Here are three mysteries that nobody knows the answer to. You are too busy to figure them out so I am going to smoke a joint, take a long hot bath, and solve them the same way Einstein figured out how they get the caramel into the Caramilk bar (it’s a bacteria that goes into the chocolate frame as a hard candy and then dissolves).
Here are three mysteries that nobody knows the answer to. You are too busy to figure them out so I am going to smoke a joint, take a long hot bath, and solve them the same way Einstein figured out how they get the caramel into the Caramilk bar (it’s a bacteria that goes into the chocolate frame as a hard candy and then dissolves). Here are the three mysteries I’ll be investigating on your behalf.
1- WHY ARE ALL ARTISTS LIBERAL?
If you go into any art supplies store in America you will see a slew of magnets that say things like, “George Bush is a fucking shithead” with a swastika on his forehead next to a cup holder that makes fun of the 50s nuclear family – like a guy with a pipe by a BBQ and the words, “White People are Crazy” below it. Why is there a common political stance at an art supply store in the first place? Why is it everyone who comes into that store is: pro choice, atheist, Democrat, open borders, anti school vouchers etc? What the fuck has that got to do with drawing hands accurately?
Within the next the week I will be solving this mystery for you.
2- WHY ARE ALL COMEDIANS DEPRESSED?
If you are even remotely close to any kind of stand-up comedy scene you will notice they are all total curmudgeons. Next time you’re in the cafeteria with a tray in your hand wondering where you’re going to sit, DO NOT sit at the comedian table. It is a bummer. If anyone of them say a word (they won’t) it will be about Grand Theft Auto or how little money they made last night. If anyone says a zinger (they won’t) the others look at him like he just said something interesting and instead of laughing they will say, “That was funny” like they’re in the Addams Family.
It is no secret that comedians are all on Prozac. What is it about being funny that makes people so sad? Within the next week I will be solving this mystery for you.
3- WHY DO NERDS HAVE NO SOCIAL SKILLS?
What the fuck is their problem? They are smart. Can’t they figure out how to be just a little bit cool? It’s not “illogical” to get invited to parties and fuck tons of chicks. It’s “Fun.” Why don’t nerds want to try drugs, listen to KEXP and dress not terrible? To see them on the train when they run into someone they know is a torture chamber cringefest and it makes no sense whatsoever.
Within the next week, I will be solving this mystery for you.
artists are commies, comedians are man-children and nerds that are actually smart are the envy of every 40 year old whos working construction well there creating video games and fucking 18 year olds.
Most artists are liberals, but not all. As Franz Liebkind said in “The Producers”:
“Hitler—there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in ONE afternoon! TWO coats!”
This is a way better idea for a regular feature than Wasted Pushups.
I don’t know why, but I’m looking forward to what your research uncovers my friend.
i am a nerd who does drugs and listens to kexp and wears nice clothes. stop all the hate!
i think comedy is depressing because there is very little use for it. you can be a funny motherfucker but unless you’re like one of 5 guys you aren’t going to make any money off of it.
You have a nice office.
artists are liberals because conservatism is the opposite of creativity. doi. creativity and art imply change which is taboo in a conservative society. there are right wing artists in america, but they are regressive politically. take rockabillys for example. christian rock is some of the best music though. ever heard “dc talk”? christian screamo is also way cool and they have better haircuts and they do skateboarding tricks which is cool and holy for christ. they can scream in tongues. i’d fuck ‘em if they shaved thier cocks and asses and lubed up.
what are you dense? I solved these long, long ago (in a galaxy far away?)…
Artists are liberal, i.e. practically socialist because they are poor. They are poor because nobody is going to pay you to paint and sculpt all day. Poor people want free money. Poor people can’t afford babies, etc.
Comedians… well you got this backwards, comedians don’t become depressed, the depressed become comedians. You know that saying, I had to laugh to keep from crying or whatever. Comedy is a way for them to escape (momentarily) their crushing depression. Yes I know a lot of comics, and they are all completely, hopelessly depressed.
Nerds and social skills… again you got this backwards. Sorta. People are nerds because they have little to no friends. They turn inwards. They think alot. They read comics to escape their miserable reality. They play D&D to escape their miserable reality. They are filled with self loathing due to parental abuse and lack of social companionship. They can’t talk to the opposite sex because of this. They secretly wish they could turn invisible and rape all the women they want. They probably will read a book on how to hypnotize women. It won’t work. In time they have tons of experience with computers, poly-sided dice and star wars dolls. They still have no experience with normal people, and hence normal people shun them and humiliate them even more. The path of the nerd and the popular jock/cheerleader type continues to diverge throughout high school until there is no common ground whatsoever.
oh… and you’re welcome. give credit where credit is due. It’s spelled LOL@U motherfucka!
What’s funny about being happy and satisfied?
Wow, Gavin. Those are some really interesting phenomena to investigate.
Why are all Democrats stupid?
Hey, thats my neurologist’s office. There’s a pic of him on the far right from the 1970′s with some old dude and his wife who is one fucking hot broad.
What are your certificates for?
Nerds are socially awkward people. Geeks are the smart ones. Common misconception.
i used to like KEXP alot (even kept listening to it online when i moved from seattle) til i found out about WFMU. maybe nerds listen to WFMU?
Salvadore Dali was not a liberal. He liked to draw pictures of Hitler, pained a portrait of Franco and made fun of Picasso for being a communist.
Comedians are depressed because they’re the ones on the inside of the joke – in a bad way. Their ability to help others laugh off the harsh reality of life only makes them more aware of it themselves, without recourse, like a priest counseling people when he himself is having doubts about god’s existence. Add to it the paradox of successful social commentary: a comedian is torn between his urge to make people laugh and his desire to be taken seriously (Bill Hicks used to talk about this).
The nerd conundrum hits home because I’m terribly socially awkward and the train moment Gavin talks about is pretty much an apt description of most of my day. I used to be cool, or at least be capable of faking it, which I suppose is the same thing. But then you take it easy on the drugs and the booze and the parties because you can’t do that shit forever, and unfortunately you realize that if you are extremely intelligent (let’s say top 3%, I’m not professing that for myself but for the sake of the argument let’s run with it) you just don’t have a lot in common with most other people. Let’s say you’re talking about politics. Instead of picking a side and then filling out the usual arguments for either side, you attack the premise at the heart of the question and make the discussion meaningless. Now you’ve thrown off the entire group dynamic and singled yourself out as an asshole. Great. Keep in mind that if you’re extremely intelligent you’re going to make even very intelligent people feel stupid sometimes, which they’re not used to. It makes them awkward, which makes you awkward, which makes them even more awkward… and on.
As far as I can tell a good part of being ‘cool’ is being able to tune out a lot of shit, and for anyone with an extra-receptive mind that’s pretty hard to do. Average-intelligence people are better at that. Stupid people are AWESOME at it. Smart people, not so much.
When it comes down to it, being really smart, in any general sense of the term, is a form of neurosis. It just so happens that it’s a neurosis that can have tremendous societal value. It kind of reminds me of a story I heard about Chevy Chase. Someone said when you see him in person, he’s all running behind people and sticking his tongue out behind them and being kooky, and you’re like, what kind of grown man does this? And then you look in his eyes, and you see that even he doesn’t want to do it. He Has to do it. It’s some sort of weird comedic compulsion he has. I guess I just feel the same way around other people, except it manifests itself as anti-social nerdiness.
Does that make sense?
No.
Nerds are socially awkward unless they’re hanging out with other nerds, in isolation from non-nerds.
Let this be called the James Corollary.
I wonder if Gavin even reads the comments section. Probably not.
I don’t like when people say “stop the hate” … or “lol.”
I guess my mystery question would be “when did people start talking in sound bites?”
I’m Republican and an artist, but I don’t tell anyone…
All of these mysteries have already been solved.
1) Artists are self-important butt-heads. They believe (but are unable to acknowledge to themselves) that their rightful place in life is to do “culture” for rich people. A successful artist is essentially an inept person who figured out that they can work the system thanks to their ability to draw hands. They’re always “working, building a mystery.”
2) The underlying purpose of everything is the quest for sex. Hence, the world is a funny place if you’re not having sex, and a fun place if your are. Comedians see the humor in everything because they live in a sexless depressive void where everything is funny because it doesn’t make sense.
3) A proper nerd has just enough autism to doom them to a life just beyond the boundaries of normal human interaction. Like Spock, they are obsessed with logic, but, unlike Spock, they have emotions. This is why if anything causes them to be removed from their catatonic state, they become spastic.
Artists = Liberals:
Not all artists are liberal, it’s just that you’ve just spent most of your life working alongside social radicals, so pretty much all the artists you’ve encountered are gonna be liberal lefties.
There are plenty of right-wing, conservative artists, it’s just unlikely you’ve ever encountered them because you dont attend their sort of venues. They tend to be the sort of artists who stick to traditional mediums, subjects and techniques. They do exist.
Nerds = no social skills:
“social skills are learned behavior that allow people to achieve social reinforcement and to avoid social punishment.”
Maybe a ‘Dos and Donts’ is in order. That could be interesting.
nerds listen to WFMU. If you try and engage a nerd on a topic they are interested in (say, early electronic music) they will either make you feel like an idiot for your lack of knowledge or take a contrary position to everything you say for the sake of a lively discussion. this doesn’t exactly make friendship easy.
Thomas Kincade is probably pretty conservative, but as to whether he’s an artist or not…
4. why does everyone take it upon themselves to be such a total fucking know it all.
HEY LOSERS! HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO SOLVE THE PROBLEMS, WE DON’T WANT TO HEAR your OPINIONS. WE WANT FACTS AND YOU BETTER BELEAF IT
opinions don’t solve mysteries, facts murder them, eat them and shit them out into accepted truthes
truths
I don’t know if you guys have noticed yet, but the whole point of the comments section (on every site) is to make people feel like they are part of the program. You coming here = hits = ads. That was the idea behind having a forum on the other site. I don’t think having half a dozen psychos calling lauren whatever a stupid bitch ass slut whore for 20 hours a day ended up being too attractive to ad execs in the end though so they shut it down. This shit seems to work. Keep commenting. The world needs to know your opinions on artists, comedians, and nerds.
Gavin, your wearing that faggy ugly fred perry in the picture above does not help your case in making fun of nerds dress decisions.
totally. if you think about it, he’s a less than mediocre cartoonist (arguably an artist), an aspiring comedian with a mega-bummer of a bitter streak, and is obsessed with ranking, rating, and regulating things like a total nerd (and dresses like a dork). he clearly doesn’t know how to act around people, and (if you believe overhear shane smith at the bar these days) is totally shy and can barely make eye-contact unless he’s drunk a coked up. I guess since he’s married he has sex a lot, but… is anyone jealous?
I’d say mainstream metal heads, serious World of Warcraft players, ICP fans, major anime creeps and theatre geeks are the nerds of this generation. Also, all of these nerds have one thing is common — oversized leather jackets.
penises.
What about that uber nerd electrophysicist guy who used to regularly knock off early from the lab and hit the topless bars to sketch the women who worked there? He may be some sort of missing link or something.
Nerds don’t have enuff confidence to talk to people who arn’t nerds about things that are not nerd related. Among the brotherhood they are OK but going out to a bar makes the lonely puppy kick in so they follow you around and you can’t dance because they just mope on the side. or they get too drunk because you’re enjoying yourself and not paying attention to them, and are new to this drinking thing and have no idea when to pinch it off
are you doing this study because these are the only people that read this blog?
those don’t seem all that mysterious
Hey, this is cheating. You make us comment all weekend and then steal our ideas. Your solutions had better be different, or else!
all those half dozen psychos were me bea tea dubya
what fuck there is some weeeeeiiiiiiiirrrrrdddd commenting on here.
THIS is fucking crazy:
“…totally. if you think about it, he’s a less than mediocre cartoonist (arguably an artist), an aspiring comedian with a mega-bummer of a bitter streak, and is obsessed with ranking, rating, and regulating things like a total nerd (and dresses like a dork). he clearly doesn’t know how to act around people, and (if you believe overhear shane smith at the bar these days) is totally shy and can barely make eye-contact unless he’s drunk a coked up. I guess since he’s married he has sex a lot, but… is anyone jealous…”
why would anyone write this? you’re talking about the guy in the photo right?
who FFFFFFFUCKING CARES? doesnt know how to act around people? awkward? shy unless drunk & cok’d up? sounds like most people i know. jesus christ, you should have seen me on the weekend. i make myself sick.
THIS comment is good though:
I don’t know if you guys have noticed yet, but the whole point of the comments section (on every site) is to make people feel like they are part of the program. You coming here = hits = ads. That was the idea behind having a forum on the other site. I don’t think having half a dozen psychos calling lauren whatever a stupid bitch ass slut whore for 20 hours a day ended up being too attractive to ad execs in the end though so they shut it down. This shit seems to work. Keep commenting. The world needs to know your opinions on artists, comedians, and nerds.
thats pretty interesting.
this is the best site on the internet in terms of goodability etc. its regularly updated, it has a variety of opinions / contributers (none too boring or special) it has other stuff, and things. and its regularly updated as well.
also in terms of other mysteries to solve:
why some people dont like yogurt.
1.
Question needs one more word: Why are all (mediocre) artists liberal?
Same is true for comedians. There are tons of happy comedians. They are all worthless, and all live to be 94, the bastards.
2.
Truth is the funniest joke in the world.- Muhammad Ali
You can’t handle the truth!- Col. Nathan R. Jessep
3.
Hot kids have 1013 effortless ways of being cool. Freaks have two or three, depending on the social disfigurement. Discovering that unlikely shot, while walking the gauntlet of shuns and loserdom takes superhuman self-confidence, patience and luck. Most of them won’t make it to the ocean.
Being “sociable” is a euphemism for “behavior that is average to an acceptable extent”.
I thought it just meant talking to other dudes.
Shane is just bitter because the lifeblood of vice left him and the TM loser and the teetotal guy who loves bloc party alone to fend for themselves.. all of the best vice contributors and the inspiration for starting the mag in the first place are now writing for street boners. although I don’t pick up vice anymore I was bored the other day so I read my baby brother’s copy of the Clown Issue (as bad as it sounds – boring interviews with 5 new york clowns) and checked out the masthead.. somehow Gavin is no longer a “founder”. how can you no longer be a founder, it’s a past tense title.. ooh we’re taking you off the founder list even though it was your writing that people kept coming back again and again to read.. and your famous friends that helped build up the profile. the fact they kept the Do’s and Don’ts going is particularly disgraceful.. they are so obnoxiously unfunny now… can’t believe the wack pack had the gall to think that someone else could do em. Vice is less transgressive than a copy of Seventeen from 1990 and a fifth as funny.. hope it dies soon cos it’s an embarrassment
can it be that it was all so simple then
Shane Smith. Powerhouse of a creative talent. He’s the one who looks like a chubby Eric Clapton, right?
Are you fucking retarded? The whole old-vice/new-vice thing is the same old WWF/rapper move that suckas fall for every time. Vice had run its course and it was time to cash in and sell it to some gaylords. Then (surprise) Gavin gets kicked out of his gang and starts his own one. Totally regained Vice’s lost credibility (although its weird seeing 40 year olds talking with kids about speed and buttsex). Anyway, that’s the oldest business rule there is: when you can’t grow your company anymore, you multiply it by two.
Nonetheless, his anti-friend Shane is talking some excessively harsh shit. Since they’ve had an almost gay relationship for decades, you’d figure he knows what he’s talking about (even if he is bitter).
AND, since this comment’s section is about clothes, at least this Shane guy is aging well unlike Mcinnes who’s the aging clown he’s always made fun of.
He looks like a cross between Kevin Smith and Ray Winstone. But I mean, he’s 40 so who cares? He also talks kind of like a gay guy and has multiple homosexual mannerisms.
I was never clear on what Shane contributed, the first I saw him speak he was running around Cherrynobyl with some kraut broad.. he was always the “silent” partner wasn’t he. I’m asking, I have no clue. wasn’t he also notable for being “the other one who did drugs”. these days he comes across a bit like a Gen X Mother Teresa/Geraldo mixed with a wee dram of Jeremy Piven style sanctimony with a dash of Znaimer aspiring media mogul VISIONARY. well the mag is still great for rolling joints and smushing up crystals on
lets talk about shane
how boat I tawk aboat ya mudda ya filtee piccaninnie
Nerds don’t need social skills because they have no libido.
that’s the dumbest line I’ve read in 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 20 hours, 7 minutes and 19 seconds. nerds have normal libidos.. it just only gets actualised via A-DULT ENTERTAINMENT
and other nerds
I suspect that nerds have larger-than-average libidos. I’m talking about full-on Mongolian Idiot tard-rage libidos, which makes life that much more tragically frustrating for them.
[...] half a dozen one-hitters and some very pruney fingers later, my superbrain appears to have cracked the three mysteries. By the way, I had a heavy shit epiphany while in that bath and it has absolutely nothing to do [...]