Holy Fucking Shit:
Artie Lange Stabs Himself!
According to the NY Post, Artie fucking Lange stabbed himself 9 times, and that’s the reason behind his mysterious hospitalization this weekend.
As a 25-year Stern fan, I think I speak for Artie lovers and haters alike when I say … WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
-WAH I make two million dollars a year not to show up for work!
-WAH I’m 700 pounds and still fucking a model!
-WAH I have every comedian’s wet dream job, WAH!
Judging from the 6 “hesitation” wounds, (nice!) I’m hoping this wasn’t more than a cry for attention, like Artie’s recent rampage against David Cross. (Talk about the pot calling the Kettle a black!)
We can take this fact as comfort: if Artie really wanted to kill himself, I’m pretty sure he knows how to OD.
Hey Artie: Get off the show, get to inpatient care, and get well you faggot — we love ya.
UPDATE: His 23-year-old girlfriend Jessica Pilot (heir to the Pilot Pen throne) has “It’s complicated” under her relationship status on Facebook. Maybe she dumped him and he went nuts? This is her:
TOO FAT FOR WRISTS
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH that’s amazing!
Could be the best headline in history
But seriously, Artie is a mentally Ill individual and this is the best thing that could hae happeed when you consider he could have been Chris Farleyed. He will now get the attention he needs. Salud!
Blessing in disguise, I hope. I love Artie, and I hope he takes care of business now.
he should stab harder next time
I occasionaly feel a twinge of regret for not buying a whatsit called after they went off regular radio
I just read that article dissing David Cross then went to youtube to see some of David cross’s comedy. boy, lang pretty much hit the nail on the head. only took about a minute to realize it.
^ man, you missed the boat. Satellite + no Jackie, the show was never better.
I always hoped that Jackie Martling would invite Artie out for a bender, dose him and take back his place during the on-air memorial tribute to that fat turd. I’d love to hear the Jokeman’s laugh as the crew talked about Artie kicking off.
Agree with drippy, Stern since ’06 is some of the best entertainment of all time
I thought he was dating a girl named Adrian…
he sucks and is not funny. get that man a sharper blade.
after watching artie’s dvd ‘its the whiskey talkin’ I came the conclusion that artie is not much of a standup comic.
I sure do miss Stern… Spent years shitting my pants in laughter.
Still, FUCK PAY-RADIO.
Artie’s talent in a nutshell:
Great on the show.
Not so great by himself.
Jack And Coke was good.
@Beefy McManstick
chuh right! you obviously haven’t seen him on mad TV.
i would like to point out that jessica pilot wrote the david cross article. she interviewed her fat, whiny boyfriend. for blackbook.
he has about 20 minutes of material TOTAL, that he uses not only in his stand-up, but on every tv appearance Ive ever seen him in, as well as his book.. I think Ive heard him do the ‘if you ever want to have a heart attack during a football game, bet everything you have on this team and listen to this announcer’ routine on about 6 different occasions over 7 years.. his book was way more ‘wahhh feel sorry for me’ than it was funny. bottomline is hes a really messed up guy whos only funny due to what a trainwreck he is, not because hes a good comedian..
Trying to think of things more hardcore than stabbing yourself…
@omg sooo randum: between that one and the pig costume on mad TV story, that’s pretty much all he has. oh, and he calls everything a fag.
Artie blows dogs for quarters.
fix your shit or just kill yourself and bring back Jackie the joke man.
he stabbed the wrong guy
Artie may suck, but he’s dead-on correct about David Cross. It gives me the chills to even see him speak. wincetastic!
TOO FAT FOR WRISTS = win
WHY?????
Why don’t you tell us how you really feel
Yeah, Artie’s girlfriend is named Adrian.
David Cross is a better standup, Artie Lange is more likeable guy. Listen to David Cross bomb on Stern horribly here:
http://www.mediafire.com/?yznjmygxfmo
The next day Fred Norris said he was one of the worst guests they have ever had on the show.
I loved him as Tobias, but David Cross definitely rubs me the wrong way. Not because he comes across as bitter, angry, acerbic, etc. Those are all pretty typical traits for comedians.
It’s his passive-aggressive demeanor and snide little facial expressions that I can’t stand. If you’re a successful public figure and you’re miserable, fine. But dude, you made it. You won, the jocks lost. Don’t be such a bitter, whiny, angry little bitch about everything. Even Don Rickles seems pleasant on occasion.
P.S. I guarantee that as people find him to be increasingly unbearable, he’ll rebrand himself as a ‘political comedian’ so that he can find a loyal audience, no matter how unfunny and miserable he becomes.
Please explain why the heiress to the Pilot Pen throne has to be a star-fucker? Bitch don’t need no $$ Don’t even try to tell me he’s “charming”..
speaking of don rickles… yeah, don rickles is god
Hes dating some bitch called Adrienne, who the fuck is this pilot pen hoe?
My Blogbrother!
mark harris- I went to youtube after reading the blackbook article and watched the very first david cross entry that came up. It was about going to see some woman who goes and sees the virgin mary or something. It was pretentious, self indulgent, and unfunny all in the space of about 90 seconds.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=se1b3Vh_VhU
he’s a poor man’s chris farley who was actually just a poor man’s sam kineson
I challenge everyone criticizing Cross to watch that Marilyn Monster video and then go look in the mirror. How does your resumé compare?
Rush Limbaugh is so much better than David Cross.
exactly joey, thank you!
mark harris can you please repost the media fire file? would like to hear the stern show, sure i’m not the only one.
thanks
Mr. Show was good and Tobias was great, but David Cross comes off as a mean, narcissistic dick who doesn’t deserve the career he was handed. He’s basically the kind of slimy, arrogant hebe that makes me ashamed to be a Jew.
I can’t think of two people I’d rather hang out with together than Artie Lange and Norm MacDonald. Even though I’m not drowning in my own vices any longer that would have to be the best time ever.
Artie is the only good thing about Howard now. O&A are way better.
shes not his girlfriend, shes the writer who interviewed Cross and Lange–face check your shit!
I looked it up, they are buddies, no slutty buddies
Okay, two things:
1) That’s not his girlfriend, that’s my friend Jess. Congrats on your two-and-half minutes of insanely sloppy research, though.
2) This column is horrendously unfunny. Actually being funny requires, you know… jokes. Brain-dead reflexive snark does not equal jokes. If you want to make fun of Artie Lang, fine. But think of something clever to say first. Just a thought.
*”Two-and-a-half minutes”
**”Artie Lange”
***Still a terrible pointless column that says nothing about anything. Ha ha! He’s depressed and he wants to die so badly that he stabbed himself repeatedly! Also: fat! Oh, the funny. Ha to the motherfucking ha.