My family’s done a lot of horrible, disgusting things over the years. My aunt married a Mexican, forever polluting our family tree with the name Rodriguez. My Father

My family’s done a lot of horrible, disgusting things over the years. My aunt married a Mexican, forever polluting our family tree with the name Rodriguez. My Father let the cat out of the bag that our real name is McGuinness and we are not Scottish aristocrats but Irish feces. My grandfather beat his kids. The list goes on. However, nothing in this sea of family shame comes close to what the Warrens did: They made a fag.
That’s right. My Father’s sister married some fagmaker and his balls gave birth to Darren Warren, a gay man that puts dicks in his mouth. I grew up with Darren and had to deal with his genetic disgustingness every time we visited Scotland. Ironically, he has no shame in his game so I IM’d him and saved our conversation hoping to shed light on the blackest sheep since a farmer lost his fuckbuddy in the chimney.

Darren: What picture are you going to use?

The one I sent you last week where we’re jumping in front of the castle in Germany. Is that OK or are you ashamed of your dreads?

That was back in the early 90s, before the Red Hot Chili Peppers and all that Lollapalooza stuff. You have to mention that by the way.

If I were you I’d be more worried about the part where you accept dicks into your mouth.

Ha.

And in your bottom.

On occasion, aye.

Just to get this straight. You’d put your face in a man’s balls and think that was just great and you were lucky to be there.

Sure. If I was into him.

So you think a bag is gorgeous. You would masturbate thinking of a guy’s bag.

You have no appreciation of the human body.

Au contraire. I love tits and vaginas and women’s hairless and round asses.

I can see that. I love breasts. I’ve probably had sex with more women than you have.

Pu shaw. You always say shit like that and so do many of you people including Ryan McGinley. Look, I know you’re proud of yourself for fucking, what, 30 women-

More like 40.

Yeah, great, that’s nothing. I was in a band when I was 18 and it’s basically been non-stop since then. You and your people haven’t fucked CLOSE to as many women as your thirty-something hetero counterparts because you were only doing it for about a 7th of the time.

All right, all right. I was just going to say I like tits and can see the beauty in a woman. I appreciate it.

What about cunts?

Er, no thanks. I couldn’t imagine going down on a girl now and not throwing up.

Red Fox calls it, “Sammy with his eye out.”

No idea who that is. You have to admit an erect cock is nicer to deal with than some old, floppy, hairy fanny. [Scottish for cunt –Ed.]

Ew, I almost saw your point there. You’re going to make me barf.

Whenever we compare women and men you always use the most disgusting examples of men. Like Ron Jeremy Vs. Lily Allen. If I showed you some of the guys I find attractive and you saw them naked and erect, you’d be hard pressed to find a woman that looks hotter.

Do you enjoy making people barf?

I just think it’s humorous that you’re always trying to prove to me women are more attractive. Like the shampoo bottle argument.

What was that again?

You said, “Look at shampoo bottles. They’re curvey and hourglass shaped because that’s what people like to see in a shape.”

Oh yeah. That makes sense. Curves and softness are what people like. Not right angles and hard edges.

What about buildings?

I realize it’s impossible to convince you women are more attractive but it’s fun to do because it feels so logical to me. I know you’re born gay. Can you fucking believe people still think you’re not born gay?

Who’s that fat Asian American comedian who’s always complaining about people not thinking she’s pretty?

Margaret Cho?

Aye. She said it best. If you think gay is something you can get from hanging out with gays, you’re gay.

That whole philosophy kind of fucks with liberals minds’ though because it concedes people are born a certain way. Once they admit that, they get into nature over nurture and all of a sudden they can’t blame everyone else for their problems.

Are you talking about racism now?

I’m talking about culpability. Our whole culture is based on persecution and blaming someone else for our problems. Every time an episode of Intervention comes on and they have some pathetic alcoholic, they trace it back to a divorce or some nude picture of her everyone in High School saw. Meanwhile, the kid who took part Wineville Chicken Coop Murders turned out just fine. He chopped 20 kids’ heads off. Look at our parents. They grew up in the slums of Glasgow. My dad fought every day. He never whined about it or blamed anyone.

I guess. You have to admit though, if someone was molested or beaten every day it’s going to affect who they are. Uncle Shug was ruined by the beatings he got from Grandad. He was a shell of a man.

Poor bastard. All right, let’s do 80% nature, 20% nurture.

Fine.

What about gay marriage?

Is that still a hot topic in America?

Sort of.

Are you against it?

I just don’t think it’s the gay’s bag. They pretend they want to get married but it’s just a game. Like when the gays at New York’s Irish parade insisted on waving a rainbow flag and the organizers said no and the gays went nuts. They later admitted they could give a shit about being Irish but saw the whole thing as an opportunity to discuss their civil rights – read: air their grievances.

We don’t really talk about this in Scotland but I’ll take the bait: So you don’t think I should be able to visit my partner in the hospital or be on an American health plan with him?

This is like when pro-choice people use the example of a girl being raped by her father and ask if that’s OK to abort. They take the most extreme example and think it disproves the whole theory. That’s what liberals are all about: They find one exception and think it disproves the whole stereotype.

Whoa. Whoa. First of all, why do you always lump me into American Hollywood liberals and feminists etc. Because I’m gay?

Ha ha. You’re gay.

Why can’t people in love get married? In Scotland we have a Civil Partnership that works just fine. Not that I’d ever want to do that.
By the way, it’s not like you breeders are doing such a great job with marriage. What’s the stat? 50% end in divorce?

Two thirds. A Civil Partnership is just fine but marriage is our thing, warts and all. You can’t have it for the same reason trannies should not be able to go to a woman’s shelter or be eligible for free mammograms. I’m not saying you can’t have a union where you get the same rights. Just stop trying to be us. You’re your own thing: A sexual deviant, a weirdo. Embrace it. Bruce LaBruce does.

Who is Bruce LaBruce?

Gays are 1% of the population and a tiny fraction of those actually want to get married but this stupid topic has the power to completely transform elections.

I could give a shit about gay marriage to be honest. I can’t see why anyone would want to do it.

Here’s a question: If you’re so into marriage, who are your bridesmaids? Who’s the caterer? Are you having the rehearsal dinner the night before or a few days before? Can the groom see the groom the day of the wedding? If you’re so into marriage, why are you doing it at the courthouse in matching Hawaiian shirts with your sunglasses on a string?

Now you’re just ranting because you want to get all this off your chest. I’ve never given a shit about gay marriage or civil partnerships or any of it and when I see straights defending it, I get uneasy. They remind me of wiggers.

Exactly. They’re championing causes gays don’t even care about. Most gays I meet say adoption would be a mess. Remember when Erin said it was hard enough being a lesbian and she’d never want to drag a kid through having lesbian parents?

I’ve heard her say stuff like that, yeah. So gays shouldn’t be allowed to adopt a kid who nobody wants?

No, I’d never say that doye. I’m just talking about red herrings. How people pretend gays want to marry and there’s tons ready to adopt and they’re 10% of the population.

That’s the general understanding.

You fucking liar!!! You admitted to me it was 1%.

I don’t remember that.

Yeah. You were drunk. You were on truth serum. You know what you also said that night? You said gays deserve AIDS.

That’s as ridiculous as it is offensive.

I said, “Come on Darren, you have to admit circuit parties get a little out of hand. Fucking for three days straight with no sleep and even less condoms. What did you think was going to happen?”

That doesn’t mean we deserve to die. You’ve had every STD in the book.

Yeah but I don’t live in that world. The most promiscuous rock star in the world doesn’t come close to a gay nerd.

Huh?

You guys go out and get a blow job at lunch. From a stranger! That’s not our universe. Bryan got AIDS from doing meth at a circuit party and fucking for three days straight.

I know. That’s where you got this whole theory from.

I was listening to the Daily Show and watching that naïve TURD of a man Jon Stewart talk about gays and he said, “I live in New York. Everyone’s lifestyle is over the top. Gays are no different from the rest of us.” And that fucking pissed me off because it’s such a lie. Straights do not have coffee blenders with coke, Viagra, meth, and E all ground up and spread out over the coffee table into massive lines. He obviously doesn’t know shit about gay life.

I’ve only seen that show on YouTube but that host strikes me as incredibly smug.

I know someone who used to work with him and he said dude was petrified of gays and always acted really awkward around him. He’s a jock.

He’s an actor. Big surprise he’s dogmatic and naïve and full of himself and out of touch. What you’re saying, about the gay lifestyle being totally out of control, is nothing new. I agree. Plenty of gays agree. The founder of Act Up! agrees. I thought you wanted to interview me about homosexuality. These are just soap box rants.

All right. I just hate liars because they always end up hurting the people they’re supposed to help.

Yes dear. This is old news. When AIDS first came out and people said it was a gay disease, that angered a lot of people in the gay community because they were scared of being stigmatized. Then all the funding started to go to middle-class straights and they said, “Wait, wait, it IS a gay disease.”

Precisely. It’s a gay and a junkie and a poor black disease but suburban whites are the most petrified. When I was a teenager, all the girls were convinced they had AIDS. Meanwhile they’d be lucky to get Chlamydia.

You like to shock people but nothing you’re saying is that shocking. This is all ancient history. I agree with 99% of it. Try to shock me.

All right, how’s this: Gays are dangerous to women.

WHAT? What the fuck are you talking about now? In what sense are gays dangerous?

Fag hags will hang out with gays so much, they forget about the biological imperative and next thing you know, they’re 35 and childless and destined for a life of loneliness.

And that’s our fault?

Gays encourage sluttiness in their fag hags because it’s part of the lifestyle but gays can get away with it because they don’t have a time limit. Women can’t really slut around for more than a decade or so.

If a woman wants to have a child, it’s up to her to keep her eye on the calendar and know when it’s getting late.

All right, fine. What about this? Gays are more prone to deviant behavior because they’re born deviants.

What kind of deviant behavior. Stealing? Lying? Robbing banks?

Having sex with underage boys for one. They say priests fuck little boys but it’s GAY priests who fuck little boys. Gays are just straight men without constraints and in Manarchy (just made that up) you have a lot of old grossers fucking adolescents because they can.

There is some truth to that but I don’t think you can extrapolate and say we are more prone to all vices just because we’re different. I’m not willing to accept that I’m a deviant just because I’m gay.

Being gay is not the norm. It is a deviation from the norm. Therefore you are a deviant.

Do you think I lie more than you?

You’re one person I’m talking about a group.

I never lie. Hit me with another. Try to rock my world.

Gays are sexist.

Ha!

There was a very telling moment where Irene was posing for a picture with you guys and you kind of ousted her out of the shot and said, “This one’s boys only.” It was a rare glimpse at a latent sexism in the gay community that few people talk about. I think it’s linked to some kind of weird jealousy of their genitalia.

Ugh. This again. You always bring this up as some great revealing truth but it wasn’t me who said that. I would never do that. It was Carlos or one of guys visiting from the States.
Do you see what you’re doing here? You scoff at people for using anecdotal evidence and then you charge the entire gay community with sexism after a comment during a photo.

I’ll admit it’s not the most compelling evidence in the world but come on. You know there is some weird latent dislike of women in the gay community. I need to research it more.

Ha!

Do you think gays simply have less testosterone? Lesbians sure seem to have more. Isn’t it as simple as: gays are born with extra women in them and lesbians are born with extra man in them?

Sure. You can’t forget about lipstick lesbians and bears but they’re definitely the minority.

Do you hate gays? I’ve never heard the word faggot come out of someone’s mouth more than you.

Don’t print that.

Don’t you get sick of talking about hair and clothes and gossip and interior design? It’s so self-indulgent. You feel dirty after talking to too many gays. Like watching TV in the day.

A lot of gay people felt they couldn’t be themselves for a long time so, once they’re out, they come flying out.

I can see that.

However, it’s only a stage. Talk to a gay 37 year-old homosexual and he’s a mellowed out, normal guy. Like me. Do you think I talk gay?

Not to me but I’ve seen you around your friends after a few drinks and you start to sound like that gay Scot from Extras.

Gerard Kelly? Fuck you. He’s 50 years old. I have to say, no gay I have ever met talks about hair and clothes and fucking SHOES the way you do. You also get an erection any time anyone has any gossip. You are the King of the Queens.

Takes one to know one.

You are the most juvenile old person I have ever met.

At least I’m not a toilet trader.

Why don’t you tell everyone how you used to receive felatio with a butt plug in your ass.

Sounds good to me.

I’m going to punch you the next time I see you.

Just make sure you wear surgical gloves.

Love you.

Love you too (no homo).

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