We know you want to kill yourself because you’re fat but get this, we’re all fat. The only people with 6 packs are ten-year-olds, millionaires, and ambitious gays. Get over it. Spring is here and life is beautiful. If you don’t believe us here’s 10 things that make life worth living…

(Mary Meyer picture from Worship Worthy)

#1 THE GIRLS AT WORSHIP WORTHY
The Internet is a rampant dude-fest where the majority of hits go to skateboard accidents and tit discussions. Hence the tsunami of relief that is Worshipworthy.com. It’s a feminine little diamond in a mountain of cocks.

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#2 THESE ACCENTS: JAMAICAN, NIGERIAN AND SCOTTISH
Nigerian is great because it sounds like the guy is underwater and lifting 3,000 pounds at the same time. Then, Jamaican and Scottish come in with so much slang and weird pronunciations you have to basically come from the same block as them to have any idea what they’re talking about. Our ears won’t rest until we hear Rab Nesbitt arguing with one of the guys from Rockers (above) while Afrikan Boy tries to calm them down.

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#3 GATORADE THE NIGHT AFTER A HANGOVER
If you get hangovers as bad as us you don’t really recover all day. You just sit in bed eating ice cream in bed like what’s her name in that famous romcom until it’s time for sleep. Finally, at 4AM, after you’ve been asleep for a few hours, your body comes back to life and is gasping for liquids like a newborn who just came into the world and was really hungover in the womb. How about when you have Gatorade ready at that exact moment and you’re chugging an inhuman amount until it starts filling up every crevice in your body like you’re in an ad for it but less athletic? Heaven.

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#4 PENISES

We’re not saying we love penises or anything like that. Nobody outside of the gays LOVES penises but we do love saying “penises,” especially as a swear word. Like if you drop your fork on a dirty floor you go, “Oh, penises!” instead of “Oh, Shit!”

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#5 WATCHING HORROR MOVIES STONED
It’s one thing to get scared watching horror movies on a rainy afternoon when all your friends are there. Late at night, alone in your apartment, is another story. Now multiply that by the entire multiplication tables by sticking a joint in your mouth. Poop your pants yet? If you saw The Others stoned, you would be so scared you’d be unable to return your ice cream to the freezer because dead people are there so it would just have to melt on the floor.

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#6 EXCITER ALBUM COVERS
Most big brothers were really into Exciter in the 80s. We never really listened to their music but we’re guessing it sounded like most extreme metal: An instantly forgettable onslaught of guitars with some guy screaming at the top of his lungs. Though we have no interest in the band, we’d sure like to meet whoever came up with those album covers. They’re like low budget Scorpions covers but more punk rock and less funny.

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(This is a pork one not the veg)

#7 THE ENDLESS SUMMER TACO TRUCK
This is a mean one if you don’t live in Brooklyn but wow are these tacos good. Usually, when you order something vegetarian at restaurants they give you a meat thing without the meat, or worse they give you some big gross pile of vegetables and assume that’s what you meant. At this place they replace the beef with marinated tofu seitan and it’s so light and refreshing you feel like you just drank a Fanta. If we had to eat at one place for the rest of our lives it would be here.

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#8 DEAF PEOPLE ARGUING
Too bad deaf people aren’t blind because we would love to shamelessly stare the shit out of them the next time two of them have a heated discussion. Moving those limbs around in such a foreign but pre-calculated way is more than just an awesome hand ballet; It’s a testament to human tenacity. Go to it you literary mimes!

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#9 THE END CREDITS TO NATIONAL LAMPOON’S EUROPEAN VACATION
Not exactly our favorite movie but they did this thing at the very end where they wanted to sum up American-ness so they did a photo montage of baseball and big cars and apple pie and subways. Whoever put it together knew their shit about photography because every shot looks like it should be a mural in an art gallery. Wait, Michael Moore directed this?

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#10 COCO ROSIE
From Donna Deliva: “I’ve always loved girl bands. Even 30 years before I was born, I was into girl groups like The Supremes and The Shirelles and The Shangri-Las. Today I’m into MIA because she keeps me pumped when I work out and Santogold because she makes me feel cool (gayest thing to say ever) but Coco Rosie will always be my top pick. They’re weird and ethereal and pretty and they pull together everything girls like: horses, opera, ballet, funny toys, old rap, beautiful string instruments, female design websites, weird accents, satisfying drinks, funny words, getting scared, corny horror art, delicious tacos, finger-talking, accidental photo galleries, and girl bands. Damn this list is girly. “

Related posts:

1. DESPERATE LIVING
2. MID-LIFE CRISCYCLE
3. L.O.E.M.: THE LIFE AND TIMES OF TIM
4. ARON: MY LIFE IN T-SHIRTS
5. DEAR STREET BONERS,

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