The other day, I was stuck at my friend’s miserable birthday party here in Brooklyn. I was sitting on this grimy, (probably) bed bug-ridden couch between these two super-beautiful, super-dumb girls. Their outfits pretty much looked like visual representations of the average New Yorker’s monthly rent payment.
The other day, I was stuck at my friend’s miserable birthday party here in Brooklyn. I was sitting on this grimy, (probably) bed bug-ridden couch between these two super-beautiful, super-dumb girls. Their outfits pretty much looked like visual representations of the average New Yorker’s monthly rent payment. And they were so, so drunk. After spending twenty minutes scrambling to keep up the constant chatter of I-can’t –believe-LiLo-is-going-to-rehab (OMFG!) and who-went-home-with-who-last-night, we (finally) somehow got on the topic of the ideal man.
“Joseph Stalin,” I said, jokingly. “I like a man who knows what he wants. Kim Jong Il is a cutie, too.”
“Who are they?” the first one asked.
“Um, I think they’re like, the kings of Africa?” the other one said. “ Well, whatever. I’m so into Michael Cera right now.”
“Ohmygod! Me too!” responded the first girl.
I wanted to die.
“Really?” I asked, without pausing to consider the fact that my indignation wouldn’t register with these really pretty (and really inebriated) creatures.
“Um, yeah,” said the second fashion-girl. “He’s so cuuuute. Michael Cera is like, smart.”
“Yeah!” the first one piped up. “And he’s so awkward. I love it. I would so do Michael Cera.”
I went outside for a cigarette. And I got to thinking: what is my type? I mean, it’s obviously not Joey Stalin. Or Kimmy Il. In fact, I didn’t know what or who it was. All I knew is that it certainly wasn’t Michael Cera.
Let me tell you something: Michael Cera will single-handedly destroy the romantic expectations of young girls and impressionable women in America. He will destroy them not because of unrealistic expectations; awkwardly cute dorks aren’t hard to come by. Michael Cera is pretty much the epitome of everything masculinity supposedly eschews. These days, Michael Cera is the poster boy of what a good boyfriend looks like; basically, Cera is now somehow the poster boy of teenage heart throbs in American culture.
At least for people with vaginas.
I can’t really speak on if that’s a good or a bad thing, because I don’t have a penis. I can, however, state that it is terrible for girls.
Michael Cera, the actor, is certainly adorable. He’s made a name for himself as the John Cusack of Gen Y in sorta-kinda offbeat, maybe-a-little oddball romantic comedies like Juno and Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. Cera always plays this awkward-witty hipsteresque romantic protagonist. Over and over. And girls fall for it every time, from Ellen Page, to Kat Dennings, to your fourteen-year-old cousin.
I hate to say this, but I fell for it once. I fell for it with a dude who could feasibly pass himself off as the Latino Michael Cera. Oh, how he loved Kurt Vonnegut, and his two little cats. Yes, El Michael Cera was so awkward and dorky and self-deprecating. He was pretty cute, too. You’d think his level of neuroticism would fend off anything in ripped tights; at least be a warning sign for large amounts of emotional baggage ahead.
Nope.
Not for me, and not for every other girl in the neighborhood. El Michael Cera had fucked nearly all of my girlfriends (and their friends, and their co-workers) either previous to our relationship, or during. He literally charmed the leggings off anything with he came into contact with his geeky, pigeon-toed demeanor. And of course, every girl he stuck his penis into was totally into it, because he was “just so cute and talked the entire time and made jokes while we made out!”
He got away with this bullshit every time; because he was essentially appealing to every girl who wanted her own Michael Cera.
El Michael Cera, in retrospect, was a fucking nightmare. Now, due to the fact that was really weird to everyone in his hometown, he had a complex that everyone thought he was crazy. His dad was an asshole, he definitely had an eating disorder, and I think he slept maybe two times a week. Yeah, that shit did not qualify as cute back in Indiana.
But here in Brooklyn, where bitches think that Michael Cera awkwardness is attractive, he could easily bring home anything with a pulse and a nice rack. Therefore, he knew to up the nerd factor to bring home the bacon- and he always did. He knew girls wanted their own awkward-witty romantic hipster protagonist, and he could play it for a little bit (a lot) of pussy.
My cousin Steve says, “the only reason boys like Michael Cera are bad for girls is because they’re emotional wrecks and will ultimately stick you down in a codependent, emotionally draining relationship in which you’re burdened with all of their baggage and are left completely sexually unsatisfied.”
Steve’s totally right. Guys like Michael Cera, the ones in real life, have huge complexes about being weirdoes and picked on when they were kids. But instead of trying to ditch the baggage, they hold onto it to get pussy. Oh, those poor girls.
I came back to the couch after the cigarette. Somehow, in fifteen minutes, these girls had gotten even more drunk.
“Ohmygod, she’s back,” the first one said. I crouched down to their level.
“Hey girrrrrl,” the other one said to my elbow.
“What are you guys talking about?“ I asked.
“Oh, just this guy she’s hooking up with,” the other one said. “He kind of sucks, but he’s really cute.”
“Yeah!” the first one squealed. “He’s just like Michael Cera.”
-AUDREY JAPBURN
omg like my period just totes dropped!
The best thing about this article is your surname Jap(seye)burn. Can’t Luke O’Neil just write every article ?
Says the broad who signs off every article with a self reference to being a Jewish American Princess. It sounds like you’re self loathing… you know those girls you described fit the bill as well. Jewish (money) American (white) Princesses (stupid, spoiled)
I promise you this article will attract more Michael Cera-esque guys to NYC. No need to ditch emotional baggage from being a teen dork AND you get tons of pussy for at one time being a teen dork.
Isn’t a woman basically a paedophile when she replaces having a baby with having a boyfriend that’s a baby?
I’m pretty sure this is just a Chuck Klosterman rip off… he said the EXACT SAME THING ABOUT JOHN CUSACK.
this is bullshit. girls like to THINK they want a Mike Cera-type guy, but that shit only flies for about two weeks. What happens when you and your pussy-ass bf are out at a bar and a strange man grabs your ass? Captain faggot gonna get in his face? not. gonna. happen.
girls will fuck a dude like Cera, but ultimately, as a mate, they’ll choose a man, not a 14 year old facsimile of one.
I also have to call bullshit on this post. Brooklyn is not the center of the universe. It’s great that you’re helping to gentrify a neighborhood and all, but step out of your brooklyn-is-the-bomb box for a minute and realize that 20 minutes away from you, there is a whole universe of people that think skinny jeans, ironic mullets, and screechy indie rock are for lame-ohs who live in brooklyn.
pretentious nightmare.
big ugly girls think too much.
rather fuck dumb ones.
Chicks say they like white nerds because that’s the only acceptable kind of white guy to like these days.
But get them drunk and give them a choice between Michael Cera and Mel Gibson, and we know who they’ll be stuffin’ the Torah with.
who wants a chick that wants a michael cera?
this is all true. so fucking true. i dated the dorkiest, ugliest, limped-dickiest guy for 2 years. his baggage, coupled with his hapless demeanor, served as his ticket to ride. i still shake my head about it, 5 years later.
I can almost guarantee that this didn’t happen
A lot of chicks like Michael Cera type guys because they are obsessed with control. Cera looks and acts like the type of guy who you can push around and fuck over and he’ll still come back to you. A lot of indie-type girls are such passive-aggressive power-freaks that they basically insist on dating the most non-threatening of guys- the Cera motif. It never pans out and he’s always the type to do sketchy vengeful shit when the girl breaks up with him (read: cheats on him because “i’m just not into the relationship anymore, so it’s not really cheating lol”).
Stop hating.
Michelle Cera is a hot chick!
Anybody else wish that Micheal Cera would just die already? Show of hands, please.
ugh reading this was painful. This was really obnoxious.
womp womp. the problem with MC types is girls think they’re throwing them a bone by dating them, and the MC types will be soo grateful that they will treat them like a princess blah blah.
WRONG! His exes were all hot and to him, you’re just aight looking. Hot girls don’t realize that they’re doing a disservice to other girls by dating these types. Having these niggas expectations set waaaay too high …
“the only reason boys like Michael Cera are bad for girls is because they’re emotional wrecks and will ultimately stick you down in a codependent, emotionally draining relationship in which you’re burdened with all of their baggage and are left completely sexually unsatisfied.”
Yeah. These guys get cheated on all the time and they probably can’t ever figure out why.
dangit.
This was pretty good, but, you couldve gone super deep and pulled in a few other references. This read like the opening to your argument and not the full round nut itself.
drippy dog’s haiku kind of nailed it
Michael Cera types are easy enough to get, as long as you don’t point out their cracker ass in front of anyone.
I hear Michael Cera is a TOTAL fucking wigger in real life,
says “yo” at the beggining AND end of every sentence.
I know a black Michael Cera type who’s a bad ass fighter and he makes good money. I hate him.
Girls may say they want George Michael but they really want Steve Holt.
Steve Holt!
I think michael cera is cute and all in a little boy sort of way but I don’t think he’s the ideal dude. He kind of looks like a turtle and his eyes are close together. I like the cheesy brooklyn dudes with nerd glasses and sweet tats. Fuck that michael cera worship. Even today he said he’s afraid of women and sluts and women who want to blow him. the anti michael cera is what the ladies love.
maybe he’ll end up all tweaked out like John Cusack. Will he still be hot then like John Cusack? Maybe he’ll make shittier movies for the 30+ crowd and be hot like tweaked out john cusack. Oh wait, lloyd dobler is only cute when your stuck in 1987. now he’s just a tweaked out old dude.
Micheal Cera is a lesbian.
It’s fairly easy to pretend he’s a dyke in his movies with his voice being higher than ellen page and kat dennings.
anyways, the only girls that will stay with michael cera types longer than a few weeks are control freaks and like having a guy there they can walk all over, cheat on, and know he’ll still be there for them.
i dated guy like michael cera in HS he was a cover-up for the street punk guy my hated because she she thought he was dirty and a bad influence.
I second you, b. “I think they’re like, the kings of Africa? Well whatever, I’m soooo into Michael Cera right now.”
Yeah, calling bullshit on this entire anecdote. It sounds like something I would have fictionalized in 9th grade to show everyone how superior I was to “regular girls,” and passed it off as factual.
Yeah, that story was made up.
only made it to “I wanted to die” before getting bored and quitting, but was clearly made up. I’d bet my muscles they didn’t say anything about a king of africa. Piss poor embellishment.
this type of guy broke my heart 3 times – i had the physics, dj and journalist version of it. and i always almost raped them, bc i thought they just needed a push and then their whole awkward, shy facade would vanish. i thought theyd be more open after some time. i was pretty wrong and they just ditched me feeling overwhelmed. but those fuckers still give me puppy-eyes-i-regret-silence when around me. i hate this cera type, i dont understand how they work and they always made me feel dumb and ugly. they cant get their act together and i had to pay for it.
@Loozer Boozer: ‘Ironic mullets’? Where the fuck gave you been? It’s 2010 not ’02.
Maybe you also dislike that trendy David Beckham faux hawk? Those hipsters look so ridiculous, I know.
Fuck off, jock/meathead.
zooey gets by on the same ticket
i got lucky because my first boyfriend had the good parts of michael cera (witty, kind, polite) but had balls, was a perv and knew how to party and be charming. yeah cera is better than those jock guys cause hes funny but they suck! i thought shy, whiny people got left alone in the big city.
Women like the ones you described in this article make me want to punch more holes in the door downstairs. “King of Africa.” Fuckin fucked fuck.
Additionally: a friend said all the roles Michael Cera plays in movies “are” me; “Except less passive aggressive”. I took offense to this.
I have a soft spot for the michael cera type. They’re just so sweet looking.
I’m thinking women pretty want whatever they don’t have.
Loved the Haiku above.
was also fun patting out the syllables on my chest as i read it to make sure it was nailed down