Above: The 3.2GHz Dell DX4831 comes with 280GB HD, 3GB RAM, and a vagina.

I have this friend who works at a major video game company, and every time I see him he acts like he’s some big fuckin’ celebrity. It’s like, get real, shit-ass; you’re a computer nerd, not Quentin Tarantino.

Anyway, he was in from the West Coast over New Year’s, and as usual, he couldn’t shut up about his company’s super-secret projects. He teased me with information, all smug and shit, as if I even gave a fuck about “Tekken 70″ or “Hulk Blows Spider Man” in the first place.

So to get on his tits I said the same thing I’ve been saying to him for the last 10 years:

“Can I ask you a question? How can it be 2010 and I still can’t get a blowjob from my X-Box? What the fuck are you guys even doing? What are you waiting for? You’re like the faggots at Ground Zero holding their dicks for the last decade — where the fuck is progress?!”

So he gave me some spiel about how of course an “interactive sex device” would be popular with a certain segment of the population, but how the idea doesn’t get real R&D money because of the brand restrictions that Microsoft and Sony (fuckin’ forget Nintendo) levy on distributors.

I told him two things:

“A) You’re right dude, it would sell amongst a certain population segment; they’re called ‘Men.’

B) You mean to tell me that Microsoft will allow little kids to control black guys and make them shoot cops and hookers, but they won’t bless a guy getting a digital hummer?”

America is so fucked up.

So he told me something I didn’t know, which is that you technically don’t have to wait for “family brand” video game companies to work through their puritanical bureaucracies. If you’re really hardcore / hard-up, you can buy a USB vagina RIGHT NOW.

Here it is: the Realtouch Virtual Sex Device.

Looks promising, but after stalking the internet for a few days, it seems there are some serious CONS.

First, the PROS:

–It mimics a vagina, mouth, or ass with varying degrees of tightness, heat,  moisture, and motion. That’s a pretty big fucking PRO — do you need any more PROs?

–Another Pro: When you watch special porn with it, the videos are carefully encoded so that whatever is happening on the screen is the sensation you feel.

THAT’S WHAT I WANT!

Hang on droidfucker, listen to the CONS:

–The $199 price tag isn’t THAT bad, all things considered, but you have to pay PER MINUTE to access the specially encoded porn — and it’s expensive: A 30 minute wank session costs like 20 bucks.

–You can only use it with the company’s own mainstream-style porn. For someone like me, who is so porn-callused that I can only get off by watching shit like two 18-year-old interns eating each others’ pussies in front of their parents, this Alpha-Beta cheerleader shit is about as titillating as a crushed Haitian.

–You can’t use it over the internet with “live” girls.

Fuck it, I’ll keep waiting.

I have a dream: I have a dream that when my wife goes to sleep, I can put on a gigantic fucking helmet like a jerkoff. I have a dream that I will be totally immersed in an ultra-real seeming world in which several photorealistic college girls approach me and are controlled by real Michigan college students who need the money.

I have a dream that my dick is inside a device that looks like a Smurf’s conveyor-belt. As the real girls sit in some far away dorm room adjusting levels like Pro Tools engineers, I can feel their virtual asses and pussies gyrating against my knob.

When I feel a smack against my head, I’ll remove my gigantic C3P0 helmet and see my wife standing before me in the living room, red-eyed with rage and tears. I will point to the computer and scream back at her:

“Honey, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT? I’m in here tryin’ to work!“

-BENJAMIN LEO

Follow Benjamin’s tweets on @Street_Carnage

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