Ooops. I spelled detritus wrong. Shit. Oh well. You win some. You lose some. Anyhosers, when we agreed to print absolutely every letter / submission we get, we forgot how awful most people are at everything.

(Check out this dude’s male bag)

Ooops. I spelled detritus wrong. Shit. Oh well. You win some. You lose some. Anyhosers, when we agreed to print absolutely every letter / submission we get, we forgot how awful most people are at everything. So, we decided to cram all our shittiest submissions into this one post so we can still say we run everything and you don’t have to suffer through a shitty letter every day.
Hit it!

dear boneheads,
come play baltimore soon! um, we’re a disgusting mix of punk, crusty, dumb, high, and horny. so get your asses here! the following are places that would be accepting of you: http://www.thewindupspace.com/, http://www.theottobar.com, and if they aren’t too busy masturbating to their images, http://www.myspace.com/thezodiacbaltimore.
and can you make it on or after april 30th of this year? good. because that’s when i officially become a human being via the maryland underage drinking prevention coalition. thank you.
love,
baltimo’

Baltimo,
Who are you, the mayor? You just randomly invite people to your SHITHOLE of a city and list some venues we should look into? Who thinks like that? Oh yeah, 20 year-olds. That’s the age where you wear a Marx pin and yell at your dad about “the working man.”
PS: No,
SBTVC

Hello SBTVC,
Porn is always shitty plot-wise but imagine my surprise when the hottest shit was flung at me in the way of a legitimate news story. Oh boy, it involves two teens and a bath and a kissing. The best part was that they were sisters and that they were TWINS.
Unfortunately, my boner was crushed by the fact that they’re not even fucking identical.
CJ Williamson

Dear CJ,
You are ugly and boring.
SBTVC

Dear Street Carnage,
Notice: jeep yj, 18 yr old, faux hawk,
Wanna be stripper, track pants, stealthy photo taking.
Funny?
Stella

Stella,
I simply don’t have the three hours it takes to get this joke. Sorry.
SBTVC

Dear Street Carnage,
I thought maybe you could get this to Chloe Sevigny so she knows that someone in the world owns a tire cover with her face painted on it.
Your Friend,
Jeffrey Max

Dear Jeffrey,
Hey Chloe, some stranger saw a spare tire cover that has a picture of a woman with her hair parted to one side the way you did once.
SBTVC

Dear Street Carnage,
I hate Rolling Stone, but the latest issue is a mega boner alert if i’ve ever seen one.
Endearingly,
Benjamin


Dear Benji,
Thanks for keeping us up to date on Terry Richardson’s career, Rolling Stone articles, and what the cast of Gossip Girl is up to, all at once!
SBTVC

Dear Street Carnage,
How’s this for the Holy Grail of Street Boners?
Vincent Dermody

Vince,
Dude. Come the fuck on! That picture is so ancient news it makes The Shroud of Turin look like it’s from American Apparel.
SBTVC

Dear Street Carnage,
Who the fuck dies while attempting to ski down a “novice bunny slope” on a weekday during a global recession? Have a little class. But seriously, who was this lady and why should the world’s televisions turn into flashing obits reiterating the “shocking tragedy”? On Thursday, you couldn’t even come home after work, fiddle your sack and stare blankly at the first half of Happy Gilmore without contrasting her endlessly grim ticker-tape of entitlement with Carl Weathers’ wooden hand. I looked her up on IMDB, and the only movie I had even heard of was Nell. And hers is not even a good celebrity-ski-death story like Sonny Bono’s. Apparently she fell, thought she was fine because she was rich, had good genes, and was married to Liam Neeson, and then she got the fear and blacked out. The only real tragedy in this is that now Neeson won’t make a sequel to Taken. Did you see Taken? Holy shit that movie was next levs.
Sincerely,
Hunter Stephenson

Hunter,
Way to tear Us Weekly a new ass.
SBBTVC

Dear Street Boners,
Taken in an alley in Chicago.
Aces,
Emerson

Dear Aces,
Oooh a tea party. Can I have some? I take cream, two sugars, and about 30 gallons of care juice because that’s what I’m going to need to give a flying fuck about your friends sitting on furniture.
SBTVC

Dear Street Carnage,
What is the best city for a single guy to move to so that it is easy to get lots of dates with cool girls. My current city has its male-female ratios all fucked up so girls can get away with playing hard to get.
-Help!

Help,
New York City has about the best 10 kitten to ugly men ratio you can ask for. Ladies, if you live here get the fuck outta Dodge because all the men here are spoiled dicks who talk about themselves incessantly and will dump you for farting.
SBTVC

Hi,
I got laid off last month and have been in a resume sending mania ever since. Basically, I am currently a Craigslist freak. One of the many (many) things that I have been noticing is that sometimes employers ask for a photo to be sent along with a resume. So, should I be sending pictures like this one? If you ignore the fact that its slightly unflattering, it represents. Its not very professional though. Does the average job-seeker have some sort of promo pic of themselves on file, like a glamour shot or a senior picture (but from now), that they use in this situation? Isn’t it kind of weird to ask for photos in the first place? Should I go to Sears?
-Jenny
PS I am really into the 12 neat pics. I think there should be posts about Daisy Lowe and Lara Stone, they both have real nice tits.

Dear Jenny,
If I was an ugly chick I’d be pissed about people asking for pictures but if you got it, flaunt it. Also, a picture says a lot more than if you’re hot or not. If you go to “I bang the worst dudes,” they have HUGE black bars over eyes and barely show anything but you can still tell a lot by a few teeth and a glimpse of part of a shirt. As you may have guessed, I’m the one that came up with the sayings, “the shoes make the man” and “a picture says a thousand words.”
PS: This letter isn’t really “detritus.” I liked it.
SBTVC

Dear Street Carnage: Haven’t Bleed in nine years
I have been going to SXSW for six years purely running on vitamin packs, no sleep, eight ohs, free keg beers, and sex, but I had major noser mishap tonight meaning massive nasal bleeding after doing amazing Juarez Coke. How am I going to survive a four day bender? Will you check my nose when you see me?
pictures are genuine
Louis


Louis,
Shit, just getting to this now. Are you still there?
SBTVC

Dear Street Carnage,
Good shit gentlemen. I wake up and read the entire internet everyday and for the most part it sucks balls.
I really enjoy this site.
The Street Boners make me hate them in the most complimentary way possible. I read them and hate myself for not being as funny as whoever the hell writes them. I feel equal parts happy and sad when I read each one. Which is probably not unlike “that dude” felt when he created the word sappy.
Thank you for being,
Jacoby

Jacoby,
I love when nobody’s write like they’re celebrities. Should we be framing this?
SBTVC

Dear Street Carnage,
Ever heard of Embalm TV? They “air rare, odd and imaginative video 24/7.”
So basically Ive become quickly addicted to these music video’s, and they also have their “on demand section”, where you can even see full length films like Dark side of Oz.
either way, its worth checking out,
Ethan

Ethan,
If we find out you work there, you are fucking dead.
SBTVC

Dear Street Carnage,
I found this while looking for a truck on EBAY… Whoa!
Feel free to post on your site.
Smell you later Ghoul-friend!
Leonard




Leonard,
That truck is boring in Greenville, SC and the best thing in the world in Woodstock, NY.
SBTVC

Dear Street Carnage,
I saw that post on frying up the blow in a microwave in humid climates. I live in South Florida. Coke and water vapor are everywhere. My favorite way to do it goes something like this:
Take an Afrin container (saline works but doesn’t have the cool blast), dump the contents.
Put the stuff in. (to taste. watch out.. its an instant drip that can cause some to vomit) add some warm water, shake it up a bit so it all dissolves.
Act like you’re just shooting Afrin up your nose anywhere. Planes… Bars… In front of cops.
Some people will miss the ritual of dumping it all over their shirts in the bathroom and having half of it captured by boogers…
fuck ‘em.
Mike Johnson

Mike,
We tried that in Vegas once because they’re such Nazis about coke down there and it kind of worked but you have no idea how much coke you’re doing. By the end of the night you’re sitting there with owl eyes playing video poker and trying to unclench your jaw. No fun.
SBTVC

Dear Street Carnage,
i’m all crushed out on this girl i just met and wondering if you have any tried and true dance moves that you could share with me. talking to her is hard because i always see her at this bar that blasts music, i may also be legally deaf or retarded, and need an alternate way to impress her. i just need a good, reliable move that i can use confidently without looking like an ass and maybe a gamebreaker to put a smile on her face. youtube’s failed me and was hoping you could help me out, i’ll try anything you’ve got.
peace up, a-town down
Derek

Derek,
This is all you need to know.
SBTVC

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