We always get a few comments on our Tweet posts from people who don’t get jokes, like “What the fuck is this shit?” or “What’s a twat?” or “Your dad jerked me off with his asshole,” but we knew we were onto something.
We always get a few comments on our Tweet posts from people who don’t get jokes, like “What the fuck is this shit?” or “What’s a twat?” or “Your dad jerked me off with his asshole,” but we knew we were onto something. Recently a bunch of actors and comedians presented their tweets as part of a charity project called, “A Night of 140 Tweets.” Guess now that famous people like it, we’re validated. Here are 140 of our recent Twitter-treats. Most of them were written by Gavin, but a few noted ones are by Ben.
1. Hey people on the phone with me: Wait until you’re POSITIVE the phone has hung up before saying, “What a fucking retard.”
2. Seeing people jump off the World Trade Center was horrific but at least the Weather Girls got their wish.
3. Trying to understand this health care bill is so hard and boring, it makes me feel like a lesbian staring at a boner.
4. Whoa! Just changed the batteries in my remote. I haven’t had something this powerful in my hand since I first started beating off.
5. Some 20 yr old just bumped into me and said, “Oh sorry, Sir.” Didn’t she mean, “Sorry, fellow young person”?
6. My ass must think it’s fat because it won’t stop barfing.
7. Fuck, I just shaved my beard again and now my head is being played by the boss from Parks & Rec.
8. Old lady saw Scott Campbell’s “Hard Work Shall Set You Free” tattoo and commended his work ethic (srsly).
9. Mental note: Never Google Image “abortion” ever again.
10. Ew, I just heard someone on the train say, “Hella inspiring.”
11. Most of the people on Celeb Rehab are just abortions that never happened.
12. Grown man just said to other grown man, “Duh!”
13. Notice how NO PLANE was found at the scene of the IRS building? How dumb do they think we are? [By Ben]
14. Farrakhan needs to soften up his image. He should call himself Chocolate Moussealini.
15. The movie Stepfather just made me laugh my ass off so hard, I look like an Asian chick.
16. Is it me is Ludacris WAY too excited about being a rapper?
17. Just blew my nose on a tissue I found in my wastepaper basket and realized I was wiping cum on my face.
18. Ever notice how many gay guys say their boyfriend is a pain in the ass?
19. Here’s a new game: Try to find a PeopleOfWalmart picture that makes you (kind of) horny. I think I found one
20. Saw they’re selling body candy at WalMart. Isn’t that what vampires call herpes?
21. Boost Mobile’s entire ad campaign is various ways of NOT saying, “For black people who only have $50.”
22. Yeah, and cougars have to remind themselves to breed (I blame Sex and the City) RT @OMGFacts: Dolphins have to remind themselves to breathe.
23. When Mel Gibson heard he wasn’t nominated for an Oscar he said, “Oh well. That’s show bizrael.”
24. You know a shit is bad when you need to use toilet water to soothe your burning anal lips.
25. I want my grave to say, “The guy who came up with ‘anal lips’.”
26. I just ate a chocolate bar while sitting on the toilet. How ironic.
27. Cocaine brings out the worst in me and that includes boogers.
28. What is it about Adderall that makes you email old friends to see if they’re mad at you?
29. You know your mom once masturbated thinking about Gordon Ramsey, right?
30. Told my wife I regret not saving my toggle from when I was in Beavers in Grade 4. She said her only regret is marrying a Canadian.
31. Had to wear jeans at the gym because I forgot my shorts. Trainer goes, “Dude, you look like an orphan.”
32. Am I the only one who remembers that early close-up pic of Lil Kim in Vibe where they accidentally showed her beard?
33. At Children’s Museum and fucking Al Sharpton is here reading stories! He looks like Morris Day.
34. Scott Peterson Hot: When a woman is so attractive she makes you want to kill your wife.
35. Friday night you guys! Let’s get up to some major mischief!
36. We might as well face it we’re allergic to barf.
37. Astrology tattoos say, “I believe in babysitter science.”
38. The Sarah Silverman Program is like circumcision in that, it’s a cut above the rest.
39. Why are people always sniffing? Blow your nose! It’s snot rocket science.
40. America is fucked. So many problems. Did you know our poor eat too much?
41. Asked my wife to make lasagna and she said no. So I go, “How about making just one piece?” Still no. Ever heard of compromise bitch?
42. This guy looks like he’s just about to puke.
43. Carlos Mencia is the illegal alien of comedy.
44. Some woman in a burqa just came up to me and my kid and said, “Enjoy it while it lasts. They blow up so fast.”
45. Rosie O’Donnell is celebrating her recent divorce with a variety show on HBO called AFAMILYISAFAMILYISAFAMILY.
46. I hate when you say dick cheese. From now on call it Peanus Butter.
47. The funniest vandal in the world wrote “Welcome to the world of AIDS” on my car.
48. My son often has shit on his balls. Does that mean he’s gay?
49. Just saw a homeless man say to a kung-fu poster, “You think you can take somebody but I’d like to see you take me.”
50. “I fucked Snooki” garners very few hits on Google.
51. “We laughed, fuck knows why.” -Crass on G.Mc.is.A.F’n.A.
52. It’s not cold in here so why are my teeth wearing sweaters? Oh yeah! I forgot to brush.
53. Listening to Fleet Foxes. They’re not exactly Alpha Males are they?
54. I wonder if anyone has ever literally kissed their boss’ ass. Like, in a non-sexual way. Maybe some monarch 500 years ago?
55. NPR porn
56. Chicago is just Toronto with less fortunate blacks.
57. Sorry but something about “Chicago’s elite” makes me laugh.
58. Beeraucrat: British beer snobs who talk about head brewers at this and that brewery blah blah
59. Dude I work with just said he’s in the “Dog house” for not calling his mom on her birthday.
60. I go to the bathroom when doodie calls.
61. Oh my God I’m gonna puke. I just heard hummus is made out of chick pee.
62. Someone needs to buy Hollywood Google. The all-powerful robot in Astroboy is called ZOG.
63. I beat my meat so much it’s bordering on domestic abuse.
64. Every time I see pictures of Auschwitz I think, “Isn’t it good that they killed so many skinheads?”
65. I’m so wasted I just had a wet dream about going to bed.
66. “Sculptor from the inside out” is what my dick is often called.
67. Fat girls in really high heels reminds me of the end of King Kong.
68. I know dogs fart and I assume monkeys fart but what about like, lizards?
69. Before I die, I want to hear an African American woman say, “Wrinkly-ass ascot” with disdain.
70. You know your ass is itchy when you fantasize about a Wet Wipe fixture for a power drill.
71. A Pygmy shrew has to find three times his body mass in food every day. Nigga is STRESSED OUT!
72. Deers spend the winter starved senseless with gangrinous sores on their body filled with writhing maggots. I killed one and he said thanks
73. My parents just told me about some chick named “Amy Winehouse.” I’m going to buy them eyes and ears for their anniversary.
74. Hooray for fake tits!
75. I just gave Windy City Heat to Crass to screen at their next Movie Night. How incompatible can you get?
76. Asterisks for Bonds and McGwire? How ’bout an asterisk for Babe Ruth because he never had to play against black guys. [By Ben]
77. Mushstache (noun): The shit you get on your top lip after eating out a chick with a yeast infection.
78. I haven’t had a blow job in so long I forgot what they taste like.
79. There already is gay marriage – it’s called “renewing your vows.”
80. If I saw Barry White’s beard on acid, I would bad trip. It looks like it’s made of construction paper.
81. Ever notice how the # of suicide bombers has plummeted since Susan Boyle told the world she was a virgin?
82. Do you think they say “Bless you” after a sneeze in prison?
83. A prostitute just told me my cock tastes like Muscle Milk.
84. I get so much SPAM I want to order a Viagra so I can punch it in the fucking face!
85. Tried to get the Hasids at B&H to go down in price but soon realized I had bitten off more than I could Jew.
86. If you include jail, men get raped about 10 times more than women do.
87. Hey @marcmaron, a young girl on the train just caught my 39 year-old ogle and didn’t barf. I got thrown a bone and it gave me a boner!
88. Saw marines playing football in Afghanistan. Isn’t that what this whole thing is, Extreme extreme sports?
89. What do you mean, “What kind of music do I like”? Same as everyone: Early Jane’s, late Chains, Peppers and Rage.
90. The Smurfs’ language is so random – like how do they know whether to call it a ‘Blow-Smurf’ or a ‘Smurf Job?’ [by Ben]
91. Mmmm, gay farts smell like packed fudge.
92. If it wasn’t for vampires, upstate NY residents wouldn’t know how to read.
93. Upstate NY residents are a racist portrayal of whites.
94. The most common last word when homeless people die is “Finally.” #omgfacts
95. I’ve never heard my bro make jokes like this: What’s the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 50 pounds. (via @kylemcinnes)
96. If I had to describe my grandmother’s breasts in one word it would be “Droopers.”
97. Whined to mom so much about a ride to the liquor store, she poured herself some wine. Driving her to drink was the opposite of my plan.
98. Was thoroughly enjoying feeling sorry for myself until some kid walked by with one foot. Thanks, dick.
99. Becoming a priest is really difficult. You have to read one book.
100. A sex worker just asked me if I wanted to get lunch but my brother’s in town so I had to tell her that whole thing about bro’s and ho’s.
101. Lord of the Zings RT @HarMarSuperstar: When you find the Holy Grail of jokes, you may feel like Zing Arthur. #zinger
102. Gays are responsible for your favorite magazines and all your girlfriend’s best outfits but they DID ruin garage sales.
103. In midtown at sports bar celebrating a good pitch. Dudes nearby talking about basketball minutaie like it’s astrology. So gay.
104. Addderall makes my computer way too slow and my iPhone way too sensitive.
105. RT @lila_engel: “i want to make her face look like a house painter’s radio.”
106. My grandmother doesn’t Tweet because she says it’s impersonal and she’s dead.
107. Pinky won’t Tweet because he thinks script writers are going to steal his jokes and make a movie. He is the Shylock of jokes.
108. Someone stole my bike seat. I am madder than a hoarder who had his room cleaned.
109. Going to live Tweet a wank. Never been done.
110. Got a paper towel. Headed to RedTube.
111. Going to go with this http://bit.ly/beXqoX not my type but she’s seems into it.
112. dialogue and fake laughing ruining it but I’m still getting a bone.
113. This dude is bumming me out with his earrings. This may not be the one.
114. OK fuck this. Losing my bone to the normal chick and her gynecologist.
115. Looking for new video. Got a sad semi.
116. Asian FOBs are a downer. Russians are depressing. Fake tits break my heart… OH! Maybe this http://bit.ly/agi5hr
117. FUCK! Her fake tit scar ruined it. This is becoming a fucking chore.
118. OK got it. This is so depraved I can almost smell it http://www.redtube.com/31982
119. sluts
120. cumming on pappper towel
121. Oy, that sucked. Now I feel gross. Crumpling up paper towel and heading to bed. Bummed.
122. It’s especially gross when the porn plays on after you’re done and you’re like, “These people are disgusting.”
123. Stop saying “hop in the shower.” What are you, a Smurf?
124. Is my loaf a kid’s cheeks? Cuz I gotta pinch it!
125. No I don’t think you have a nice ass. In fact, I hate its guts!
126. Here rappers, use this: “You wanna step to me but you’re a fuckin sissy an’ your rhymes are Sisyphean.”
127. Wife touring public schools. Deja and Destiny are common (doye) but have you ever heard DINKY as a boy’s name!?
128. I feel so good right now. I feel like a really really sexy five-year-old.
129. My daughter asked, “When the sun goes away, does it go somewhere boring?” And I was like, “Actually, yeah.”
130. Hanging out with this dude who’s like a Smurf but white. He’s a Wurf.
131. Listening to “Unpredictable.” I think RZA thinks you pronounce the W in sword.
132. My neighbors leave their doggie pads in an open bag in the hallway. Need to tell them there’s other people on the planet.
133. Man, “Anonymous” has got to be one of the most prolific guys on the Internet.
134. Pretty sure this is the longest palindrome you could possibly Tweet teewT ylbissop dlouc uoy emordnilap tsegnol eht si siht erus ytterP
135. Fuck my son says some retarded shit sometimes. Water is not “nummy.”
136. I haven’t beat off in three days. I’m about to strangle someone with my dick.
137. My farts are so bad, they torture me. It’s like self-flatulation.
138. Sorry but your newborn baby is not cute. He looks like Darth Vader’s boss.
139. You know what my wife would do if I fucked Penelope Cruz? I don’t care.
140. Dear iTunes shuffle, please don’t ever follow Minor Threat with “Sexy Motherfucker” ever again.
P.S. Why weren’t we invited to the Tweet-a-thon?
UPDATE: Jim Goad did his own night of 140 Tweets (or however many he read) at a Racial Awareness thing organized by Skinheads Against Racial Prejudice. Not sure who was the wisenheimer who invited him, but it actually turned out well and the black power guys enjoyed it more than anyone else.
#74 is actually the grossest thing I’ve seen in awhile.
These posts have made a complete lie of “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”.
Anonymous! Ha!
you might as well block the retards who don’t understand the jokes. I pop semi-chubs seeing street carnage show up on my timeline.
dude those tits are such a bummer. they also made me want to marry my girlfriend.
# 105, amazing!
and those fake tits that look like shit are an action shot theyre mid movement thats why they look all fucked up. that chick is hot as ffffffuuuuuuu and i want that ass
Tweeting is great. Subscribing to “celebrity” twitter feeds is ridiculous. But this post is making me reconsider.
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