gave his LIFE to kill hundreds of those ____ fuckers who hate blacks and jews and fags.” or “Danny made those anti-abortion clinic murderers pay – those assholes will NEVER feel safe again!”
Or the holy grail of them all, Danny: “I was so scared about Iran, about their nuclear weapons program. I could barely sleep…but now we don’t have to worry about Iran anymore, because Danny from Midvale built an atom bomb off the internet, smuggled it into Iran, pretended he was going to a youth movement Islamic tweetup, and blew the whole fucking country into the dust ESPECIALY their secret nuclear weapons program.”
Danny nuked them, honey. Danny gave his life to save the world from Iran.
Don’t kill, Danny – no one deserves to die. But if you must kill, don’t just kill other kids like a weak little copycat fag. Kill for a cause, Danny; kill outside the box. Kill nobly; Kill with honor. Danny? Kill Different.
FIRST0RZ
that was long
Hell of an idea. VEHICLE.
The fact that the news media still releases the names of killers like this is absolutely unconscionable, an truly is 100% to blame for the continuation of school shootings- as well as other “high profile” crime for that matter.
People do things for props and notoriety, and killing people is unfortunately no exception.
black people really cannot write.
writing this was one of those vehicles, right? it’s funny. and smart. except for the message… that was somewhat retarded.
the rest was good though.
well BN, not to be a pc fag, but your post was remarkably dick-centric. what about all the prospective girl killers? I mean I have to rein in my homicidal urges on a daily basis, especially when I am PMSing, I hate everyone and fantasize about killing them, now I have no advice because this is clearly just for boyzzzz. And when the day finally comes and I have one more Ty Hardaway type come over and ask me to fax some shiz while he goes out to lunch, I will scream “why can’t you just scan it and email it yourself you lazy retarded geriatric diaper dandy faggot!” as I gouge his eyes out with a letter opener. Sigh, I won’t stop and think about saving it for a more constructive kill, all because you forgot about us vaginas.
Thats kind of like in the 90′s when it was a hacker’s dream to be caught and then hired by the FBI. Nerds who succesfully blow up skinhead picknicks should be recruited into crack-nerd squads and sent abroad.
Oy vey could I go on and on and on!
Hmmm/ So it’s ok to kill if the reasons are right? Ok, I’m writing this shit down.
good.
oH FUCK! now that was TOOO FUCKIN FUNNEEE now Blognigger! Awesome, fuckin’ awesome, you are a cultural theorist slash dude extraordinaire, Dude!
“Just look atcha!” — Shit was great
a+++++++
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Newfag
bn, don’t listen to those other street carnage negative peeps,, i look forward to your post, awesom!
limiting the freedom of the press is utter fail. a wise man once said “those who would trade liberty for safety deserve neither”
- george wahington carver
Please do a whole post on the pot stuff – you have it naild.
you should consider doing a post solely on encyclopediadramatica and the sheer horror of that part of teh interwebz.
i agree with this 80%.
Does this week have a theme or something? I didn’t want to know that site existed.
too long. get your own blog, nigger.
i’ve always said that i’d do that once i contract hiv.
A socialist nation??! Re-distributing the wealth??! Hahahahahahahaha you dont really believe that right?
Mass shootings maybe are a reason we need to look at our priorities in this world. Like maybe .03% of the population having 99.909909887% of the money in the world is not the best place to raise human children in..? If pointing that out every now and then means everyones gonna get all fox-news on you and call you a socialist communist freedom hater, then bring out the richard mcbeefs because we have some myths to clear up here.
That was a good article tho.
I propose the next columbiners target corporate heads who are responsible for shareholders interests given more priority than the kids in the community.
Or maybe the columbiners could walk up into Fox News, and we get some DC snipers onto the asshole ceo’s of this world.
We kind of need some french revolution stuff here. but instead of a guillotine they get tarred and feathered (and 600 hours community service each. building public toilets in low income neighbourhoods)
you’re free to go now.
Hmm… you’re saying give the high school psychos the same anonymity we give rape victims. An intriguing idea except it’s totally unenforceable. Oh sure, the police could withhold their names and the media could do the same, but you know the public would ferret out those names. Hell, the parents of said killers would do it just so they could get on TV and talk about “I didn’t know he had this in him.”
Even the anonymity of rape victims isn’t ironclad, as long as you have shitheels like Pamela Mackey or Tom Leykis willing to spill the name of the accuser. It’s rare but still possible if not all sides are willing to play ball. Who’s to say all parties even tenuously related to a mass murder could do the same?
It’s somewhat sick and twisted but it makes total sense.
Sometimes I think about people that want to commit suicide or people that feel as hopeless as the type BN mentioned and ponder why they didn’t just get into something like skateboarding or snowboarding and learn to chuck themselves over flights of stairs or 110foot ice blocks. It would give them respect from their peers, and tonnes of pussy.
Fucking good fuck you all I’m that fuckin guy!
i rode this Vehicle all the way through Hightown
“Kill Different.” brilliant. I want to see the Apple ads: Columbine kids blowing up GOD HATES FAGS military funeral PROTESTS – the ones where those fucking assholes come and shriek at people at their kids’ funerals.
I want to see the apple ads of columbine kids blowing away those dudes… “Kill Different.”
“Danny nuked them, honey. Danny gave his life to save the world from Iran.”
haahahahahahahaha
Weren’t the Columbine kids racist, homophobes? Iran has a nuclear program?
You promote censorship, on this site?
@ “Weren’t the Columbine kids racist, homophobes?”
Ooops-a-daisy!
That entirely negates the nobility of slaughtering a dozen or more people.
Only Fox News would lead someone to believe the transparent trope that killing en masse is worse than holding negative opinions about others’ ethnicity or lifestyle choices.
that iran thing is gold
Great post.
Gavin DeBecker’s Book “The Gift of Fear” covers the topic of media attention and copycat crimes. It’s worth the read on so many levels and can help you spot the Eric and Dylan’s in the world.
@cuntvomit
Absolutely not- the columbine killings were not racially motivated, nor were they aimed at jocks, though these are two common misconceptions who’s debunking is in focus right now for the 10 year anniversary.
There is a salon article and a slate piece thats all about this guys book talking about this shit. I’m too lazy to google any of them, you do it.
Calling america socialist kills me. fuck.
more of the problems fo the Americas. druggs and the killing of each other.
We say that you should always keep on the corse that you are on America!
from Preck1
@ Dr. Breeder: Gavin DeBecker is no relation to Gavin DeBeckles, right?
This is why the enlisted military is great; if you can’t actually live your excuse for a life, go there & they will give you a different one. It is like prison for people who shouldn’t be allowed to make their own decisions.
Real truth.
“IF and only if you ARE going to kill people anyway – How much better would it be, rather than killing these kids you go to school with, how much better would it be if you could send a message to klansmen,terrorist fucks, racist fucks, gay bashers, anti-abortionist murderers…. AND earn the respect of the hottest girls in your class.”
I lived in Colorado, trust me, that’s exactly who they were killing. Outside of the mountains and sunny weather 300 days of the year, that place is a total shithole centered around a narrow minded, low iq culture of greed and corruption. It also has tons of incredibly beautiful women, but their personalities are hardcore boner killers.
Klebold and Harris were alive when Colorado was getting Californicated to the max, a time when a lot of Cali industry was moving to the Front Range in search of cheaper digs in a nice climate. What we saw back then was a full-on clash of California superficialism and avarice with extreme Colorado right-wing fear. All it did was create a hugely psychopathic and lame society comprised of borderline illiterate, nouveau riche cunts who, despite Colorado’s desperate attempts to appear new agey and progressive, completely dominated the social landscape.
I’ve always thought that Harris and Klebold were nothing more than a pair of social niggers (not racial) living in the world’s most nigger free society. They were the kind of white guys who probably would have benefited nicely from living in the ‘hood for a while. I could see them buying a warehouse far away from any Starbuck’s and creating their own little world.
I disagree with your belief that pussy would make it all okay. Whatever those kids were, they were way too intelligent to be bought off by women. If that was what they really wanted, they could have put their energy and resources into getting hookers. Besides, it’s pretty hard to be mollified by hetero sex when your names are Dylan and Eric and you’re already pumping each other. I don’t think there’s any hard evidence that they were gay, but would we really be surprised to find out that they were? I couldn’t even imagine being gay in that culture. Remember Matthew Shepherd? He was murdered just up the road from Littleton about 6 months before Columbine. I remember there was all this public outcry from the people of Wyoming and Colorado, screaming how that’s not what they’re about, how their culture did not create such horrible homophobia, yet all I saw was the exact opposite. As a matter of fact, a mere two months after Shepherd died, the town where he died, Ft. Collins, effectively voted to make it legal to fire someone from a job for being gay. And oh yeah, what about that fundamentalist minister who presided over one of the world’s largest fundamentalist congregations in Colorado Springs? Not only would that guy speak out against gays, he’d fucking mock them. But guess what? Behind the scenes he was pumping man ass AND doing meth. To me, that’s a large part of what Colorado is. It’s a big fucking moral lie in extremis and far worse than the average cruel hypocrisy that we see across America.
I think that Klebold and Harris should have hung on and become great writers. We all know what they say about the pen and the sword. Just take that route. Write it down. Did you ever see the letter of apoology that Harris wrote to the guy whose van he broke into and the accompanying entries in his personal journal? It’s kinda like comedy gold.
I give this thought provoking post an 8.5.
please do not direct people to ED
in the future refrain from giving that or any other site like it attn.
k thx
Vane$$a’s comments on this are the best comments I’ve read on any website. She reminds me a lot of Klebold and Harris – so intelligent and yet so obviously crazy.
Vane$$a, one things for sure: we disagree virtually always, but Id read a book by you in a heartbeat. write one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8rMYyegT5Y
the weed vehicle thing was right on, but then when you started to try and save the lives of children, you lost me. my weed vehicle is anonymously talking shit on the internet.
Drugs and violence, a++
RE: black people can’t write
what about my nigger baldwin?
& my nigga ellison, goddamn, real talk
and DOOM !!!!!!!!!!
I didn’t make the black people can’t write comment. Invisible Man is one of my all-time favorites.
On the topic of race, if I were to compare Harris and Klebold to any historical figures, it would be Nat Turner and the other slaves who perpetrated the Southampton massacre.
Okay… first of all, I just have to say that “Oh Shit I’m Korean” is the best ‘tag’ I’ve seen here so far.
Dude! Yes! this is awesome. Blognigger at his best: revealing, entertaining, and 100% correct.
In the old days we used to have these things called ‘wars’ where you could send the Eric/Dylans of the world to let them blow off steam… unfortunately now because of the media we have all of these ‘rules’, and people go to jail for something as innocuous as stacking up political prisoners in a pyramid. God damn the age of the digital camera.
By the way, before you start getting all haughty about the use of torture, let’s remind ourselves what war really consists of. In the 14th century a Central European tribal king celebrated a victory by removing the eyeballs of all 5000 of the prisoners captured, leaving one in every 100 men with one eye to guide the rest back to their home city. And you’re complaining about humiliating photos on the internet? FUCK YOU.
Please leave off the “Corporate executives” being responsible for communities falling apart shit. YOU are responsible. YOU eat at McDonald’s YOU fill up at Exxon Mobil, YOU buy your toaster at Wal-Mart. And if you don’t, then fuck you anyway, it doesn’t make you special, it just makes you a self-righteous prick. NO ONE CARES.
Also, Vane$$a: please shut the fuck up you stupid bitch.
“I disagree with your belief that pussy would make it all okay.”
You have obviously never been a 15 year old male. And your response to blognigger amounts to ‘Yeah but they were probably gay’. Do you have any idea how fucking Stupid that sounds? And then you conclude by saying they should have gone on to be writers? PFFT!!!! Yeah, because that’s what the world needs, another fucking WRITER. I give your post a NEGATIVE 8.5, and metaphorically slap you across the face with a disfigured, smegma-smeared donkey cock. WHABBBONG!!! SCHLAPP!!
Eh, I bet you wouldn’t say that to my face.
I seen pictures of Vane$$a. He looks like she’d have a super big dick!
Of course I wouldn’t say that to your face. But there’s this big new thing called “The Internet” where you can go and leave comments anonymously. It allows you to say things that you wouldn’t otherwise get the chance to because of the constraints of the dynamics of face-to-face interpersonal relationships, which allows for a lot of mindless slander, but also you get to raise interesting points for which you might not otherwise get the opportunity.
I would, however, LITERALLY slap you across the face with a disfigured, smegma-smeared donkey cock. WHABBBONG!!! SCHLAPP!!
God damn can you write. VERY funny and prolific bn, if only it were so.
wow. Gavin, i don’t know you personally, but i hope you appreciate this guy. this article has the potential to last a long time spinning around teh internets – a classic.
first off, beej is a moron and should never speak again.
second, i like how this whole thing was directed at JUST A NORMAL GUY (THE ORIGINAL) after he freaked out and went all emo and destroyed his alter ego that was better than his normal ego
Vonnegut didn’t smoke weed.
This has inspired me to continue an idea I’ve been working on. I’d like to create a deadly solvent that can safely be stored under scratch-off lottery tickets, only administered upon scratching. Then I’d like to place them within the same ratio as a $20 winner in each bundle. This would not only be helpful to society on so many levels, it would be hilarious to watch.
Hang on. Didn’t he write this same piece like a couple of months ago? I’m pretty sure he did.
Oops, disregard – I was thinking of my mom’s pro-mandatory abortion piece.
I like how those kids tried to dress like badasses with guns and they still looked like nerds.
No comment is a comment.
@put your dick away
Vonnegut smoked Pall Malls DUH.
The classiest way to commit suicide.
The Columbine kids obvs didn’t get this memo.
vane$$a is a hater,
this shit is bangin.
This is really incredibly good. The ending is chill inducing.
@whiners suck
uhhh this was dick-centric because 99.9% of school shooters possess dicks. girls don’t hate their classmates, they hate themselves. boys shoot up the school, girls cut themselves.
anyway, an all-around great piece from BN.
wow molokovellocet – great comment. take that whiners spit
Bonnegut also smoked the New Ports
@molokovellocet
Um actually I did hate my classmates, and I think I’m pretty awesome (= not hating myself) which is probs why I hate everyone else (they don’t measure up to my goddess-like qualities, duh). So ya know, sorry that you had low self esteem and now have some carved up hamhocks…but that isn’t all girls.
Wow I had no idea that school shooters were mostly boys, seeing as how thats all I’ve ever heard about, gee ya really got me with your 99.9% stat, now I’m da stooopid one! Yup, I had no idea, ya got me, ya got me! I wasn’t being sarcastic at all! thanks for putting me straight.
There are ways to off yourself, get in the papers, and not take any innocent lives with you.
I’m thinking about eating a huge box of Ex-Lax, climbing to the top of the Washington Monument, tying off a rope to one of the little windows up there, slipping the other end around my neck, dropping my pants and jumping at the exact moment when I can’t hold the big Shit in anymore. If there’s a little wind and I get the jump angle right, I should be able to get some swing on this and leave a huge brown smiley face as a suicide note.
and this is where i quit reading blognigger. over the line dude.
Be heroes for the dykes, feminists, and anti-racists? FUCK THAT SHIT!
I must admit your suggestion could easily be applied to left-wing scum, which serves my purposes well. Join and infiltrate their queer-assed groups, and when the time comes, blast them to pieces. That will be MY solution.
Did anyone read Columbine by Dave Cullen? Those kids were not “mocked pussyless nerds” They had friends and were not particularly picked on. The idea that they were lashing out against the jocks and preps who bullied them is a common myth. The truth was they were planning to blow up their school and kill everyone. Eric Harris was a psychopath and Dylan Klebold was suicidal.