I’ll confess my prejudice and bias and bigotry right up front: I don’t like idiots. I am by no means an idiot myself, I have never been an idiot, I don’t empathize with the whole idiot experience, and I don’t even like to associate with idiots.

I’ll confess my prejudice and bias and bigotry right up front: I don’t like idiots. I am by no means an idiot myself, I have never been an idiot, I don’t empathize with the whole idiot experience, and I don’t even like to associate with idiots. I try to avoid them as much as I can, but unless you’re an idiot, you realize that’s impossible.

I’m a discerning man of carefully sculpted tastes and streamlined refinement. I realize that, unlike me, you may be an idiot and not even realize it. Or maybe “idiot” is too harsh a word to describe how stupid you truly are, but you have a lot of trouble spotting idiots, because you tend to surround yourself with them.

Because I am also a highly compassionate man, I’m providing a brief guide to telltale behaviors that no one but an idiot does. There are certain things that idiots just plumb like to do, certain beliefs they just plain like to hold. Like idiot moths drawn to an idiot flame, idiots enjoy performing highly specific acts of idiocy.

There are some things you can do that will forever banish your soul to Idiot Hell. The following items are surefire signs someone’s an idiot-whenever you see someone doing one of these things, you should see a bright red Idiot Flag waving in your head. If you or your friends do, or have done, any of these things, you are…at least partially…an idiot.

POSING FOR A PICTURE WITH RON JEREMY
It is scientifically impossible to offer an intelligent explanation for why anyone would ever want to pose for a snapshot with Ron Jeremy. What would be the point? “Look! I’m really fucked-up, and I’m giving a thumbs-up while standing next to a hairy, potbellied porn star. And we’re both SMILING, dude!” Even the president of Mensa couldn’t help but look like an idiot in such a scenario. I don’t care if you subsequently discover a cure for cancer-if you’ve ever posed for a photo with Ron Jeremy, you are forever banished to Idiotland.

POSING FOR A PICTURE WHILE HOISTING A DRINK AND GOING, “WOOOOOO!!!”
Pretty much the same principles as posing for a picture with Ron Jeremy. Wow, man-you drink! How original! Do you eat food, too? So why don’t I see you posing for pictures while holding up sandwiches and going, “WOOOOOO!!!”? Because you’d look like an idiot!

USING “666″ AS PART OF YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS
I’ve coined a word for people like you: You’re Satarded. You’re retarded about Satan. The Devil doesn’t exist, but if he did, he would screen your cell-phone calls because you’re a fucking dork.

BELIEVING IN ASTROLOGY
I’m not sure whether a belief in astrology results from mental retardation or is the cause of it. The idea that “the stars” are somehow AWARE that humans arbitrarily divide a year into twelve segments, each with a cute symbol assigned to it, much less the notion that “the stars” GIVE A FUCK about it, is evidence of hunter-gatherer cranial simplicity. When anyone asks me what my “sign” is, they’ve already held up an invisible sign to me, one which says, I’M RETARDED.

I share a birthday with warmongering coke-dealer George Bush, Sr., homo crooner Jim “Gomer Pyle” Nabors, and Nazi hors d’oeuvre Anne Frank. And I share NO OTHER PERSONALITY TRAITS with ANY of them. This alone disproves astrology. Case closed.

If you need a horoscope to tell the future, you HAVE no future.

ANYONE WHO DOESN’T LIKE ME OR HAS EVER SAID OR THOUGHT ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT ME
Only an idiot wouldn’t like me.

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