It’s funny, but you don’t really realize what a pervert you’ve become until you bring home a date only to find her scouring through your internet search history while you’re grabbing a bottle of red wine from the kitchen.

It’s funny, but you don’t really realize what a pervert you’ve become until you bring home a date only to find her scouring through your internet search history while you’re grabbing a bottle of red wine from the kitchen. I think the pretense of sophistication I was trying to exude throughout the night was slightly compromised by her knowing that I had recently run searches for:

“Huge black cocks destroy tiny blonde cheerleader”

“Out of control squirting”

Or perhaps most disturbing of all an ominous, foreboding single word search for:

“Gaping”

It wasn’t always like this. When I first started jerking off in the early ’90s, access to porn was extremely limited. Back then I used to be able to knock one out to the bra advertisements at the back of department store catalogs or, more amazingly, I’d be able to snap a batch using only the power of my imagination.

Today you’d need a studious Asian kid with a scientific calculator to come up with the number of times I’ve jerked off since Kurt Cobain shot himself. The biggest factor of course has been the internet and how it has opened up access to a whole new universe of pornography. The effects have been crippling. I need porn to jerk off. Worse, the type of porn I need is becoming more and more… how can I put this… niche.

I’ve been desensitized to the point that watching a one-on-one hetero scene is like staring at a beige wall. The once risque proposition of an anal scene barely makes my foreskin twitch. And while I would do horrible things to get with the girls from Suge’s Wood, for wanking purposes the overall art-house aesthetic of those photos leaves me with nary a semi.

Where do we go from here? What’s next?

Disturbed by the possible eventualities I was facing, I decided to reach out to a few like-minded friends to start a pact where we would give up jerking off for as long as possible. Here’s a short list of some of the benefits that were realized from our experiment (note: we were all still allowed to have sex though):

1. CRAZY MORNING WOOD

This is the most immediate and smile-inducing benefit. I call it a “benefit” because there’s a wonderful childlike amusement that comes from knowing your dick can still be rock hard over nothing more than the fact that it’s 8:30 A.M. and you just had a good night’s sleep.

2. YOU CAN FEEL YOUR DICK AGAIN

My friend who gave up smoking after 15 years told me the most amazing part of quitting was that he could really “taste” food again. I had the same kind of revelation the first time I had sex after giving up my hand. There is no feeling like that of entering a woman after not having touched your dick at all for a week. You feel everything –- even stuff that may not be happening. It’s like your dick is having an awesome hallucination.

3. YOU MAY WANT TO START HAVING SEX WITH YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND

A friend of mine was recently married to his longtime girlfriend. Despite their status as “newlyweds,” he explained to me the novelty of their sex life had worn out a long time ago. In spite of this he still heroically musters up enough libido to have sex with her twice a week thanks to the fact he never jerks off. Ever. Similarly, my friends who are in relationships say they have an increased interest in fucking their girlfriends after unsubscribing to Brazzers. An analogy: On Survivor after three weeks in the middle of nowhere with no fucking food, the contestants get all excited when they catch a shitty little fish that probably tastes like wet plastic because they’re starving so hard they’re ready to eat bugs and dirt. If you starve yourself from blowing your load by not jerking off, your wife can be that fish.

4. YOU START TO HAVE NORMAL SEX FANTASIES AGAIN

About two weeks in I was getting hard over shit I hadn’t been turned on by since I was a teen: exposed cleavage, bare mid-riff, a bent over ass in a pair of lulu lemons. What’s more is when I’d fantasize about being with a woman, I wasn’t wearing a latex bella clava and electrocuting her tits. Instead, I was doing normal stuff like fucking her in missionary and looking into her eyes.
—

Now I’m not suggesting that everyone needs to try this or that there’s anything wrong with being crippled by perversion. I’m still very perverted and I will be jerking off again in the not too distant future (though probably not as often). All I’m trying to say is it’s nice to know that no matter how far out you go there’s always a way back. In the meantime just avoid hanging out with David Duchovny and make sure to clear your internet cache.

-THE FOOL

Related posts:

1. MOSHING WILL NOT STOP!
2. WE NEED TO STOP THIS KIND OF SHIT
3. STOP THE JUGGALO HOLOCAUST
4. STOP RIPPING OFF MY DREAMS!
5. 10 THINGS THAT NERDS NEED TO STOP DOING