Tweeting about how hot your shower was or how sleepy you get on the subway is so dull it’s weird but using the software for disseminating witty brain farts is what technology is all about. BlogNigger is good and Dan Harmon is a joy but when it comes to quips, the two world champions seem to be us and Jim Goad.

Tweeting about how hot your shower was or how sleepy you get on the subway is so dull it’s weird but using the software for disseminating witty brain farts is what technology is all about. BlogNigger is good and Dan Harmon is a joy but when it comes to quips, the two world champions seem to be us and Jim Goad. After going on a drunken rampage of “Boy are my arms tired” jokes last night, we thought today would be a good day to throw down the gauntlet and ask who’s the best. Here’s our top 31 from recent tweets (note only about 80% of these are written by me, the rest I steal, Jim Goad does 100% of his).

THE STREET CARNAGE TWEETS
Arms Tired Jokes
1- I just flew back from a Transformers convention and boy are my arms tires.

2- Ziggy Marley just flew back from his mansion in Jamaica and boy are his alarms wired.

3- I just flew back from watching “Withnail & I” and boy… I know you’re awake boy.

4- I just flew back from Mardi Gras and boy are my tits tired.

5- The Pick Up Artist just flew back from quicksand and boy were his charms mired.

6- Barack just flew back from Iraq and boy are his armies tired.

7- I just flew back from a Spaghetti-O’s convention and boy-r-dees arms tired.

8- I just flew back from a pedophile’s fisting convention and boys are my arms’ attire.

9- A 65 year-old arm wrestler just flew back from his last match and boy are his arms retired.

10- I just flew back from a Nazi rally and boy is my arm tired.

11- I just flew back from a tattoo convention and boy am I tired of my arms.

Other Recent SC Wit
12- As a cop I’ve seen things that would make you crap a book on how to puke.

13- Jews don’t run Hollywood. Gay Jews run Hollywood.

14- Sometimes I get so wasted I become bulimic.

15- I’m not worried about Swayze’s illness. Last time he died he solved his own murder AND donated a million dollars to charity

16- You’re such a piece of shit, toilets drool when you walk by.

17- Yo mamma’s so old she farts cobwebs.

18- Men settle down when nobody wants them. Women settle down when somebody wants them.

19- The only way to whip up some pussy when you’re married is to allow yourself to be pussy whipped.

20- What did Darth Vader say to his son the second time they fought? “Cool hand, Luke.”

21- That bitch’s pussy is an elephant’s graveyard for cocks.

22- If the Fonz smells what I just did to his office, he is never going to say “Sit on it” ever again.

23- It’s good to have gays around to tell you when your fly is down.

24- TM motherfucking I still counts as an abbreviation because it’s two characters less than “too much information.”

25- I’m not gay but I am an asshole who hangs out with a lot if dicks.

26- Stepping on a crack will break your momma’s back if it’s her crack.

27- Guys who don’t eat pussy shouldn’t eat pussy because cannibalism is wrong.

28- Dog the Bounty Hunter looks like a hangover.

29- You CAN get pregnant from 69ing IF he has cum in his mouth.

30- Putting Acme Medicated Gold Bond on your ass feels like getting fistfucked by mints.

31- “Rachel Getting Married” is so Park Slope it makes me want to buy a nuclear weapon.

THE JIM GOAD TWEETS
1- I’ve yet to see a rapper named Li’l Dick.

2- We hear about prejudice, but what about postjudice? What if you don’t like a group of people because you’ve spent too much time around them?

3- Do ants get horny? They copulate, but does a male ant ever look at a female ant and think, “I want to bang the living ant shit out of her”?

4- Is there oral sex in the Islamic world? Does it taste like hummus?

5- If asking a stranger to smell your ass is a sex crime, why hasn’t public flatulence been criminalized? Most times, they don’t even ask!

6- Black men can be such great orators, yet they refuse to perform oral sex.

7- Does it make me a racist to believe white liberals are the House Negroes of the New World Order? If so, which part?

8- In meditative moments listening to my iPod on the train, I wonder what’s the largest item anyone’s ever stuck up their ass.

9- I would have made a great District Attorney if I wasn’t such a felon.

10- What IS a “neo-Nazi,” anyway? Is that anything like New Coke?

11- Did EVERY male model who posed for paintings and sculptures from ancient Greece through the Renaissance suffer from micropenis?

12- Why can judges force 13-year-olds to undergo chemo, but they can’t force them to read and shut up on the subway?

13- Steven Spielberg is filming an MLK biopic. I had a dream I stood on a mountaintop and puked.

14- Parental Chinese Water Torture: Getting Disney songs stuck in your head.

15- Channel-surfed past “The Sound of Music.” Had trouble believing anyone fucked Julie Andrews enough times to give her that many children.

16- Has there ever been a porno made with humans and dinosaurs? I don’t mean some cheesy fake-ass special-effects job, but the real thing?

17- Environmentalists are shortsighted. What are you going to do with the turtles and the whales once you save them? Watch TV?

18- If there’s a more repellent synonym for “vagina” than “womb,” don’t tell me what it is, or I’ll shove you back up inside your mother.

19- Why the fuck was Humpty Dumpty sitting on a wall if he had an eggshell body? That’s what psychologists call “risk-taking behavior.”

21- The cool thing about white people who think white people shouldn’t breed is that they don’t breed.

22- Sports-team names should reflect their city of origin. I’d buy tickets to see the Philadelphia Assholes play the Portland Guilty Whites.

23- Knowing that we’re all ex-sperm, it’s hard to take anyone seriously.

24- “Fag” is a funny word because fags are funny. Following the same logic, “dyke” is an ugly word.

25- Any guy who gets aroused at the sight of two women kissing is a homo.

26- Except for the future, history is the biggest asshole of them all.

27- In third grade, a nun told me the problem with America’s youth was that they listened to “those Simon & Garfunkel records.” She was right.

28- I like the Somali pirates. You don’t normally see black people get that much into boating.

29- I’d be pro-life if I believed people deserved to live, and I’d be pro-choice if I believed people were able to make decisions.

30- Allow me to paint a picture in the softest, most muted hues possible: I don’t have the world’s most efficient digestive system.

31- I’m a big fan of TV drug-ad disclaimers. After stroke, cancer, and rectal bleeding, you still don’t know the pill’s name or what it treats.

That’s it. Now it’s up to you to decide who you want to follow because Twitter only allows you to follow one person. Good luck!

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