I have an old friend who currently works at Apple Computer. Yep, you guessed it: he’s fat and disgusting.

I have an old friend who currently works at Apple Computer. Yep, you guessed it: he’s fat and disgusting.

Im sure I’m not threatening his anonymity by revealing that in high-school, his farts were so repulsive that we used to call him “Egg Man.” Don’t worry Eggie: I guarantee Apple employs hundreds of people who match this same description.

Like 99% of Apple’s shlubby employees, Egg Man was not privy to a single detail of the insanely hushed-up and anticipated iPad until its release to the general public last Wednesday.

During the months and months of secrecy and build-up that preceded the iPad announcement, I enjoyed torturing Egg Man by telling him that he was MORE pathetic than the average tablet-speculating webnerd: He WORKED at the damn place and STILL didn’t know shit.

“Well,” he once lamely defended, “I may know one or two things, but I really can’t say.”

“Bull fucking shit,” I told him, “you don’t know a damn thing.”

This past Monday night however, Egg Man’s luck changed.

At around 10:pm EST, I received a video chat request from him. I never get video chat requests from other guys because everyone knows it’s the gayest and most inappropriate thing you can do. When I put on a T-shirt and accepted his request, i saw Egg Man sitting smugly with his pathetic wispy head of hair all neatened and set. Hahaha – effort!!

But that’s where the laughing stopped – motherfuck if he didn’t pull out a real live iPad right then and there, like Steve fucking Colbert himself. There it was, just like on TV, his greasy fingerprints shining off the surface in-between lens flares.

After he bragged and told me a bunch of geeky shit I won’t bore you with, I asked him the obvious:

“Did you Jerk-off with it yet?”

“Not yet,” he replied, “it’s seven o’clock.”

“Go Jerk off with it and buzz me back – you have to let me interview you for Street Carnage.”

After some coaxing and assurances that I wouldn’t reveal his identity, Egg Man agreed.

So here it is everybody – don’t say we never deliver. I now present, for your reading pleasure, the exclusive iChat interview with the VERY first human being to jerk off using the new Apple iPad.

EggMan: Hey.

Benjamin: yo

EggMan: Back.

Benjamin: so???

EggMan: It’s pretty sweet.

Benjamin: haha, dude, are you officially the first person on the planet to jerk off with the tablet?

EggMan: No way. There are tons of dudes on the actual team who have spent years with prototypes.

Benjamin: late nights and whatnot?

EggMan: Ha, exactly.

Benjamin: ok so, tell me what it was like.

EggMan: Well, I sort of felt like you were watching me and waiting for a result, so that was kind of weird

EggMan: Took me a while to get started

Benjamin: after you have sex with an actual woman at some point, you’ll learn how to perform under pressure.

EggMan: But I was able to get into it anyway after a while.

EggMan: Haha, exactly.

Benjamin: alright, so, describe the set up

EggMan: Well, I don’t have a stand, so for a while I propped it up against pillows next to me.

Benjamin: ok, smart

EggMan: But then I realized that the way to go is to hold it in front of your face. it’s so light, like, I kind of stood it on my chest.

Benjamin: ah, gotcha.

Benjamin: so you were lying down.

EggMan: So the images are really up close and it feels very realistic, almost like virtual reality.

EggMan: Yes, lying down with my knees up

Benjamin: So the girl’s asses are right there in your face. That sounds good actually.

EggMan: It got weird because I was one-handed so every time I wanted to navigate I had to lean it back against the pillows to free up my hand

Benjamin: hmm

EggMan: And with 1 hand its impossible to zoom yaknow?

Benjamin: yeah, that sucks!

EggMan: Oh an 1 showstopper- there’s no Flash so I couldn’t really look at any tube sites.

Benjamin: ohhhhh shit, you’re right – I forgot. Whad you do, use all images? Like 1987?

EggMan: Naw, you can still use pornhub but that’s about the only one.

Benjamin: Dude, that actually is a total fucking buzzkill. So basically, no fucking videos.

EggMan: HTML 5 will change that.

Benjamin: Yeah whatever – so basically you can’t watch porn videos on the iPad.

EggMan: Well, pornhub has them.

Benjamin: Yeah great they have like 3 fuckin videos!!!

EggMan: Quality’s really good though.

Benjamin: Get the fuck outta here,quality – I need about 300 videos per wank. iPhone porn fucking BLOWS there’s like 10 videos that are all 29 seconds long. I feel like I’m wanking in 2007 before the porn TUbes REVOLUTION!!!

EggMan: Haha, no i know.

Benjamin: Ok, so that SUCKS. In fact, it’s kind of a dealbreaker.

EggMan: Naw, it’s amazing.

Benjamin: See, you’re jerking off to the fucking iPad itself. That’s not the point of the test! non-fanfags aren’t going to get off on that.

EggMan: Haha, dude, the picture is incredible. so sharp, right in front of your face.

Benjamin: let me ask you this: Did you put your dick on the screen portion?

EggMan: I thought of that but i didn’t.

Benjamin: Why wouldn’t you do that?

EggMan: Well, I thought of like, having to bring it back to work – I only have it for tonight likeI said.

Benjamin: You’re afraid Steve Jobs is gonna dust it for dickprints?

EggMan: lol

Benjamin: No really why wouldn’t you at least try it?

Benjamin: You know you did

EggMan: Haha, how about leakage? I wonder how that would effects the display

Benjamin: WELL WE GAVE AN IPAD TO AN ENGINEER FOR ONE NIGHT AND IT CAME BACK RUINED FROM TEH SEA-MANS

EggMan: Yeah it’s not water proof :\

Benjamin: This is why we can’t have nice things.

EggMan: exactly.

Benjamin: Okay, so you didn’t put your dick on it.

EggMan: Right well -

Benjamin: actually

Benjamin: I kind of see your point. I know my kids would use my iPad too, so… Forget it, I don’t even know if I could wank with it then, let alone put my dick on it.

EggMan: it would probably feel the same as putting your dick on an iPhone screen

EggMan: right.

Benjamin: just smaller

EggMan: right

Benjamin: Maybe fucking the iPhone is better actually – it makes your dick look bigger like a girl with small hands

EggMan: Haha right.

Benjamin: I’ll fuck a yellow iPod nano because I’m into little asian bitches

EggMan: lulz

Benjamin: Ok, so do you have any advice for StreetCarnage readers – should they wait until Flash video is available?

EggMan: Naw, it will never be available.

Benjamin: Great, so there’s no point in buying a iPad as a 21st century jerk-off device?

EggMan: No they definitely should!

Benjamin: Ah, fuck that, you Company Man!

EggMan: You’ll see what I mean when you get one, it’s hard to explain.

Benjamin: For jacking off anyway, it sounds terrible. I’d rather beat off in a gay porno theater – at least they have video.

EggMan: good luck with that.

-BENJAMIN LEO

Follow Benjamin’s tweets on @Street_Carnage

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