This shit is so boring I think I’m going to kill myself. Sure it’s fun seeing yourself on a big screen and hearing people laugh but that’s 10 minutes. The rest is a sea of suffering.

This shit is so boring I think I’m going to kill myself. Sure it’s fun seeing yourself on a big screen and hearing people laugh but that’s 10 minutes. The rest is a sea of suffering. Every film (in our category) has to have crazy close ups and slow-mo shots and haunting music and little boys looking innocent in the face of danger. There’s also the erotic art film about HIV positive gay blacks making love to each other without condoms. Not sure why that one was in the Shorts section because it appears to be about 300 hours long. Jesus.

Here’s some highlights so far (don’t get your hopes up)…

When I got there, the children who made the movie had accidentally locked themselves out while smoking a joint. They had been freezing their asses off for 45 minutes waiting for me to get there from the airport. I asked them why they didn’t scream for help and they said they did. Bullshit.
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Our movie shines like a diamond in a mountain of shit. Of course, this is a highlight for me not you so…
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Look at this fucking LOSER. When you leave New York you’re introduced to levels of loser you previously didn’t think were possible. What are you supposed to do, go up to him and ask him to take off his headphones and then ask to see a script? Fuck you.
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This was the best part of the trip so far: When I got on the plane I overheard a very drunk CHIEF saying to his Israeli tourist neighbors. “I was just trying to be nice. Sorry!” Then he put his head back, clutched his New York Times and said to the top of the plane: “I was just trying to tell you what a wonderful place Utah is. My God.”

After he fell asleep he started stirring and making some weird mumbling noises. Then he said the following…
“Huuuah!”
“Pretty fair.”
“Fair enough.”
“Oh well, whaddya do? We tried buddy.”

These are his fucking dreams by the way. He’s not wrestling snakes or riding a whale to an orgy. He’s on a conference call with an agent discussing his fledgling career.

“Don’t worry about it, asshole.”
“Motherfucker, I will destroy you.”
“Fuck.”
“Bitch.”
“Aaaah!”
“He makes a good point.”
“Jerkass crackers.”
“OW! MY NOSE HURTS!”

This one was so loud, the stewardess came by to ask him if he was OK. He had no clue what she was talking about. After she left, he turned to his neighbors and said, “What happened to you guys? Aaah, whatever. I feel pain for all you people.”
Then he put his head back and went back to sleep. This led to quotes like…

“My mistake. Aaaaah!”
“Mother!”
“Fuck it. That’s ridiculous. How does that happen to you?”
“Oh we’re so close. So close. So close… WHO CARES!?”

Here he is at baggage claim 6 hours after his drunken ranting. He has no idea what he did. I wonder how many of us have had episodes like that we don’t even remember.

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