I know what you’re thinking: “I really want to go check out all the awesome, edgy music at the Coachella Arts Festival, but do I really have to commune with all those dirty hippies?”
I know what you’re thinking: “I really want to go check out all the awesome, edgy music at the Coachella Arts Festival, but do I really have to commune with all those dirty hippies?”
Rest easy, this year the organizers of the festival and Goldenvoice have teamed up to show you that they understand your need to be distinguished from the unwashed masses of peasants that typically gather at liberal arts festivals.
You spend your average day occupying the upper echelon of society’s hierarchical structure, basking in the privilege that accompanies extreme socioeconomic success, so why reduce yourself to having to speak with, or potentially be touched, by someone who makes less than $100k?
Compromise no more!
Behold:
This year’s Coachella offers a number of upper-end camping options that will allow you to approximate the secluded insularity of the gated community you most likely live in.
For $1,000 – $1,600 consider the Lake Eldorado camping option:
Click to enlarge
“But at that price range it’s still possible for middle-class income earners to pool together resources with their friends to purchase a tent at Lake Eldorado!”
Duly noted.
If you’re seeking a more complete segregation from the uncivilized barbarism typical of low-income earning liberals, you may want to consider renting a Safari Tent. They are sensibly priced at $5,000 for the first 2 occupants + $1,250 per additional occupant.
Rest assured that all Mexicans and newly immigrated citizens will be effectively priced out of the Safari camping experience. No more being accidentally hit by a hacky sack, no more patronizing acoustic sing-alongs and no more being trapped in elitist conversations about obscure b-sides.
With regard to the festival itself, it’s suggested that you combine your Safari or Lake Eldorado accommodation with a VIP weekend pass (additional $699.00):
When used in conjunction with a Safari tent, the VIP pass makes it theoretically possible for you to go through the entire weekend without having to speak to any “ordinary” people. Simply watch any of the scheduled shows from the remote VIP area, where you will be able to socialize with other VIPs at your discretion, then immediately following the show, retreat to the modern comfort of your hotel-style accommodation.
Additionally, you will be given special wristbands to wear throughout the duration of the festival that will clearly indicate, at a glance, your elite status to all other festival goers.
The Coachella Festival staff understand that cultural events are an important moment for you to assert your superiority. You are unique, successful and special — this should be reflected in every aspect of your concert experience.
Please know that while all remain welcome, you are the most welcome of all.
nice one.
Alright.
Great post.
Are these people fucked? Who is gonna pay 5 thousand dollars for a tent with IKEA furniture?
I clean ah sheet, is berry loud!
Great post, Fool. But why should distinguished Patricians stop at a $5,000 safari tent? In the end, they still have to commingle with plebeians on the festival grounds. But no more!
For a mere $2,500 per hour, chRon Patrician Services International will furnish a harem of scantily-clad concubines to provide palm-frond-fanning and grape-peeling services around the clock. Discerning clients can also reserve a climate-controlled palanquin, chauffeured by a host of four indentured servants from a marginalized ethnicity of choice. Whoever said “Money can’t buy happiness” obviously never had any!
I got this same lineup booked for the following weekend, for my niece’s bat-mitzvah. Hell it costs 5k just to elevator the Chinook up to the deck.
Get a bunch of kids together and rent a house with a pool in Palm Desert. Make a week out of it and bring enough drugs to last…which is way more than you’d think you’ll need.
you’re are the most welcome of all.
Wow! the Kings of Leon and Kenny West are headlining. Now I feel good about staying home.
$1,000 for a teepee??? Do they send a little injun girl over each night to make you feel heap big horny?
those teepees are racist
Ha ha. Going to Coachella. Good one.
If I was rich I would hire a bunch of Mexicans sitting in front of Home Depot to carry me around in one of those portable thrones.
You could probably get 10 Mexicans to carry you around all weekend for 200 bucks.
I bet those dudes in the Safari tents get tons of poon though.
I like how Barf, Chloe, and the rest of the gang roll like this on the regular @ coachella, yet it still serves as satirical fuel for the plebs of this site
@ iwontslowdown
And therein lies the messy contradiction old lifestyle “punkers” like Barf and Gav have to justify on the regular. I would stay away from the masses if somebody else, you know…like Chloe, was paying for the accommodations.
Coachella isn’t troglodyte Bonnarroo (which is waaaay more intense and psychoticdelic). Coachella is all class. comfort. style. beautiful people from Southern California. even amongst the “masses” the style is clean. Coachella is still…and probably…the best festie in N. America. say what you like about the acts and trends, etc. but the line-up is pretty sick and a triumphant validation of the Williamsburg/Wicker Park/Mission District/Echo Park/Capitol Hill/Alberta St. cultural revolution.
this is by far the worst coachella lineup of all time. kings of leon? kanye west? the black keys? arcade fire? the strokes? can you imagine how many jocks are using their credit cards right now? the only interesting acts are nosaj thing and the suede reunion. I do like the national, warpaint, and broken social scene but mark my words: this festival is catered toward “casual music listeners” from here on out, and by “casual music listeners” I mean people who could give a shit about anything else besides talking about other shows they have been to while a band is performing right in front of them, trying to score “heady drugs,” and taking as many pictures as possible to make their friends jealous on social networks.
@ White Power…you are sound completely oblivious
@Anon…Preach
Ride on. If I had money and wished to go to a music festival why the fuck would I want to put up with all the shit and rabble. For people earning a decent wage this may be the only way that they can guarantee they will have an enjoyable experience.
Pshh…Burning Man is so much more baller, bro.
a huge music festival is a huge music festival. they’ve been going on for years. it isn’t underground. it’s a friggin’ massive festival. take it for what it is and have fun or don’t go. nosajason thing? okay. yeah. he’s okay. fun visuals. maybe one day he’ll be massive. and yeah it’s the same ol’ acts that bubbled up from the last decade, but they are all acts with big game. and everything that was going on in those neighborhoods for the last 10 years will be on full display in all it’s commercial glory. oblivious.
The main idea is that Death From Above 1979 are back.
Ah rembah back in mah day a festival was nothin more than some bar bque whiskey and good friends all gathered round the negra lynchin pole. Those were good times.