Like all good immigrants, I came to this country determined to assimilate as quickly as possible. This was my second time immigrating. The first was in the 70s when I came from England to Quebec and mentally replaced the UK’s stringent caste system with Canada’s language obsession.
Like all good immigrants, I came to this country determined to assimilate as quickly as possible. This was my second time immigrating. The first was in the 70s when I came from England to Quebec and mentally replaced the UK’s stringent caste system with Canada’s language obsession. Where limeys classified people by how posh their accent was, frogs classified them by which ones spoke French without an accent. Within a few years, I had suppressed my shameful, imperialist language and could parle français with the best of them.
America is too new to care about class and too unilingual to care about language. Their bag is diversity. I landed at Ellis Island with my papers in hand and asked what the perfect New Yorker would be like. “Well he wouldn’t be racist—that’s for sure,” I was told. I decided the best way to become a true New Yorker was to embrace diversity and make a real, live, black friend as soon as possible.
It wasn’t easy. I don’t know if you’ve ever gone apartment hunting in Bushwick, but it’s not unusual for someone to stop her conversation, pull away from the payphone and yell, “What the fuck are you lookin’ at?” If you can make it up to the FOR RENT sign without a stranger saying, “Oh I know you ain’t moving to this neighborhood,” you’re more tenacious than I.
I ended up in a predominantly white section of Brooklyn and focused on the blacks who didn’t mind leaving the Dark Borough. I met an African American DJ who was playing dancehall and struck up a conversation about the song because I was lucky enough to know it. After a few false starts, we became close pals, best friends even. It was heaven. When I heard squares being mocked for saying, “Some of my best friends are black,” I could laugh along with everyone else. My best friend is black and I don’t even talk about it. Ha! When we walked into a room of New Yorkers, I could feel the admiration wash over us. I was a new American and I was doing it right—beyond race.
This all came crashing down at a party a year later when I heard my black friend receive the most abusive phrase I had ever heard. It was worse than the N word, the opposite of it in fact. We were standing in the kitchen, commanding everyone’s attention with one of our brilliant comedy routines when a drunk, white girl rolled her eyes at my pal’s painfully normal accent. She said, “You are the whitest black guy I’ve ever met.” At that moment, my egalitarian house of cards came crashing down, and I realized my black friend didn’t count. He was an “Oreo,” and I was back to square one.
Real Americans, especially Democrats, tell us race is bullshit. They listen to all kinds of World Beat and will have dinner at more ethnic restaurants than you could ever hope to pronounce. Shit, Bill Clinton even has an office in Harlem. Can you dig it?
The only way I was going to ingratiate myself into this movement was to raise the bar and dive head long into my own self-hatred. I went past blacks and Hispanics and headed for an even more oppressed race—Native Americans.
Now, courting Indians makes courting blacks look like courting SPAM. All the First Peoples who trusted whites were killed off long ago, so we’re left with nothing but a very skeptical and uninterested population who would like nothing better than for us to get lost. I went to Pow Wows where I was ignored as the only white guy there, hung out on the rez—alone, and even endured a sweat lodge or two. (For the record, there is no suffering on earth greater than sitting in that damp, hot, tent, and I would not do it again for all the non-white friends in the world.) Eventually, I had ingratiated myself with one or two of them and even started dating a female Ho-Chunk. That’s when it hit me. A lot of people say they’ve done stuff for visible minorities, but how many of them have actually made some from scratch? If I married this woman, and we had babies, I could add members to her fledgling tribe. How’s that for diversity?
So I did it. We married in 2005 and have had two children since: Sophie Whiterabbit McInnes and Duncan Whitethunder McInnes.
Like so many Americans, I had embraced the deep-seated diversity that makes this country great. It’s hard to believe just two generations ago almost no whites married outside of their race. Today it’s… wait, that can’t be right, around 3 percent!?
According to the Census Bureau, only about 5 million Americans today are made up of two or more races. That’s 1.7% of the population. With a national average of 2 kids per couple, that means it takes just 2.5 million couples to make that 5 million or, more specifically, 1.25 million whites. There’s 211 million whites in America. The Census figures claim 3.5% of couples are mixed but even that measly figure seems high. Remove the sad nerds who married Asian women and the progressive chubsters who married black guys, and you’re damn near zero. So, WTF? Is any other kind of interracial marriage legal? I thought being an American was about embracing diversity. I feel like John Belushi in Animal House when he yells, “Who’s with me?” and goes charging out of the frat house by himself.
Pee Wee Herman was once asked, “If you love fruit salad so much, why don’t you marry it?” He accepted the challenge and despite his homosexuality, took a bowl of fruit salad as his bride. Americans will elect a black guy if he seems like a better candidate but when it comes down to something serious like marriage—ew. They love blacks less than Pee Wee loves fruit salad. Clinton does have an office in Harlem, true—but the few times he goes there, he’s completely surrounded by bodyguards. He spends the majority of his time at his estate in Chappaqua, the whitest hamlet in the country. American lefties are lucky I’m just kidding about giving two fucks what they think. I chose my squaw wife based on love. If I ended up in a bad situation just because I believed their lies about diversity, I would kick the shit out of each and every one of them.
The question I have to ask about this lie and the lying liars who lie it is, what else are they lying about?
I think when hippies talk about diversity they aren’t talking about sex and love, they are talking about making sure there’s lots of good restaurants within walking distance. (Because they can’t get their shit together enough to buy a car.)
oh please, you married an indian because you were too scared to marry a black, plain and simple.
marrying an indian is like ordering the chicken off the menu in some exotic restaurant. marrying a black would have been like ordering the rattlesnake. you just couldn’t bring yourself to do it.
please, stop patting yourself on the back. where does the joke end with you??
In my community in Canaduh, we have the largest french canadian population outside of Quebec. We even have a “French Quarter” for fucksakes. Three quarters of the people here have one in the woodpile, so to speak (my grandmere actually says that kind of shit).
The aboriginal population is exploding here. in 10 years, 25 % of the population of this province will be aboriginal. PLUS all the rest of us who are halfsies. Meeting, fucking, marrying indians is no biggie here as most of us fit into one category of status or another. We also have a large african (sudanese, chad) and carribean populatons here which is a fucking mystery because its like moving to opposite land climate wise for these people. Cause we’re not as big as NYC, we all mix a bit closer due to a simple space issue. There are only so many places to live, work and get educated here. Its like an interracial orgy up here and its fucking fun. Internet porn will be banging (literally) on our door any minute to get a piece of this action.
Leviticus 19:19 Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.
Have fun in hell racetraitor!
lmao @ “Pee Wee Herman was once asked, “If you love fruit salad so much, why don’t you marry it?” He accepted the challenge and despite his homosexuality, took a bowl of fruit salad as his bride. “
Ha ha ha. I’ve always said this. If we’re all so into diversity, where are all the mud babies? I never knew it was as little as 1.7% Why does everyone pretend people don’t usually just want to be with their own. They don’t HATE other races. They just prefer their own. Why lie about it?
http://torontoist.com/2009/06/diversity_our_photoshopped-in_strength.php
I gave up at “America is too new to care about class”. No way you actually believe what you just said, man. If you do, please come back here for one afternoon, or I don’t know… turn on the television.
You should really share your wife more.
This is a good book about there isn’t really a class system in America.
http://www.amazon.com/Class-Through-American-Status-System/dp/0671792253/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1244745106&sr=8-2
hey guys who want to discuss whether there’s a class system in the USA, please go back to the comments section of brewyourownkombucha.com or whatever boring hippy sites you go to. Taking that as your argument here is LITERALLY less pertinent to the discussion than saying “actually Pee-wee married potato salad” (not claiming this is true BTW).
Diversity is a myth and a damn expensive one at that. The government spends millions trying to convince us we are all color blind. It’s not racist to hang around people that look like you. It’s natural. I don’t hate the other teams. I just like the Chicago Bears the best because they’re my team from my town. Without the other teams we wouldn’t have a game. But I’m going to root for my own team no matter how many Verizon ads tell me I like players from every team.
Oh you’ve done a fantastic job, Gavin. For such a distinctly Canadian character, you can be quite the chameleon.
You really need to get that rosacea looked at. That shit can explode quickly and the next thing you know you are WC Fields. True story.
ha you’re such a crank
He spends the majority of his time at his estate in Chappaqua, the whitest hamlet in the country.
Funny that the whitest hamlet in the USA was once home to a Native American tribe.
Super hot pic of Em ps.
You should have named him Duncan Whitelightning McInnes
You’re even older than you look – they closed Ellis Island in 1954.
she’s so hot
More pics of the misses, please.
You used that joke about “how many people have actually made a minority?” before.
more pictures of the redskin
I can see it now…. “Gavin’s Wife.. Shot by Kern.” She doesn’t look like an Injun, anyway.
I actually married a Southwest Asian Indian girl. I didn’t consciously do it for any reason other than she’s hot, cool and a doctor, i.e., she can take care of herself if need be. If you want to think about it, white chicks are boring, and they age poorly. All those pale skinned hipster hotties on LNP are going to look bad once they pass 36.
HAHAHA!
Inter-race.
Now, I’m half black, but every girl I’ve ever dated has been white. What’s that about! Sometimes I feel like that Australian plot to breed Abos out of the population over 4 generations by subsidizing their marriages to whites…
Other times I just feel educated.
BOOSH!
And if you don’t believe me, just ask BN!
Duncan? Does your wife have a brother?
Havent I read this post ten other times already?
You lost me at the third sentence.
The issues discussed in this post were all I could think of the time I boned a Haïtian girl. Shit was weird.
this website is still racist.
just cause u like to fuck an ethnic means you arent racist?
get the fuck outta here
@this website
I think it would be pretty hard to be taken seriously as a racial purist when you’re a race mixer. Think about it for two seconds.
Your wife is pretty. Did the tribe harsh on you in the early days? Do they still? And is the White in the middle names because of the 1/2 whiteness or something else.
i think i can still smell the hippy flavor on you.
but you’re good at masking it, i’ll give that to you.
and huuuh : ‘undivorced parents’, is that relevant in any way possible when trying to give some context about the author? i’ll never get the amerloques!
I can’t even finish reading this. Whine whine whine.
MOVE TO OAKLAND. None of us fucking care what color you are over here. Or what your religion is. Or whatever stupid shit people care about in NY.
Are you a decent person? Yes? Really?
YOU’RE IN. Pack a bag.
lying liars are in office. there is a class system. wake up. the american people are being hosed right now by an elite class.
do some research. follow the money.
oh and keep up the good work. love the site
Pee Wee married a plate of spaghetti, not fruit salad. Look it up.
In the south we believe in trying our Negro’s before we hang them.
Yeee Haw!
It`s true that when push comes to shove, most people just go with their own race. It`s for the same reason you go to McDonald`s when you`re visiting Hong Kong. You go with what you know.
Don`t forget that 60% of white america still lives in shitty small towns. It`s not like they have a lot of diversity options.
I think that what he meant by no class system is that if you have money it doesn’t matter how much of a hick or thug you are. I’m in vegas right now and I can say there is no “historic” class system here. It’s equality as long as you have the cash to play. In England or France shit don’t go down that way.
@”Don`t forget that 60% of white america still lives in shitty small towns. It`s not like they have a lot of diversity options.”
Read up on Robert Putnam, who conducted the largest “diversity” study in American history. His conclusion was that the more “diverse” an area was, the more people were unhappy and distrusted one another.
In the last election, Obama did best among whites who DIDN’T live in diverse areas.
I married a Mongolian Russian. I win!
[...] il carattere multirazziale degli USA, dopo i difetti quello che funziona meglio nel comedy act è lo stereotipo etnico. È [...]