Lacking the gritty sophistication of East Coast hip-hop or the laid back groove of West Coast hip-hop, Southern hip-hop has proven to be the worst of all possible worlds.

Lacking the gritty sophistication of East Coast hip-hop or the laid back groove of West Coast hip-hop, Southern hip-hop has proven to be the worst of all possible worlds. Embarrassingly minimal, with production that sounds like a spastic 2-year-old lashing out at a Casio keyboard, the sound of the South has topped the charts by being louder, sleazier and more “crunk” than anything else around.

Today Cash Money/Young Money are arguably the most notable players in the Dirty South, but it’s worth remembering that the foundations of the scene were laid by another label long forgotten: No Limit Records. If you were a teenager in the late ’90s, lived in Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi or Virginia and possessed an IQ of 60 or lower, odds are you owned multiple releases from this label. In spite of cut-rate packaging, a questionable roster of “artists” and preposterous cover art, No Limit releases sold by the millions, forever lowering the bar while simultaneously providing the blueprint for monetizing retardation.

Hip-hop heads go on for days about the glory of vintage labels like Death Row and B-Boy, so it’s only fair to give No Limit its moment of retrospective glory given that it’s been almost ten years since the label was last relevant. Here’s a look back at some of the artists that provided the soundtrack to your daughter’s first chlamydia infection:

MASTER P

Percy Miller, going by stage name Master P, founded No Limit Records in 1990. He immediately dispelled all notions of his label being a meritocracy by enacting the greatest display of nepotism in the history of music. Over the years Miller provided record deals to: his brother Corey (C-Murder), his other brother Vyshonn (Silkk the Shocker), his son Percy Jr. (Lil’ Romeo), his wife (Sonya C), his alleged mistress (Mercedes) and his friend from high school (Mr. Serv-On). When he signed his other friend Soulja Slim to a deal, he also provided a contract for Slim’s cousin Full Blooded.

In late 1999 Miller briefly lost his mind and attempted a career in the NBA. He signed with the Toronto Raptors and played in the pre-season, most likely as a ploy by the team to generate publicity.

Miller recently found God and is currently using his media prowess to promote positive images of black culture.

MYSTIKAL

Arguably the most successful No Limit artist, Mystikal rose to prominence on the strength of his unique vocal delivery which combined off-rhythm stuttering with loud shouting.

In 1996 his sister was stabbed and killed by her boyfriend Damion Neville, a grandson of one of the Neville Brothers. This didn’t stop Mystikal from moving forward with his career and he eventually topped the charts in 2000 with the album Let’s Get Ready.

In 2003 he followed this success by forcing his hairstylist into giving him a blow job and was subsequently charged with sexual battery. While facing indictment he was adamant that the incident was consensual and no crime had taken place. Investigators later found a videotape of the event that conclusively proved he was full of shit. On January 15th, 2004 Mystikal was sentenced to six years in jail. The judge’s decision took into account the fact he also had prior charges for drug and gun possession.

While serving his sentence for sexual battery Mystikal was further charged with two counts of tax evasion. He served this time concurrently. He was eventually released this past January and in his first radio interview said, “I was gone so long, all the things I achieved, all the accolades I attained, it felt like it was a dream.”

Mystikal’s latest accomplishment has been becoming a registered sex offender in the state of Louisiana.

SOULJA SLIM

One of the more enigmatic No Limit artists, Slim was shot at the age of 17 but managed to survive. He put together the album Give It 2 Em Raw in 1998 and immediately after its release was incarcerated for armed robbery. During this time it was believed that many other artists in the New Orleans area had become jealous of how “real” Slim was and began plotting to kill him in order to prove that they were even “realer.”

In 2003 on Thanksgiving day Slim was shot dead on his mother’s front lawn in an ultimate act of realness. A subsequent homicide investigation suggested a hit man had been hired to “take out” the rapper. Slim was buried wearing camo fatigues and his diamond encrusted No Limit chain. When the track “Slow Motion” topped the charts in 2004 he became one of only six artists to have a posthumous No. 1 hit.

At the time of his death Soulja Slim was said to be a suspect in connection with no less than six murders in the New Orleans area.

C-MURDER

This aptly named rapper, who was once engaged to RnB singer Monica, definitely tried to “see” murder in 2001 when he fired shots from an Uzi at a nightclub owner who refused him entry to the club. He eventually plead no contest to two counts of attempted murder as a result of this incident.

The rapper would again “see” murder in 2002 –- because he was committing it. After a show he beat and shot a 16-year-old fan to death while his bodyguards watched. When the case went to trial it took a jury three hours to come back with a guilty verdict at which point the judge ordered them to spend more time deliberating because they were dealing with a “serious trial.” The jury came back shortly after with the same verdict of guilty. C-Murder is now serving a mandatory life sentence.

KANE AND ABEL

Their music career was financed by New Orleans drug kingpin Richard Pena. He bankrolled their tours and partying. As a demonstration of gratitude, when Pena was arrested for murder and trafficking, Kane and Abel tried to cut a plea deal in which they admitted to receiving close to 10 kilos of coke from the embattled drug czar. In a fitting twist of fate. the rap-duo proved to be so incompetent they couldn’t even snitch properly and the plea deal they were working on was ultimately rejected.

They ended up serving three years for refusing to cooperate with the investigation of Pena.

Pena, their original financier and biggest fan, is currently serving life.

OTHER NOTABLE ARTISTS

Mac: was convicted of manslaughter and incarcerated
Big Ed: died of cancer in 2001
—

No Limit Records filed for bankruptcy in 2003 and was shut down. It has since been re-launched under the creative new title ‘The New No Limit Records.” It has yet to produce any mentionable artists or songs.

-THE FOOL

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