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Getting back at people is a crucial part of life. If some jerk off gives your sister a black eye or slaps your girlfriend’s ass, shit will have to go down.
Getting back at people is a crucial part of life. If some jerk off gives your sister a black eye or slaps your girlfriend’s ass, shit will have to go down. There are different kinds of revenge for different situations. I calls ‘em like I sees ‘em, from the gut, so just use your best judgment. Make sure the punishment fits the crime. And don’t start on me with all that “an eye for an eye leaves everyone blind” junk, because that’s for PUSSIES AND FAIRIES. Maybe no one else has any pride or sense of self-worth or maybe everyone is just afraid. Get over it and take my advice on getting even.
SOMEBODY FUCKS WITH YOUR GIRL
This can be a little tricky; your reaction depends on how much you like the girl. If some little number you consider a fling is flirting with other dudes at parties, fucking FORGET ABOUT IT and go get drunk with your friends. However, if some asshole on the street so much as whistles at the woman you love, you’re going to have to spill some blood. A catcall should prompt an immediate verbal attack, something like, “You got a problem buddy?” A smartass comeback on his part warrants an instant beat down. No excuses. If a guy physically or sexually abuses your girl, you have to kill him. Sorry, there’s really no way around it.
SOMEBODY FUCKS WITH YOUR PROPERTY
You can get real creative with this one. If you’re a little kid in school and some bully messes up your lunch, go spit in his food when he’s not looking. He breaks your favorite toy; you give him a bloody nose. But what if the situation is way more extreme than that? Like if somebody burned down your house? The best strategy there is to kill their dog, or horse if they’re rich. One of the worst things that can happen to a person is getting their drugs took. Leave a bottle of booze unattended at some strange party and you’re up shit’s creek. Trust an acquaintance to look after your dope and when you get back from the can he’s smoked it all with his friends (that you secretly hate). Don’t get too worked up. Call your now ex-friend a dirty and embarrassing name, walk away and never speak to them again.
SOMEBODY FUCKS WITH YOUR FAMILY
Defending your family’s honor is important. The consequences for fucking with somebody’s immediate family are the most extreme. Some maniac or villain kills your spouse or your kids or both, you have to kill them back, not even a question. This is a situation where a lot of torture and mind games beforehand are appropriate. I also think it’s really cool to obsess over finding someone’s unknown killer, like, for years. You abandon all your friends and your job and your life so you can just spend all your time hunting down this mystery man. You can be just like Clint in The Outlaw Josey Wales.
SOMEBODY FUCKS WITH YOU
Let’s say you’re working retail and some customer is giving you a hard time at the counter. No need to lose your head (and your job in the process) over some twerp. Just short change the sucker or be deliberately unhelpful. If you’re walking down the street, minding your own business and somebody yells fag at you or something, call his bluff and tell him to come closer and say it to your face. If he does, head butt him and run away. Works every time! Some hot heads may try to pick fights with you no matter what, so give them what they want and KILL KILL KILL (figuratively speaking).
SOMEBODY FUCKS WITH YOUR FRIEND
This one is the most straightforward of them all. Whether you realize it or not, everyone is basically in a gang. If a buddy shows up at the hang out spot all battered up and bloodied at the hands of your rivals, then bring your posse to their clubhouse and throw rocks at them. When you’re older, use switchblades instead. Rumbles are an essential part of keeping friends together.
- Matthew Lee
ad nauseam
maybe the guy peeing on the wall needs a hug from the dork who owns those elephant shoes. imagine shoe dork fighting terror one stinky toe at a time.
Summary: “Overreact to everything even if it means risking jail”
Could you be a bit more picky with the open mic posts? This is shitty no matter where it lies on the serious-joking spectrum.
^ spoken like a true pussy
Didn’t Gavin once say that revenge takes the time of terminal disease? Some of this warrants Payback, but not all. If you work retail, for instance, being unhelpful=revenge?
you should’ve called this: guide to being a decent male.
This was really boring, nothing funny or creative in the whole article. I was at least hoping for some creative yet realistic methods of getting back with people; for example making a fake Facebook account that has them talking about their adventures in the furry community, and then add one or a couple of his closest friends to it.
^
making a fake facebook account?! … Ohhhhhhhh so diabolical, please, please guy, go easy on em!
All the ferries that comment here wouldn’t appreciate this, cause well… they’re ferries.
The goal there was making his friends think he’s a furry, the fake facebook account was just a means to that end. It seems from your response you don’t even know what a furry is.
^ Fail.
first
Yeah, looking tough on the Internet is what being a man is all about. MORE BOOBS PLEASE!!!!
one time a guy gave my sister a black eye, but it was her babies’ daddy and i’m sure she deserved it, so i let it slide by.
@ Flying Teabag
Dumber species tend to attack more than smarter ones. They feel threatened more easily because they don’t understand. (Not a lie) You’ve proven this point very well:
Ferry = boat
Fairy = euphemism for homo
Stupid…
this is so boring!!! sooo booooring, you do not know true revenge puss.
I’m more of the ‘throw a bunch of catnip in their front yard’ kind of revenger. I used to send those people a bunch of knitting magazines, but now the magazines are all gone. It’s even gotten difficult to send people monster truck videos and franklins mint shit C.O.D. anymore. What the fuck has happened to this world?
I actually loved this article. Good work, guy!
SUCKED!
if all else fails spit in there face (only if your a girl) works every time
throw a lil conclusion on there and a few transitions and you got a good piece.
over all it needs a little polishing but i give it a 6.5/10
Sign someone up to receive info on herpes meds (best if they live with their bf/gf/spouse).
And if that doesn’t work, frame them for rape
I already hate Street Boning, he’s the new JANG. Fuck you Street Boning, you suck!
This is a revenge comment to a poorly written article.
Nothing like some advice that allows someone to pay the price.
Best open mic yet.
Did I just read a 3rd graders diary?
its immature as all-get-out, but ordering a bunch of anchovy pizzas to someone’s house is a classic revenge move. you can make it sting even more by doing it on a special day for them, like their birthday.
This post should be called “Guide to Being a Bonehead Jock.”
Didnt this used to be a comedy site?
No points for originality or anything like that, but us mens need to be reminded of these kinds of things. I’ve seen some of us out there fucking up big time in the revenge department lately (even me). Sometimes common sense isn’t so common (or just a really shitty reggae band).
There should be a disclaimer that says:
*All of the above applies, Unless they’re bigger than you.
Isn’t it a relief not having JANG here.
Stab a man in the kidneys. It’s the best way to send a man slowly painfully to his grave.
Look at a medical chart before hand to get the idea of where a kidney is.
Have a fantastic weekend!
revenge is a dish best served cold. I have some very cold beef waiting to be plated yet in this life. ah, just desserts. ps. this open mic was good because as we all know, it’s a joke, but this generation could man up a bit. pussies. for real.
Did somebody really think fairies was spelled ferries? that’s pretty hilarious.
One thing I learned working as a cook in high school. Don’t ever fuck with the help at a restaurant. We worked at a “nice” restaurant, and the shit we did to the food… well I’m surprised those people lived for real. I guess I also learned that a person can survive eating the most disgusting things imaginable. And for one dumb texan in a big cowboy hat, actually order seconds.
awwwwwwww cuuuteee
thank you for pointing out what stupi libertarians have been obsessing about since day one.
I think revenge is best served hot. BURN BURN BURN them to the ground.
WOW, a funny open mic?! pigs do fly!