Stieg Larsson wrote easily digestible tales of cover-ups, conspiracies, and the eternal fight between the feminine and progressive versus the masculine and conservative.




Shy by nature, Stieg Larsson had a weird habit of smelling his hand. (homepage thumbnail via Instagram dream_less)

Stieg Larsson wrote easily digestible tales of cover-ups, conspiracies, and the eternal fight between the feminine and progressive versus the masculine and conservative. Larsson did the right thing and died an early death (on the same date as the Kristallnacht.)

Hollywood—that dream factory for idiots—loves him. David Fincher’s The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo has turned out to be a big flop at cinemas, but Larsson’s book on which it is based has sold over 15 million copies in America.

Here are six points on why this is absurd, why Larsson deserved to die as young as he did, and why he’s probably being punched in the cock by Satan right at this very moment.

1. HE LOOKED LIKE A LESBIAN.
Larsson was a feminist, and like most feminists, he looked like a dyke. This is perhaps the most undeniable point on my list. There is simply no way anyone can deny that Stieg Larsson looked like a lesbian.

All right, let’s move on.

2. HE WAS A HORRIBLE WRITER.
Ridiculous plot and weird dialogue is one thing, but the main character in the books, Mikael Blomkvist, is the most obvious reason why it all falls apart.

Blomkvist is the publisher of a radical magazine called Millennium (clearly based on Larsson’s own Expo, a magazine dedicated to exposing all sorts of right-wing schemes). Like Larsson, Blomkvist is not afraid to go after evil right-wingers at any cost. He eventually teams up with a hyper-intelligent punk-rock lesbian called Lisbeth Salander, whom he actually manages to fuck despite her deep hatred for men.

By now you probably realize Blomkvist is a Mary Sue for Larsson himself.

There’s a feminist twist, though: Blomkvist is the submissive one. Salander fucks him with the cold, hard aggression of a man and refuses to get close to him emotionally. Blomkvist finds this fascinating. I think Larsson was the kind of guy who cried when he had an orgasm.

3. HE WAS A HYPOCRITE.
Despite hating capitalism, Larsson had a strange hard-on for Apple products. That’s why you find odd passages in his books like this:
Unsurprisingly, she set her sights on the best available alternative: the new Apple PowerBook G4/1.0 GHz in an aluminium case with a Power PC 7451 processor with an AltiVec Velocity Engine, 960 megs of RAM and a sixty gig hard  drive. It had BlueTooth and built in C.D and D.V.D. burners.

Smells like product placement to me. And damn weird product placement, too.

Apple machines weren’t the only capitalist products the Stiegmeister endorsed though. According to his friends, he ate terrifying amounts of McDonald’s food every day. This, along with an enormous intake of coffee and cigarettes, probably helped Larsson to die early.

Yay, capitalism!

He didn’t drink Coca Cola with his junk food, though, just to underline that he’s not too American.

Hypocritical Swedish fuck.

4. HE BELIEVED IN A HIDDEN AND POWERFUL PATRIARCHY.
Larsson was a feminist from Sweden, and therefore it’s safe to say he must have been influenced by the peculiar type of feminism they have there. Swedish feminists are notoriously hostile toward anything remotely phallic, and that includes maypoles.

They also still believe in the ridiculous Satanic Panic myths that spread worldwide during the sixties, thus allying them with the extreme parts of the Christian American Right. Much of this can be blamed on an awful woman called Eva Lundgren who works as a professor at the University of Uppsala, a university known for being dominated by a ridiculous coven of feminists and Queer theorists. To see just how fucked-up professor Lundgren is and what consequences her insane ramblings can have on a group of man-fearing dykes, see the Swedish documentary Könskriget (The Gender War.)

I don’t know if Larsson knew Lundgren, or if he was consciously influenced by her, but in his books all men are evil (except for Blomkvist/Larsson of course) and they’re also often part of a bigger network of men who absolutely HATE women (hence the Swedish title of the first book: Män Som Hatar Kvinnor (Men Who Hate Women.)

There’s Lisbeth Salander’s lawyer, who keeps her from getting her inheritance. He makes the poor punkette suck his evil cock for some cash. (Man-hating feminists, from Dworkin to Solanas, seems to have few qualms about fucking the men they hate to get a few coins.) Just so you absolutely understand how evil this man is, Larsson later makes him rape Salander in the poo-poo hole. What a pain in the ass that guy’s gotta be!

But the ass-raping lawyer is nothing compared to the Vanger family around whom The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo is centered.

We find out that the wealthy industrialist Martin Vanger has killed an enormous amount of women because they were a) women, and b) immigrants, and c) because Martin hates both women and immigrants. Oh, and some prostitutes just for the hell of it.

What we also find out is that Martin’s father, Gottfried, trained his son up to be a misogynistic serial killer, and that Gottfried murdered girls because they were a) women, and b) Jews, and c) because Gottfried hated both women and Jews.

He was, in fact, a Nazi.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a family of capitalist misogynist Nazi serial killers. Oh, that’s not heavyhanded at all, Stieg, you absolute fucking shitstain you!

And of course this family of pure Evil is connected to everyone influential in Sweden, which makes Blomkvist and Salander’s work that much harder.

Oh, and Martin also repeatedly raped his own sister. Along with their father. I wish I was kidding.

5. HE ONCE WITNESSED A GANG RAPE, DID NOTHING, THEN BITCHED ABOUT MEN EVER SINCE.
Larsson’s contempt for his fellow men seems to spring out of an incident from his childhood where he witnessed his friends commit a gang rape on a local girl and he did nothing about it. Nothing, except tell her that he was sorry a few days later (that must have been awkward!) After that, Stieg made a vow that he will fight injustice agaist women wherever it is.
So basically, he held all men responsible for his own fucking cowardice.

What a swine! What a projecting cunt.

6. HE’S EVEN ANNOYING POST-MORTEM.
Like with all Holier-Than-Thou White Knights, Larsson’s death has spawned a retarded cult where Lisbeth Salander is seen as a positive role-model for women everywhere, as opposed to the psychopathic, man-hating witch that she obviously is (amongst other things, she let’s Martin Vanger burn alive inside his crashed car without helping him. That’s justice to Larsson.)

Larsson himself is portrayed as the man who dared to show Sweden for what it is, which to him is a misogynist country controlled by Hitler-worshipping, woman-hating pigs, as opposed to a Sweden where people like Eva Lundgren can force a book that criticizes her beliefs in the Satanic Patriarchy to be pulped and never released.

His books have now become so popular, tourist agencies arrange Stieg Larsson tours where idiots can travel to the places described in the book and gawp at…I don’t know. Something Swedish. We can presume anal rape and serial murder is included in the tour.

On seeing Larsson’s corpulent corpse in the coffin, his friend Baksi said that he had never seen [Larsson] as beautiful as when he was dead.

That I can believe, Baksi.

—ZACK SENHAUSEN

No related posts.