Sundance is a movie festival that takes place at the bottom of a ski hill. It was invented by Robert Redford as a way to promote his daughter’s career. Every movie at the festival promotes rape, racism, and /or making fun of retards. The only exception to this rule is a film Crispin Glover did with GG Allin called The Secret of the Traveling Ya Ya Sisterhood Pants.

Sundance is a movie festival that takes place at the bottom of a ski hill. It was invented by Robert Redford as a way to promote his daughter’s career. Every movie at the festival promotes rape, racism, and / or making fun of retards. The only exception to this rule is a film Crispin Glover did with GG Allin called The Secret of the Traveling Ya Ya Sisterhood Pants. Here’s what my camera had to say about the trip…

Check it out motherfuckers. One briefcase is all she wrote. That’s one tiny leather bag for: 4 Totally for Teens DVDs, 5 Rich Tradition of Magic DVDs (with full cases), MacBook Pro with power cord, 3 prs socks, 3 prs underwear, 3 tees, 3 magazines, a book, a sweatshirt (yes, a sweatshirt), deodorant, toothpaste, and a handgun.
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I thought I brought a small enough amount to get through customs but they said no so I had to chug it on line. After a few swigs I pointed out that the fluid couldn’t possibly be bomb stuff because I just drank it. They were like, “Oh no you did’ihn’.”.
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Not a lot of options if you don’t jerk off thinking about Barack Obama all day.
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When you see a pretty girl with a jacket that looks like it was designed by a child, you are probably looking at a foreigner.
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Speaking of foreigners, how about this ensemble? She puts on her sweater on and some gloves AND THEN sticks a sleeveless blouse on top. She looks like she works at a cold drive thru.
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Once we got there we were whisked away to all the red carpet events and got to hang in all the VIP tents with some of the most exciting people in the industry.
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This guy won the award for Most Jewish Hair.
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Had to watch this thing about 100 times. Sounds like a pretty fun event eh? Someone threw spaghetti at a guy, someone forgot to bring the movie and motherfucking Morgan Spurlock met the guy from Napoleon Dynamite!
PS What the fuck is an “Indian-loving celebrity”? Parker Posey went to that guy’s house because she has a fetish for curry? What?
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If you don’t tear out of the theater after the movie, you have to sit there and ask us questions for about 100 years. These poor bastards didn’t escape in time.
PS A lot of people asked about money. Ours was $1,500. Most of the other shorts were around 10k. The people who got grants seemed to make the most self indulgent films.
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Here’s a wee movie the Last Pictures kids made about the festival. You’ve already seen most of it but check out the part in the intro montage where Cuba Gooding Jr. is humping a girl. It was at a T.I. concert where people paid $200 to see him and Lil’ Wayne. Of course, Wayne didn’t show so they just got Cuba Gooding Jr and Tom Arnold to jump around on stage. Same diff.
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Here’s an interview with the filmmakers. They’re like the Old Skull of the film world.
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We tried a new thing the kids are doing called Snow Skateboarding. It’s kind of like surfing but with more chicks begging to blow you.
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It hurts to fall on your ass when your ass has been burnt off.
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I wonder if this guy knows the Telletubby he’s dressed up as is a slope.
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This is where I buried his body.
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You have to be careful when ordering beer in Utah. The majority of it is 3.2%. If you want a buzz you need to go “full strength.”
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Or you can drink nothing but hard liquor and pass out every night by 9PM.
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Everywhere you looked there were more breathtakingly gorgeous celebrities.
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It became almost too much to bear.
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Even the Toxic Avenger was there.
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And Perez Hilton.
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And Princess Leia (oooh, that’s going to be good for hits).
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The chick from Hole snuck me her Thai leftovers but we got caught and 86′d on the spot. They needed to make sure I wouldn’t come back so the bouncer drew this on my hand. I tried to tell him “an X on your hand means you’re in command” but he didn’t understand. (Seriously though, he did put that X on my hand to mean a permanent ban. Have you ever heard of anything so babyish in your life?)
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These are the kids I did Asshole with. The other Street Carnage Film was Sanza Hanza. We’ll get to that in a bit.
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The kids had never seen TV Carnage before. What a joy it is de-flowering a youngster with one of these. “God is a blankity blank fag” became the mantra of the whole festival.
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Kids who go to NYU film school pay about 60k a year. Even if their parents are loaded, that is still a fuckload of money. As one mom put it, “I’m essentially driving a Porsche off a cliff every year.” And it’s not like they get anything out of it. The school makes them do archaic bullshit like shoot in 16mm when they can just use an HVX camera with a 35mm adapter for a tenth of the price. So, they’re paying all this money to learn how to waste money. Nice. So anways, NYU has a party and these kids have to sneak in even though they go there and this is the fucking gift bag.
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You give them a quarter of a million dollars and they give you a sandwich bag containing: a broken countdown machine (you type, say, 35, hit start, and it counts down to 0. Handy eh?), some “Girl With the Pearl Earring” chapstick, some fake pearl earrings, and a light for your keychain. Fuck did I laugh when I saw this.
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Meanwhile Sundance gets Timberland to give every director: boots, gloves, and a jacket. At the end of the day I can’t really shit on the festival. Sure there’s sketchy shit where people pay to be in the festival but that doesn’t count as Payola because those movies aren’t eligible for awards. And the kids I was there with loved their gay little special brunches where Robert Redford comes out and tells funny anecdotes. All that for a measly entry fee of $50. I ain’t mad at Sundance.
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This was at the Gen Art party which was so hard to get into, nobody went.
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Jamie and Nadia showed up on Sunday for Sanza Hanza. Jamie went to get a haircut recently and Nadia convinced him to leave some on the top which ends up making him look like a really cool gay guy. You know, the ones who don’t talk with a lisp and are normal except for the part where they shop a lot and suck cocks?
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Nadia was shitting bricks before her movie went on because there was all kinds of fancy Michael Moore people there but Jamie and I were cool as cucumbers because we knew it would slay. And it did.
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I bought this while drunk shopping and forgot it was in my bag until after I got off the plane. The moral? You can’t bring whiskey on the plane even if you prove it’s whiskey but knives are no problem as long as they’re cave knives.
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I also bought this apparently.

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1. SUNDANCE SO FAR
2. STREET CARNAGE FILMS AT SUNDANCE +
3. STREET CARNAGE FILMS AT SUNDANCE
4. PICTURES OF MY TV
5. MORE PICTURES OF MY TV