Once upon a time, a woman was tired of being treated like shit by guys that drank a lot of beer and generally just didn’t give a fuck. She eventually stopped dating them and told her best friend that all she really wanted was a guy who was “in touch with his emotions.”
Once upon a time, a woman was tired of being treated like shit by guys that drank a lot of beer and generally just didn’t give a fuck. She eventually stopped dating them and told her best friend that all she really wanted was a guy who was “in touch with his emotions.” Her best friend told five of her best friends and they told five of their best friends and so on and so on, ’til eventually this stupid urban myth about men who act like women being a good thing took over the world. It’s bullshit of course, but smart women and gullible men lapped it up. Here’s what real men (and there’s nothing women love more than a REAL MAN) like doing:
HAVE SEX WITH YOU ON THE FIRST DATE
It’s pretty hard to type this without pumping my fist and shouting “fuck yeah,” but this is almost as satisfying as watching porn with two black girls with big butts putting stuff like dildos into said butts while making lots of loud noises similar to pigs squealing while saying things like “motherfucker, your ass is mine” — which if you’re anything like me, is pretty darn satisfying. Men love to fuck on the first date because it confirms that their jokes are funny and that every woman they talk to wants to sleep with them. Women love it because it means their daddy always loved them and still does.
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CUM ON YOUR FACE
Having intercourse with you and cummin’ inside your vagina (oops, I mean “inside a condom!”) is fun and all, but I prefer seeing my sperm slowly ooze down your forehead, across your nose, and eventually into your mouth. It means my heart is pure and my will is strong, or something. Or maybe I could cum on your tits and you could shake ‘em so it looks like some kind of jiggly sperm roller coaster type thing. That would be pretty cool, too.
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CHEAT ON YOU AND WATCH WHILE YOU TRY TO BEAT UP “THAT BITCH”
You love me so much that when I got your cousin pregnant and paid for her to have an abortion, you got mad at her for trying to take what’s yours. You hit her in the stomach so hard that I could have just skipped the abortion and bought a PS3. Dead baby stole my video-game money!
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MAKE YOU GET A BOOB JOB
Saggy tits suck. Having one tit that’s bigger than the other tit sucks. Itty-bitty titties that look like prunes suck. Go get ‘em fixed. You’ll feel more confident and every time I look at them I’ll see two bags that confirm you love me. It makes that sperm roller coaster thing more pleasing too.
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MAKE YOU STAB SOMEONE
This dude at my job gets on my fucking nerves. He went and told my boss that I’m always the phone making “non-work-related calls.” What a snitch-loser-pussy. I hope someone stabs him. When Muslims showcase their unified devotion for a common cause, it’s called “Jihad.” This isn’t a holy war, but making my chick ride for me with a kitchen knife and the passion of an Allah-crazed Muslim gives me a killer (zing!) anecdote. What ’til the guys hear about this!
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Ouch. Boorish, even for a beer-guzzling, cum-dumping, scarred-up, bull-dicked man like myself.
This wasn’t funny, but i really wanted it to be
is this a joke topic?
You forgot “Grab you really hard by the arm when you get mouthy” and “Break up with you, fuck all of your friends, and then get back together with you.”
this could have been way better. Sexy Drew should take a stab (pun intended) at it.
you couldn’t get a smaller picture with less pixels of a girl with cum on her face? zits and fake tits, you serious? can’t tell if you’re taking a piss
i don’t really agree with a lot of this but the best moment ever would have to be taking a shit while getting head while eating a sandwich while watching football while listening to music in the shade on a summer day while on shrooms.
Donald Suck
…but then I went on his website, and it made sense. Crunk is a twelve year old girl.
fail
just straight shitty.
WELL IT LOOKS LIKE THE NYC LIB’S HAVE ENVADED THIS WEB SIGHT AGAIN, WHICH REALLY IS ONE OF LAST BASCHEN’S OF TRUE MAN=HOOD IN AMERICA, SO WHY DO’NT YOU GIRLIE-MEN [LOL] JUST GO BACK TO YOU’RE REFORMING HEALTH CARE AND LET US THE REAL MEN IMAGINE A WROLD WIHTOUT OBAMA OK???
WELL ANYWAY I NEED TO GO BACK TO PROTECTING MY GRAND-MA FROM THE DEATH PANEL ORGAN THEIVER’S, I DO’NT KNOW WHEN THEIR COMING BUT REST AND SURE, THEY WELL COMEING
@freds, I believe what you are referencing is called a “blumpkin”!!!
dude. i can’t read this
Yeah this whole post was like a comedy boner-kill…
<mediocre
LOL @ THE BITCH FROM MY HOMESTATE
I enjoyed the “Dead baby stole my video-game money!” bit
I agree with the premise, men should act like men, but shit the execution was really bad. Gavin should get rid of some of these scrubs ass ‘writers’. This isn’t funny, interesting or even original.
Dude, I totally finally found a chick that lets me cum on her face. She smiles and kind of giggles while I’m jerking it over her grill but then gets all intense and serious when I’m about to cum And I’m the first guy she’s let do this to her (I know. Yeah Right, but at least she wants me to believe this.) I’m going to ,arry her and give her babies. Next up, RIM JOBS!
Why do so many posters just try to imitate Gavin MacK? His own impression of himself is normally pretty naff, this is just pitiful.
sucky
Well I thought this was pretty great! Hoo-Ha!
im not really sure what reaction this was supposed to um… incite? Laughter? Did the poster expect angry feminist screeds of some sort? Did the poster want us to feel disappointment, because his dad died recently and it comforts him to know that some where, out there, somebody still feels embarrassed for him, just like pa used to? Perhaps we’ll never know. But ANYWAY, is Breaking Bad any good?
Fake boobs suck as much as this article did, which is a lot.
If i wanted to grab something that felt like my tensed up calf muscle i would flex my calf muscle.
I think this is sorta like that parody issue of vice.. ie writing so bad just to get a reaction, and I think it worked – but if it wasnt meant to suck that bad on purpose, then, wow, just wow..
What till my next post, dickwads!
’5 reasons why myspace is Lame’
*wait.
Jeeeeez
the fact taht you keep typing “what” when you mean “wait” is funnier than this entire post + comments.
This one was weird, like the asian dadmom with the sleeve on streetboners a few days ago.
yeah. you suck dude.
hahahahaha fuck yeah! im partial to cumming on tits though i dont know why
All I do is bomb splash chicks’ faces.
too boring to hold interest. need to get into fetish stuff next time.
Fake boobs suck as much as this article did, which is a lot.
If i wanted to grab something that felt like my tensed up calf muscle i would flex my calf muscle.
i concur. this is garbage.
i’m pretty sure real men don’t take advice from the internet, but hey what do i know?
this might impress some 20 year old girls with glasses if you pasted it on your okcupid blog… maybe
What you non-writers are forgetting is that 89% of this post is probably ‘non-fiction’.
And in my book that makes everything OK
Donald, give it a rest. No one liked this list-icle. Most disliked it. If you had any sense you would just keep your mouth shut and try again, but I would post under a different name. Yeah it was that shitty.
I thought this would be funny, too.
It was mildly amusing.
THE FUNNY PART IS THIS DIP SHIT IS DEFENDING HIS WRITING.
lol@but
Yeah right! This was tiiiiiight.
Is that Alex Divine in the cumshot picture? I can’t decide whether it’s an unusually good or an unusually bad picture of her.
let me just say a few things here: to the people who run boner jammers and facial-shit-hairs (thats what this is called, right?), do yourselves a favor and retire anything that is as bad as what you published here.
yeah yeah yeah, youre fucking punk-rock. so punk-rock in your loft with the baby and kids; so punk rock with the wifey and her coy fish tatty. i get it, youre edgy, youre punk-rock. but that is not the same thing as lame. and this installment, as much as you would like it to be funny in an ironic, sexism-is-so-ridiculous-that-it-is-the-actual-joke type of way, simply falls down in a heap of bitterness, sexism, and well, awful writing.
i enjoy irony, and i enjoy bad writing when its intentional, but a meager attempt at either leaves a potentially fun, and potentially subversive blog, being another waste of internet space that is loudly crying out how truly quiet it should be kept.
this sucked, and SC sucks for putting it up. if you are in need of material, just wait for something decent.
fuck off the lot of yous… this is funny
I love black lesbian porn!