If cleanliness is Godliness, then there’s no doubt in my mind God must be a woman.
If cleanliness is Godliness, then there’s no doubt in my mind God must be a woman. You don’t have to occupy a YMCA changing room for any longer than two minutes to realize that men are filthy and disgusting. It’s as obvious as the layer of piss slowly caking on the floor or the mystery hairs clogging every drain. What’s worse than this incidental filth however is that some men pride themselves on being dirty because they think it’s manly.
I saw a picture of Rob Zombie the other day and he looks like he hasn’t washed his balls since La Sexorcisto dropped in ’92. That type of homeless aesthetic can only be achieved through a very deliberate effort. Could a woman ever get away with this? Would they even try to? Never.
So why do we think of Rob Zombie as being a hardcore MAN instead of a disgusting vagrant?
I went to my Uncle Rory for an answer. He fought in the war, killed another man before he grew his first pube and when he got back home, he immediately married a woman he didn’t love to prove he wasn’t a queer. I figured if anyone would know about being a MAN it would be him.
As he explained to me, in the era he grew up in, MEN only had enough time to do exactly three things:
1. Work a job
2. Pay bills
3. Die for their country
(or 3a. Drink Scotch while waiting to die for their country)
That’s it. If you had enough time to condition your hair you weren’t spending enough time being a MAN (see above steps 1 thru 3). Besides, who could have given a fuck about having touchable skin while occupying a trench?
The result of this mentality is why Rory still uses bar soap to wash his hair instead of shampoo. I don’t think anyone’s told him the war is over and even if they did in his mind he’ll always be out there somewhere fighting the gooks.
As for the rest of us who aren’t suffering from severe PTSD, we have no fucking excuse. If you have enough time to watch Jersey Shore and SportsCentre and play Black-Ops online with your friends then you have enough time to apply deodorant and shave. In fact if we’re going to advance as a civilization of men we need to step things up a notch to accelerate our evolution. Here’s the new rule that takes effect immediately:
If you are a man and you’re old enough to have hair in the crack of your ass, then you need to be shaving your ass crack.
Not your ass cheek. Not your choda or your tailbone. I’m talking about the fucking crease itself.
While you’re taking a moment to digest this allow me to highlight some of the logical benefits that follow from this personal hygiene practice:
1. You will spend at least 50% less time wiping your ass. At least.
2. Unless you literally stop washing your ass its impossible to skid mark your underwear.
3. Your girlfriend will be more receptive to sticking her index finger into your asshole while giving you head because it will no longer have to penetrate a tangled, hairy maze to get to your A spot.
Do I really need to go on?
I’ve been preaching this for years and anyone who has had the sense to listen has fully admitted to me that it feels like you’re stepping into the future. In fact, the only acceptable reason for not doing it is if you actually live in a third world country.
A number of my friends were initially scared off from shaving the crack of their ass because they believed they would somehow cut themselves, but rest assured its so easy to do Michael J. Fox could drop acid and still pull it off. Here’s how it’s done:
- Use one hand to spread your ass cheek
- Place the index finger of the other hand behind the head of your Mach3 to ensure a safe, guided motion.
- Shave your ass crack by holding the razor parallel to your crease pulling outward in either a East or West motion (depending on which side you’re dealing with).
The improvement in your life quality will be so noticeable you’ll feel like a Cuban that just washed up on South Beach.
Go ahead: Give it a try and tell me I’m wrong.
If cleanliness is godliness, then God must be a fag like you.
it will also make your farts sound louder, no more ninja farting.
Oh please god, let me die for my country so i can be a real clean man!
what the fuck is this garbage?
I shave my ass because otherwise everytime I took a shit I’d have to take a shower. Imagine rubbing feces through the hair on you head and then “wiping” it with toilet paper. No.
That said, don’t do it with a fucking M3! You should never shave your ass or balls completely bald – the sweat would be incredible. You’ve been unwittingly muffling farts for years with your ass hair. With a bald ass, the slightest emission comes out like a cracker. Not to mention ingrown hairs.
Break out the clippers, put on the smallest attachment, and get to work. The testicles just need a little tidying up. Women will gladly take your balls in their mouths – without prompting – if there’s just a velvety layer of fuzz. It’s the wires poking them in the face that they don’t like. They’re fellating you, not licking a terrier.
Regarding your ass, just bend over and run the clippers along each wall of the crevice a couple times. No painful cuts, you still get that fresh modern feel, and you still have enough ass ‘n balls hair to serve its purpose.
Pro-tip: refrain from irritating Vesling’s line.
won’t the growing back of asshair be akin to wearing a sonic the hedgehog in your asshole?
This is so logical, what heterosexual man want to put his dick into another heterosexual mans hairy asscrack. It just takes too much time.
The problem with shaving your asscrack hair is that when you perspire there’s nothing to soak it up and you end up with really damp walls of your inner ass.
razorburn on my asscrack- no thanks.
hasnt this guy ever heard of baby wipes?
also, next time youre in the shower, turn around, bend over
spread your cheeks and let water and gravity do the work
I would never admit to this in public…but he’s right.
get rob zombie out of your pants
Damien’s comment is hilarious and spot on to boot! yay!
Note: My apologies for the peppy comment, Last Christmas by George Michael is on the airwaves and i’m feeling a bit campy!
Chris Haslam
I think the Fool is coming out if the closet for Christmas with this post.
STOP! Before you do, read this. You may change your mind.
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique.
It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.
Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can’t-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. “Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don’t I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!” I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. “How many Indians could there be?” said by General Custer. “Looks like a good day for a drive!” by JFK. “There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!” by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I
thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there
and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally
reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.
As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: “It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks.” Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair – ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks.
Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn’t enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad.
Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn’t just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Friends-DON’T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
Yeah, well, back when men were men, they could say it and OWN it:
“Boy? You call me BOY? I got a yard of dick, a wheelbarrow full of balls, and enough hair on my ass to weave an Indian blanket, and you call me BOY?!”
Fur real:
That was way more fucking funny then the article, I was giggling like an 8 year old that farted in church
if shaving your ass hole is gay then I’m Bruce Vilanch, do you really have to like the same sex to not want dingle berries?
pro tips -
1. do this in the shower, stand one leg along the rim of the tub which will save you the effort of extra spreading
2. shaving all the hair will result in a uncomfortable astro glide sensation as you walk, plus it feels like every fart is a shart, so treat it like you pubes, just trim
3. don’t forget the taint, nothings gonna kill the mood faster than your future ex-girlfriend going down and finding a little hedgerow betwixt your balls and your ass, your trimming the first two, might as well make it a trio
Fur Real, nominated for Category: 2010 Dramatic Breaking News in the Pubic Interest–Novella Form.
Also, congrats to SBTVC for its courageous willingness, despite an enormity of pressures both internal and external, to contain such explosive material.
i think this is a massive joke on anyone stupid enough to shave their poopy place…for shame fool for shame
what about the hems? i’m talking about those plump purple danglers. wouldn’t you nick one and get blood all over the place?
hmmm. it was suggested to me once that i get my crack waxed. i demurred. the thought of having hair ripped out of that special place was too much to contemplate. though i must say, reading the comments on this post has inspired in me a warm feeling of camaraderie. thank you. thank you so much.
I shave my ass crack for reasons already mentioned. @Onyxblackman, baby wipes aren’t the same thing bro. Damien said it best. I was scared of razor burn too but it didn’t happen and I wasn’t itchy at all. I guess the skin there is different or something.the best part is the hair doesn’t grow back as much and I only have to do this once every three months maybe. Its glorious. I spend my whole day feeling like I just stepped out the shower.but whatvr. If you’re happy with how you’re handling your own situation more power to you.
I have a compulsion to rip the hairs out of my ass with my bare hands. I like it and hate it at the same time.
Steps ahead of you friend. Hairless head to toe. Even the eyebrows which i paint on with a brush.
HOLY CRAP “Fur Real”s comment………. back in the day they used to do stuff like write Madame Bovary and The Sorrows of Young Werther, but hey you did your bit with that comment man Fur Real.
What a fucking great article. I would never do this thing, because a) its too freaky & b) i dont want anyone putting their finger in my asshole thank you very much. I dont even do that myself. Not that there is probably anything wrong with it.
If i was going to do this i would use clippers ike the above commenter said, and if i did i certainly wouldnt write about it on the internet while i was at work on my work computer or anything
Kudos on this on it was bad ass
ohh god damn this whole thing is a fucking riot!!! BRAVO,BRAVO
This shit killed me:
He fought in the war, killed another man before he grew his first pube and when he got back home, he immediately married a woman he didn’t love to prove he wasn’t a queer. I figured if anyone would know about being a MAN it would be him.
As he explained to me, in the era he grew up in, MEN only had enough time to do exactly three things:
1. Work a job
2. Pay bills
3. Die for their country
(or 3a. Drink Scotch while waiting to die for their country)
The result of this mentality is why Rory still uses bar soap to wash his hair instead of shampoo. I don’t think anyone’s told him the war is over and even if they did in his mind he’ll always be out there somewhere fighting the gooks.
Steps ahead of you friend. Hairless head to toe. Once you feel how refreshing the shaved ass is you’ll want to keep going.
How can you resist stopping at the grundle?
@qq said: “i dont want anyone putting their finger in my asshole thank you very much. I dont even do that myself.”
That’s because qq is a commonly priggish Australian. Everyone knows they are culturally “behind” and that they are very “uptight” “down under”….
How does taking the easy way out make you a man at all? I’m not saying: “Fuck science I’ll fight this cold with blankets, a couch, and TV. Faggot” I’ve got a hairy ass and I don’t have dingle berries, skid marks, or any of this other stuff you all are whining about because I clean my goddamn ass. Do you know what doesn’t take three steps to accomplish? Keeping my poop chute smelling and feeling clean. In fact, I’ve managed to work it into my daily routine. When I take a shower I don’t stop rubbing soap on my body when I reach my asshole, nay, I keep going and get a good scrub in; and then, whenever I use a toilet, I wipe my ass. How do you go from talking about living in a trench (where nobody even bathed) to talking about shaving your ass crack? I literally look like Pan from the waist down and my hygiene has never been in question from my girlfriend. She isn’t gross either. She’s one of those health nut/clean freak types; I’ve never seen her get any sicker than a cough. I am not one of these people. And maybe I’m too young but I don’t get the finger in the ass either. At this stage in the game I’m content with good ol’ ejaculation.
It’s an evolution issue you twit. If your ancestors reigned in a damp part of the world – Celts for example – you’re going to have more hair.
It’s lovely that you wash your ass in the morning, but what happens if you take a shit an hour before noon?
I concur. qq does have self-ass-hating issues. Note that he ended his comment by writing, “Kudos on this on it was BAD ASS” [emphasis added]. Self-evident phobic complex.
If America would just embrace the biday, then every shit would be followed by a warm spritz to clean you off. As if taking that healthy shit isn’t already enough pleasure to look forward to.
fuck you sissy
boys are gross
I have a hairy ass, but I also have a wet room so I just hose the fuzzy octopus down after a suspect shit. Maybe I should shave though – I tried to get my girlfriend to stick her finger in my asshole at the weekend (we were having sex, it wasn’t just while we were chilling in the Electronics section at Wal-Mart) and she literally couldn’t find my asshole through the pubic jungle.
“I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.”
Bullshit, you would have just wiped with toilet paper.
P.S. your writing style fucking sucks, kill yourself.
You’re a dick. To even mention suicide as a suggestion to a fellow being is a gross estimation you have on the value of human life.
How come you guys are complaining that a MAN is shaving his ass crack?? Girls shave/wax their crack all the time and there are no complaints? Fur Real.. should girls just let the hair grow??? Would men rather have WOMEN shave only?
Clue for the men otu there… when you have mad hair in your bum crack and little dried pieces of poo are there, its aint cool. Done wanna shave? Always have wet wipes handy. Ew.
I agree with girl and from a woman’s perspective I’m thankful for this very funny very true posting. Every guy out here that is proud of being hairy and thinks shaving makes you gay needs to get a clue.
Radtooth, why don’t you use some tissue? I just combine trips like that. The difference between a woman and man’s hair is pretty drastic. A woman’s leg hairs aren’t bristles that start a quarter inch below the outer surface of the skin. If I had hair like a female, I could shave every day without it looking like stubble growing out of a scab. It’s not that it makes you less masculine, it’s because skin grows over a little follicle that has a stubble with a sharp point on it, and then it has to cut its way out as it grows alongside bacteria.
“It’s lovely that you wash your ass in the morning, but what happens if you take a shit an hour before noon?”
That sounds like some sort of wise ancient proverb with deep hidden meaning.
Shaving your pubic area is like getting tattoos or blasting rails or eating nachos (nut not all at the same time). Sort of hard to stop once you’ve gotten started. I agree a shaved whatever is preferable, but how fucking far down am I supposed to be going here ? Is it ok to have hair on my thighs anymore? Who can tell.
Ha! “Clif” typed “hedgerow.”
It’s almost 2011, I shall open a business called “Nair Dips.” Just like flea dip, I will make the young and hair-phobic smooth like mozzarella.
Two brothers I knew pretty well in high school: the younger one, age 13, took evening bath. As was family tradition, when he was done with his bath, the older brother then hopped right in the still-full tub (I know, gross right, what family would do such a thing but they were a quirky crew, and hey this is what I heard). Unbeknownst to the successor bro, the departing younger bro had dumped a liberal dose of nair in there… How ’bout them Yankees?
@ Girl.
Feminist studies suck, drop out now.
Women don’t have nearly as much hair as men. I’d assume that the waxing process wouldn’t hurt as much or take nearly as long for a woman as it would for a man with catacombs of hair between his cheeks.
Also, it’s all fine if a woman just trims her bush…they grow next to no hair on their asses anyways. On top of that, men ENJOY licking a woman’s balloon knot. I can assure you most women do not get off on the same act.
Finally, women around the globe are going to be pissed about your pseudo-feminist argument when men continue to look and act more and more like women. What passive boring sex we’d all have. No dirt, no shit, no stink! Sounds awful. Like chemo patient sex.
You’re boring.
this article fucken sucks
Can’t we just get our cornholes waxed!? There would be no stubble, and your ass would be completely smooth. I just think I would be too embarASSed to have somebody all up in my trap door applying the hot solution. Could be worth a try though…
My ex offered to shave my crack, said it would be easier for her to lick.
No way in hell am I shaving my ass. Fuck that. I resent this whole article. Shower in the morning, scrub the ass well, then a thorough wipe after each shit, maybe even stick a bit of toilet paper covered finger in there just to make sure, hell, even go first knuckle deep if you like.
What about stubble? Wouldn’t it itch horribly? How often do you need to do it? Is Nair a better idea? I remember an article by Dave Carnie in a Big Brother magazine where he used raspberry Nair on his ass and it burned (solid read, he mentioned smelling farts more clearly), but maybe they have a better formula for pubes now. As a ball-shaver, I’m intrigued, but the stubble scares me.
Fur Real should have had the main piece here. Hilarious.
this was a fucking great post! i actually laughed out loud.
The comments are pretty excellent too. I think this might be the best SC comment board I’ve ever seen.
Kudos Fool.
You kill yourself too.
The fool I think your 3 reasons for shaving ass cracks are really bad. The last one is ok if you want that but I don’t. The first reason is really funny because you say you’ll spend 50% less time wiping, but how much time do you have to spend wiping in the first place for that to be a good thing? I spend maybe 15 seconds wiping each time I crap, and that’s all it takes because when there is nothing left on the paper I’m done. So 7 seconds vs. 15 doesn’t do anything for me. And who the fuck get’s skidmarks that shit is disgusting. I shower probably 4-5 times a week and wipe enough and that does the trick. I never get skidmarks I hope you’re preaching to the wrong crowd on that one. “a number of my friends were initially scared off”, I don’t know man that sounds really funny to me. You’re the guy that tries to convince all his friends into shaving their ass cracks that’s hilarious. “No, No man seriuosly listen to me it’s awesome! I’m serious this is really really important to me I spend 50% less time wiping!” That is so funny. I am sorry though I don’t want to upset you, I guess it’s good you might not read this but that shit is really funny. “depending on which side your dealing with” lol oh man you’re an idiot. “life quality” lol, “logical benefits”, oh man you’re talking about shaving dude butt this is so funny. If we met in real life you’d probably hate me so much I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing if I heard you preaching this stuff at a party.
my clit is numb from rubbing it to that pic.
Bollocks , a real man should have a hairy asshole . Bidet’s , although a little worrying to use , are an excellent modern solution .
wax
I just lol’ed more than I have ever lol’ed before – I admire your comment dont let the other @ForReal’s get you down. Complete Ledgend!
Wow. You couldn’t wipe the smile on my face, still cannot believe I stumbled into this and read the whole thing. I cannot help but wonder how much TP this guy is grabbing at one time, the whole fricken’ roll? I have the hair to rival this man, and grabbing three squares at a time works perfect for me. Thanks for the entertaining read. I’d shave my ass if I knew it would all be back in one week with a vengeance.
Now I don’t.. umm.. feel so bad!!