My grandfather never left the safety of his musty Maryland condo and smoked a carton of Marlboro menthols every day. He used to tell me, “Matthew, one day

My grandfather never left the safety of his musty Maryland condo
and smoked a carton of Marlboro menthols every day. He used to tell
me, “Matthew, one day you’ll get a woman whether you like it or not.
You can’t live with ‘em and you can’t live without ‘em. My son
certainly didn’t raise no nansy pansy faggot, so go get ‘em.” All
these years later I realize the ol’ sonuvabitch was right. Having
bagged a wide array of tail over the years from crazy chicks to dorky
chicks to stupid chicks, I’ve learned a thing or two about forging the
perfect relationship, so three months in you don’t feel like picking
out your own eyeballs.

RULE #1: ALL CHICKS ARE DIRTY BIRDS
Ah…the naïve, unsuspecting goody two-shoes. Doesn’t it feel
wonderful to spoil nice girls? The first time you pork a girl should
be pretty straightforward, focusing more on foreplay than anything
else. Once you get into the sex groove, it’s up to you men to show
her what’s what. Start slowly at first; introduce a few crazy
positions she never could have dreamed up. Instead of whispering
sweet nothings like a pussy, grab her hair and call her a dirty slut.
She will NOT see it coming and totally freak out at first, but now
you’ve hooked her. This has worked for me EVERY time. Soon she’ll be
wearing heels to bed and begging you to punish her ass. FULL PROOF.

RULE #2: ALL CHICKS LOVE SURPRISES
This is a sure fire way to keep things fresh AND fun. Flowers and
“dinner on me” are nice on occasion, but how about some fucking
originality please? Your objective should be to blow her mind away
with something she never saw coming. The other day I got my lady
stoned and took her to the CIRCUS and she flipped out. Shows are
always the best, but forget about “the movies” for two fucking seconds
and take her to some live entertainment. Buy her jewelry for
anniversaries and shit, but try getting her a copy of some fucked up
old book. She’ll think you perceive her as intelligent (yeah, right)
and get a little weirded out because you made her read some sick shit
like Last Exit to Brooklyn.

RULE #3: CHICKS DO NOT WANT TO FIGURE YOU OUT
You could be a little baby and talk about your “past” and all the
“hardship” you’ve faced so your woman will think you trust her, but
COME ON. If I have to hear some sweaty faggot’s life-fucking-story
one more time I will ritualistically cut out my own stomach. Grrls
may want a sensitive man, but I say TOUGH SHIT. Keep an air of
mystery about you and don’t tell her anything about your history.
Never talk about your family or when you were depressed and tried to
kill yourself or whatever. Reveal these bits of information slowly
but surely, saving the best parts for last. So then, a couple of
months in you can be like, “Oh this scar on my hand? Some prick
called my mother a bitch so I punched in his teeth” and she’s all like
“WHA? TELL ME MORE” but you just shrug it off like it’s nothing
(which it is) and say “Another time, babe.”

These methods are tried and true (any of the SBTVC staff gonna
back me up?) with a 100% ratio of success. Follow these three simple
rules, pull your head out of your ass and COWBOY THE FUCK UP and you
should be golden, Pony Boy.

Sincerely,
Matthew Lee

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