If you’ve ever flipped through channels at 1 A.M. while stoned, the odds are very high that you’ve caught an episode of Cheaters.

If you’ve ever flipped through channels at 1 A.M. while stoned, the odds are very high that you’ve caught an episode of Cheaters. The premise of the show is very simple: Anyone who suspects that their partner is fucking someone else can contact the show and have their boyfriend or girlfriend followed by a camera crew who will secretly tape their every move. The crew waits until the suspect is caught in the act and when they’ve gathered sufficient evidence to permanently cripple the relationship, they return to share it with the client. They then offer the client an opportunity for “closure” by confronting their unfaithful partner in a made-for-TV ambush. The results are what you would expect, from violent outrage to complete mental breakdown. It’s everything you want to laugh at while sucking on a bong and eating Doritos.

Presiding over this circus is the show’s host, Joey Greco –- an emotional vampire who’s dick stiffens at the prospect of human suffering.

Greco’s whole persona is a well crafted lie. He presents himself as a judicious arbiter only concerned with doing what’s right, when in reality he’s an enabler doing whatever it takes to keep his ratings high. This type of personality has a precedent in Jerry Springer, but the thing about Springer that made him so popular was the fact that he knew it was all a joke and eventually realized he could make more money by embracing his role as a purveyor of sleaze. Greco, on the other hand, wants you to believe that he’s serving some greater purpose. He treats his whole show -– from start to finish -– with the same seriousness and concern Springer reserved for the very last minutes of his show in the “Final Thought”; and Greco never flinches. Ever.

It’s a fantastic gambit on Greco’s part, but it fails on account of the fact that the sense of importance he gains from his work is too obvious for anyone to mistake him for the selfless hero he wants you to believe he is. He’s the ultimate prick — a shit disturbing con-man of the highest order who skillfully manipulates situations to ensure that the people he’s there to “help” will eventually die alone and miserable.

If you’ve ever seen Greco go through a video briefing with a client, you know that it plays out like emotional Munchausen by proxy. He stands next to them rolling a video of their significant other fucking around behind their back while stoically providing play by play of the infidelity in whatever way will create the most psychological damage, only so that the broken victim can come crawling to Uncle Joey for help in picking up the pieces. It’s always a highlight when Greco pulls the video screen away and solemnly announces “I’m sure you know what happens next….”

When they eventually do confront a cheater, Greco’s true colors shine through. He basks in the radiant glow of moral righteousness like an unimpeachable coward, hiding behind five bodyguards and a camera crew. Sometimes he’ll spew out sanctimonious bullshit, other times he’ll demand the truth on behalf of his client and there is the odd occasion where he’ll just silently linger around the scene like a stale fart, but under no circumstance will he ever forget to announce to everyone present that he is “Joey Greco.”

The most entertaining confrontations are the ones where Joey appears to be even more upset than his client; his pious act running unchecked in a crazed search for justice.

Greco has to be the sleaziest late night television personality based solely on how underhanded his methods are. He’s a grown man who makes a living by sneaking up on people in a van. I would say this is absolutely indefensible, but there is one other possibility to consider:

Vonnegut once said, “Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.” Greco has been at this for at least three years now. It’s very possible that he’s bought into his own lie and has become the character “Joey Greco.” If that’s the case then all I can say is: What a pussy.

Everything I’ve been trying to articulate about the man is perfectly captured in this video. I recommend watching the whole seven minutes, but if you’re pressed for time catch some of the highlights:

1:34-1:42 “And I’m not gonna explain… (Oh God)….”
3:13-3:25 “Do you know that he was working overtime so he could buy you a house?”

And most amazingly…

5:07–5:52 “This is the price… this is the price of justice….”

-THE FOOL

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