In sixth grade, I used to have this daydream-nightmare where my whole class would get to review a highlight reel of all the times I had ever masturbated.
Title Image Photoshop Props: Ty Hardaway
In sixth grade, I used to have this daydream-nightmare where my whole class would get to review a highlight reel of all the times I had ever masturbated.
So wait, he pretends to be sick in order to stay home and beat Metroid, and then he not only masturbates in the shower and in his room, but then on the couch during BOTH Showcase Showdowns?
Tiger Woods is currently living this nightmare taken to a degree that no eleven-year-old boy’s brain could begin to conjure … and we’re most likely only 28% through the reel.
Without further ado, let’s take a look, from LEAST-hot to hottest, at what Tiger lost the Kingdom over:
10. MINDY LAWTON
This girl literally lived in a trailer park and was an IHOP waitress. Everything else aside, THIS GIRL is how you can tell Tiger had a sex addiction — this is the sex addict’s equivalent of being out of vodka at 2 AM and going to the bathroom to drink rubbing alcohol. This is Kitty-Dukakis level shit.
What would I do to her: Almost nothing, and for me that’s saying a lot. MAYBE if it was 2 AM and she secretly showed up at my couch and my wife was asleep, I would let her give me a handjob — bet she has pretty IHOP waitress nails.
9. KALIKA MOQUIN
Ditto for this broad. She looks like freakin’ Jon Lovitz. All squat and revolting like a Hungarian refugee?
What would I do to her: Titty-fuck her. She’s got a pretty good set of breast implants, see:
8. JAMIE JUNGERS
Yeah, I don’t even know if she looks that much like Tammy Faye Baker, it’s just her disgusting caked makeup / coverup face — the stewardess look. It’s revolting.
You know if you got her in the shower and scrubbed her face with an exfoliating sponge, put her in a bathrobe, and then looked at her closely under a lamp, her skin would look like crater-face from the drag race in Grease.
What would I do to her: Let her jerk me off onto her neck. She’s got a nice little blonde-girl neck there, and I’m sure she’s got pretty airline-stewardess nails.
7. RACHEL UCHITEL
I have to give Rachel a pass, even though she now looks exactly like horsey Carly Simon because she was a 9/11 widow and that picture makes me feel sick.
It’s a good life lesson though, that when you’re crying your eyes out over the loss of your loved one, you should feel the warm hand of God on your shoulder as He whispers reassuringly, “Don’t worry my child, within five years you’ll be banging Tiger Woods.”
What would I do to her:
Doye — I’d let her blow me: Look at those lips.
5. CORI RIST
Another horse-face? What the fuck was his problem?
What would I do to her: Let her bring me to the point of orgasm and then give her the ol’ Maggie Thatcher Fluoride Treatment.
4. HOLLY SAMPSON
The guy could have any girl in the world, and look who he chooses, my preciousss.
This is how fucking dumb mainstream American men are — something about that porn star look — tall and skinny with big tits. I don’t even understand why guys find girls like this attractive. For me, she can NEVER hold a candle to a swarthy girl-next-door.
What would I do to her: Seeing as she’s a porn star, I’d be obligated to see if she could swallow my salami so deep that she’d be resting her lips on my balls.
3. JAMIE GRUBBS
See, she’s basically a slightly hotter / dumber Paula Abdul. I get it — this one isn’t worth losing a Nike endorsement over, but I’d bang her pretty fucking hard.
What would I do to her: Bang her pretty fucking hard.
2. DIAMOND “FUCKIN” LIL
Ok, we’re gettin’ there. If they were all this quality, I might understand.
That’s the thing about REALLY hot blond girls with crisp blue eyes — you hate yourself for falling into the predictable trap, but you’re only human. It’s like, yeah, it’s just a boring old vanilla ice cream cone, but it’s the BEST vanilla ice cream cone in the world, on a HOT summer day, and I haven’t been laid in months.
What would I do to her: Marry her, get bored of her, cheat on her.
1. “ANONYMOUS”
When you see one like this, you realize that marriage should be illegal. I don’t care if you’ve got a Summer Home and kids with your high school sweetheart — when you see a piece of ass like this walk by, fidelity just isn’t chemically possible.
What would I do to her: Let her finish all over my tits.
—
And that’s that — maybe next week we can do the next 10, after they’re released over the next seven days.
Boy is David Letterman psyched — NO ONE remembers his shit. Poor Tiger though — it’s gonna take Derrick Jeter Himself fucking a ballboy to get Tiger Woods out of the World Media’s gimpsuit.
And what can we learn from this? Only what we’ve said before:
1) Trust no one.
2) Only fuck whores.
Good to see you; be well.
The eighteenth hole will be the twin.
I like this Benjamin dude, Funny writing!
that is actually some funny shit
I wonder what Tiger would do to me.
Bet he’d bust nuts all over my glasses.
(PS A+ DEAN’S LIST)
That’s the thing with skanks… the mega-beautiful girls are so self involved that they are total fucking bores in bed. Skanks can take some proper abuse.
i like it but i’d have to see a pic of your wife before i could take anything you said with more than a grain of salt. you could be sour grapesing over your haggy wife.
also, i find rachel uchitil the hottest. she’s got the paid-for look down to a t. she reeks of hot doggy-style.
Jon Lovitz, Rocky Dennis, Gollum are all uncanny
Sports fans are dopes.
I bet golf fans would covet Tiger’s sloppy seconds as some kind of a trophy in the same way baseball fans would gush over an A-Rod home run ball.
Okay now that was funny. You just made my lunch break worth living. 10.
These girls are all disgusting and I would not touch any of them. He’d be better off with the kid from mask.
And te Paula Abdul one is nuts, I had to look twice.
Tiger’s transgressions? Getting fucking married (and having bad fucking chick-taste…maybe he’s the dude who runs Guess Her Muff).
“Another horse-face? What the fuck was his problem?” Did the man get run over by a stuck-up rich bitch on a horse as a kid at camp or something? Is this some sort of revenge? Dang, dude.
I was all sympathetic with my “Free Tiger Woods” tweets n’ shit. Now he’s just embarrassing. I have to shut up now that he’s making all us mulattoes look seriously bad.
What is Tiger Woods’ type? Chick that like to fuck a lot, I guess.
Not that I blame the dude…just sayin’
Hilarious article. Yah I think Tiger just needs to say he’s a sex addict & go to rehab. Not because this is bad behavior (I mean, a sports star in his prime should have endless booty to bang) but there are some serious skanks on his list.
If I had that cash there should be a South American model or 2 on there, yathink? How far is Orlando from Miami!?
tiger woods is an insecure dork ass he’s just fucking who/what he thinks the general public thinks is hot
relying on misogyny for the jokes . . .
That’s my Blogbrother!
True story: I was just standing around the water cooler with my lecherous Iranian boss, the office hot chick, and some dweeb from the mail room. Of course, the convo eventually moved on to El Tigre. My married boss, who sees me as his main competition for office pussy, made some lame joke about Tiger hitting a lot of holes in one…blah blah blah…Hot chick politely laughed and said, “yeah.” Feeling the need to assassinate my intellectually challenged boss’s hopes and dreams, I blurted out this line: “Mindy Lawton is the sex addict’s equivalent of being out of vodka at 2 AM and going to the bathroom to drink rubbing alcohol.” Hot chick laughed so hard that coffee came out of her nose. I’m also pretty sure she came. Will I be fucking hot chick after a few rounds of Old Fashioneds this Friday night? The over/under is looking good. Thanks BeN!
This is stupid. I thought I was reading a Gavin piece all the way until the end.
I wonder why people are surprised that Tiger has some less than fantatsic women. He’s a golf dork. Think of your Dad’s golfing buddies. Do they get pick of the litter? FORE!
What’s wrong with my pussy, Ne$$a? I thought you loved my pussy, my eighteen-year-old pussy? Or was our marriage just a lie you told all your friends at SBTVC to sound cool.
“I don’t even understand why guys find girls like this attractive”
Yeah, Tiger would like to fuck the LNP chick too, but she doesn’t know who he is, and golf is not a turn-on
When she’s 30, she’ll realize a Nike endorsement is more important than that grant you got to produce your scathing documentary about child labor in the Balkans, but by then she’ll have 2 kids and a herpes virus she won’t tell you about
Poor Tiger
this shit was so funny, I was going to talk about the time i banged a IHOP waitress who had a swazzy tat on her gooch, but I’ma let it slide.
@V-$: now, is your lecherous boss the Iranian hot chick? Because that would be awesome if you were a chick. I’m confused.
if you’re dating a 5 n tiger’s playing in your town, lock that pussy up, son. or use the occasion to ditch the fugly bitch
id do them all
great stuff.
In a post about Tiger Woods you’re suggesting that if a guy wants to fuck the hot chickie baby from his office that means he’s not married? Get with the program. We’re entering a new age, the “archaic revival” as Terence McKenna called it, and I, Vane$$a, am here to shepherd you towards the ultimate happiness. People is gonna be fuckin everywhere. How is monogamy an “enlightened” idea? It’s insane. Just think what will happen once we have universal health care. Divorce courts will be overflowing with frustrated swingers wanting to get out of their marriages/health-care providers/shackles. It’s over for the pussies of the world, double entendre intended. Now, if Tiger would only man-up and start preaching the gospel, we can start getting busy…ASAP. But no, he attaches pejoratives like “transgressions” to his natural manly functions. Hey Tiger (be a man, call yourself Earl), you’re close to being the world’s first billionaire athlete. Something tells me that you can sacrifice a few endorsements for the truth: MEN ARE NOT MONOGAMOUS. NO MATTER HOW HOT IT IS, EVERY SNATCH INEVITABLY GETS OLD. QUIT TORTURING US WITH YOUR EXPECTATION THAT WE ONLY FUCK ONE PUSSY. It ain’t right. Free your dick and your fagginess will follow!
^^then i’m sure your wife knows you fuck other women. you couldn’t possibly be so pussy as to not share that with her now could you, oh enlightened male? go sit in the corner, you stupid dildo.
Bitch Made Says:
Yeah, Tiger would like to fuck the LNP chick too, but she doesn’t know who he is
You’re kidding me right? Who is this bitch Yoko Ono? Is she too involved in the Last Night’s Party art scene to know who Tiger Woods is? That quote is the epitome of putting the pussy on a pedestal. Everybody and I mean everybody knew who that motherfucker was way before his “transgressions.”
What’s with all the embittered, literal crybabies around here? Come on man. Be happy. Things are finally looking up for the white male. Tiger, the mascot of the multi-cult lie, is going down. A white running back might win the Heisman trophy. Obama’s approval ratings are at an all-time low. Thuggy b-ball midget Allan Iverson is unashamedly weeping like a big white baby all over the boob tube. Boxing has plenty of white champions. There’s white snow everywhere…What more do you want?
@Vane$$a 10:03
HA! good point.
2 million hits but i”m posting it anyway
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7i5FlC1MpkE&feature=player_embedded
Definitely into carly simon and ’09 rachel uchitel. i’m naming my band “jamie jungers”.
Blognigger is dead. Long live blognigger.
@!!!! yep…
You made beer come out my nose LMAO!
Best coverage I have seen so far. You guys are cutting linguists, gentlemen and scholars who are loyal husbands and lovers. Street Carnage sets the standard for liberal family values. AMEN!
Can you be a 9/11 widow if you were only engaged at the time? And why does THAT shot make you feel sick? there’s no severed hands or anything, just some future fame whore turning on the waterworks for the camera.
#5 and #2 are the same woman.
tiger woods made one mistake. he pretended to be perfect.
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