“Yo, pass that shit over here, BITCH” “Wait till I’m done, FAGIT.” My big giant dyke friend looked up at me over the Pad Thai, and we both broke character and started cracking up.
“Yo, pass that shit over here, BITCH”
“Wait till I’m done, FAGIT.”
My big giant dyke friend looked up at me over the Pad Thai, and we both broke character and started cracking up. She was shoveling that shit onto her plate because she was a big giant fat-ass. I knew that we should have ordered more than one fucking Pad Thai, but everyone always wants to “branch out” and order exotic vegetable shit they won’t eat, and instead they end up eating MY FUCKING NOODLES.
She was cool as shit – all big and rough and funny as hell like a big disgusting Irishman. She was basically a dude- I would literally have rather fucked Ned Beatty than her, cause at least he’s famous. She was physically revolting – hard to look at too closely, I’m sorry: Hairy lip, big obese chipmunk cheeks with that downy fur, and a big neck like a lesbian tree trunk.
Her name was Dana and she was my big dyke friend; I met her in college getting high somewhere. I thought she was cool because she was such a novelty- I know that’s fucked up, but in the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that if she hadn’t been such a big giant dyke I probably wouldn’t have stayed in touch with her.
I guess I’m like those liberal guys who try to befriend midgets and black people.
Anyway, we were friends – in college we would smoke weed and play Mortal Kombat, and eventually when we got older we’d go out for dinner with my wife and Dana’s live-in girlfriend Dahlia – a thin, sweet, femmy girl with beautiful shapely tits and a white smile.
What the FUCK? Dana always had these tender girl-next-door looking christian hotties who I would have dated. I never understood how ALL of them could have been attracted to her fat hairy ass.
So that night, we were at this Thai place on 2nd ave – “The Holy Basil” – talking shit and calling each other names like juvenile delinquents. Our spouses clearly thought it was odd and uncomfortable for two 30-year-olds to be cursing at each other so foully in the middle of a nice-ish Saturday Night dinner. We were enablers of each other, and I always had this hypocritical feeling that our spouses tolerated our crude behavior solely because of mine and Dana’s celebrity minority status: We didn’t want to lose our big dyke friend – and they certainly didn’t want to lose their black one.
We had drunk a fair amount at that point, and that’s why I was extra gruff in asking her to pass the Pad Thai. I had spent the cocktail hour staring at her hot-ass girlfriend, and just working my balls into a frenzy. I was like a drunken, agro scientologist in front of fresh meat; given some alone time, I knew I could turn her.
Well, my ball swellage plus the liquor plus the licensed crudeness of the evening was a recipe for bad news: I started to really talk shit.
“Can I ask you a question, and I don’t mean it in a fucked up way – what is up with the whole pairing thing in the gay community – you know how like – the opposites attract thing? Like Bears and Otters and Butches and Femmes and shit? Why is there always one of each in a relationship?”
“There’s not always one of each.”
“c’mon, you know there’s always one GUY in the relationship – you know what I’m talking about, don’t front.”
“Yeah, I know what you’re talking about but it’s not always true.”
“Alright, fuckin… why is it usually true?”
“I dunno, why do YOU like girls?”
They laughed, and it burned my drunken face a little.
“Well like, no offense Dahlia,” I said, “you’re by FAR my favorite woman that Dana has ever dated, but like, Dana, you gotta admit that in general, you have tended to date girls that are like, more traditionally feminine than you, yaknow?”
“Rather than big hairy dykes?”
Everyone laughed except my wife, who prayed for the ground to open and swallow her whole.
“Yeah, exactly.”
Then Dahlia opened her mouth: “Blognigger, Dana is STONE BUTCH.” – and then Dana kind of gave her a smack.
“Yeah, I can see that,” I said.
“Even though you don’t know what it means,” Dahlia said, and she laughed, with Dana looking pissed.
“No, I know what it means,” I said, like a five-year-old.
“No, you don’t,” she said, and they chuckled like annoying cunts.
“Ok, what does it mean?”
“It means,” she said, looking a little red-faced herself, “that I don’t touch her.”
“Wha?”
Dana was looking down at her plate and stabbing shit onto her fork for the shovin’. I guess this is where she started to feel uncomfortable. She looked up.
“Stone Butch son; nobody touches me.”
Maybe you knew this, but I didn’t: A Stone Butch Dyke is a lesbian that does NOT get touched during sex. They fuck the femme one with a strap on, and the femme one fellates the dildo and jacks it off and stares up at her, but she never touches the dyke’s vagina; nobody does.
It was one of the few times in recent history that I’ve ever been truly floored – I thought these big dykes were so militant, so proud! How could they be so ashamed and insecure that they wouldn’t let their lovers touch their bodies? And how could they ever preach pride?
They just let their vaginas sit there and atrophy, and they receive no stimulation – no orgasm? Pathetic, in the truest sense of the word.
It completely ran antithetical to my perception of big-fat-dykes as these creatures of power and pride. Nothing about the “Stone Butch” lifestyle reflects pride or sexual liberation – it’s just sad and awful. And further, to legitimize it with a name and a movement sounds like some grotesque thinspiration anorexic-and-proud shit.
They say it’s about power – horseshit: It’s the action of an ashamed and damaged victim of abuse and society who isn’t comfortable enough with their own bodies to let their lovers touch them.
Stone Butch Pride? Pride in your shame? Think of a big fat dyke not wanting to be touched – admit that it’s OBVIOUS that the reason they don’t want to be touched is because they feel so fat and ugly and self-conscious. How can you be proud of that?
So, here’s how I lost my big dyke friend: I was honest with her. I was gentle, but I was honest.
“Nobody touches you? What does that mean? Don’t you want to feel pleasure?”
“I do feel pleasure, you just don’t understand.”
“Really?”
“Yes, and fuck off.”
“Ok but,” – and at that point, I guess I entered a zone of Larry Davidy pushiness that led her to never wanted to talk to me again – “wouldn’t it seem that if you LOVED the person you’re with that you’d WANT them to touch you? Isn’t that core to the whole experience of sex? Being touched?”
I kept going, even after I felt it go over the edge. I still remember the point where she gave me a hurt, relationship-severing glare. Even after that, I kept going. It just didn’t make any sense to me, and after years of being her friend because she was a dyke, I just felt a hypocritical and misplaced sense of having to keep it real. Nah, it was worse: I had to hurt her; there was in me an evil urge to break her spirit.
I don’t know if I broke her spirit, but I certainly broke our friendship; a friendship that would have been just fine. I sure showed her.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
WELL I AM NOT A GAY SO I DO’NT KNOW BUT I THINK THE BEST PART OF BEING IN A GAY RELATIONSHIP ITS THAT A GAY NEVER NEEDS TO SIT IN A DUMB UGLY CHAIR IN THE CORNER OF VICTORIA SECRET WHILE HIS GF DIG THROUGH A BIG BUSHEL OF CHEAP PANTY’S THAT SAY ‘COOCHIE’ ON THE BUTT [SENSE WHEN IS THE COOCHIE IN THE BUTT?]
You should write for a sports channel.
honestly this was none of your business. you have some pretty accurate insights into relationships usually but the dudes on this site seem to think that with enough prodding or convincing you can totally DE MYSTIFY someone else’s sexual identity. not getting her pussy touched is WRONG? and SHAMEFUL? there are a lot of things at work when sex is involved, people use it for all different reasons. maybe she feels sexual satisfaction from the control she has over her girl, or just gets off mentally on her beauty and the manipulation of her body. it’s not up to you to judge this, and you don’t deserve to have friends that GO THROUGH THE TROUBLE OF EXPLAINING something as complex as their sexuality to you at some fucking thai restaraunt if you are just gonna be a fucking know it all dick about it. clearly people work their shit out. sexual pleasure doesn’t just involve what you can wrap your head(s) around. go get some more handjobs from hookers and shut your fucking ignorant mouth.
nothing quite like a middle aged hipster with the mind of a 22 year old asshole to really feel good about the male gender
methinks homeless has some body issues..
that was not me by the way.
When the alarrm reing and i read this pig feces about FAT and BLACK and HOMOSEXXUEL america i feeling needs to vomit and expunge boweles all over my wife and offsprings.
I do not know how to expressing my revlusion of all oF YOU there. I dont’ even knowing.
but someday you will be slaves and labours and food for all of Chinna!
from PReck_
Can I just say, I’m glad “Homeless” came back and said the first comment wasn’t really him. He’s one of the commenters I do respect, and after I saw that psycho diatribe I immediately took him down a notch.
BN, put away the Morton!
you are going to make me join twitter asshole
There has got to be a safe place for questioning peoples sexuality. I’m not saying we shouldn’t let people fuck, get hitched, and visit in the hospital etc. whomever they choose. Hell they can even turn their genitals inside out and pop hormones if they want to. That doesn’t mean we can’t ask one another questions.
there is nothing wrong with you, you consider her a friend, and with friends you feel an obligation to be brutally honest, mix some booze in there and that is when shit gets a little weird, you, with what you thought was a no holds bar friendship, determined to make her understand so that she can enjoy one of the best things life offers us, sex, and her, with her insecurities on the table, backs into her shell, like a scared turtle. The roots of that girls issues run deep my friend. She cannot be your friend anymore because although she respects your honesty, when she sees you, she will always be reminded of who she really is and hate herself for it.
I always roll that way man, tough love, the ones who come around thank me for it, the ones who don’t, fuck em.
“You’re either on the bus, or you’re off the bus.
From my experience (so shut the hell up) sexuality is fairly flexible once you get over the contrived, self-imposed limits and boundaries.
I’m always scheming ways to “turn” the hottie pixie dykes.
Oh shit! That reminds me of my dream last night. I dreamed I was making out with a lesbian. Just trying to “turn” a hottie pixie dyke and she fully shoved her tongue down my throat. It was hot as fuck too. I recall being full-on turned on by this.
Then at some point she (my hottie pixie dyke) starts fingering me. FINGERING me. In my twat! I woke up and my taint was STILL tingling.
I think I’m a lesbian now.
If you can’t ask a friend a hard question, then they are really just a casual acquaintance.
I had two lesbian neighbors who used to be really really into wrestling. I guess they would bruise themselves a lot, and they were convinced the downstairs neighbors hated them for their racket (and for being a pair of godforsaken dykes).
Anyways, one was really dyke-y and the other was not. They were probably this whole thing, of which you spoke. Thanks for the tip. Also do you think there’s a chance I could bone the less dyke-y one? Was that subject drunkenly broached?
when I was at school I dated this girl who had a gay friend and I was always high when I encountered him/it so the specifics of this may not be recalled with the utmost clarity but he was a gay (not gay?) F to M transgender who didn’t yet have a dink and was involved with a lesbian who wanted nothing to do with his imaginary as yet dink. i had it explained to me three times before i realized that my problem was I had no idea how they did it, so i kept harassing my girlfriend to ask and finally she did and she got back to me and said that they would go to the gay bar and pick up some dude and the F to M tran would blow the guy and the lesbanese would watch and play scrabble or whatever’s a cool new way to refer to a girl getting herself off. after that I was like “gay people are weird” and i settled down and had a wife and a kid and i’m gonna send the kid to private school.
PEOPLE ON THIS SITE LOVES TO SUCK THE BALLS OF WHATS LEFT OF SHITTY VICE MAGAZINE. YOU THINK THESE MORONS ARE THE VOICE OF GOD? JUST MISERABLE AND UNINFORMED. THIS DUDE DOESN’T KNOW SHIT.
nice to see Preck_ representing.
Heartfelt post BN. Good
I kind of take offence to that because Mr. Goad’s and Mr. Jenkin’s tweets make me feel like God is tweeting. What exactly do you mean by “uninformed?”
^preck_s the bestest. And for god sake’s bn, have u no consideration for the other people in the restaurant? the last thing i wanna hear about while eating my pad thai and thai iced tea is the weird intricacies of how gays try to jerry rig their junk to get it to function in complete counterproductive ways.
If y’all were friends and not just ‘tokens’, things would have ended different….but, here’s one explanation for ya: we like girls, particularly straight girls. When a girl advertises she is a little bi-curious, we jump through that window of oppotunity. Then we give them the best night they’ve ever had, and in the morning they are coming out to their moms. Now god love ‘em, those straight girls don’t know how to eat pussy but even though they can’t reciprocate sometimes we stay with them because they are lost little puppies without us and we buy them flowers and walk their yippie dogs, but eventually, we come to our senses once the pussy whip is wore off.
This is weirdly insightful. Seems out of place here.
omg… this post was an epiphany. It makes so much sense!! Stone Butch…. who knew???
Unfortunate that you lost the friendship, but it sounds to me like she’s been playing the role of a hard ass butch dyke, when in fact she was, “… an ashamed and damaged victim of abuse and society who isn’t comfortable enough with their own bodies to let their lovers touch them”. You didn’t even know her.
thank you for keeping it real. agreeing w/loosejuice, but thank god you have soul. loves.
Jesus that stone dyke above sounds like such an arrogant cunt. Best night of their lives? Nice try. More like you give them aids
and warts.
BN IS SUCH A FUCKING HATER. YOU GOT A NARROW POINT OF VIEW HONEY, YOU DON’T HAVE A FUCKING PHD IN PSYCHOTHERAPY AND HUMAN SEXUALITY AND WHATEVER ELSE WOULD QUALIFY YOU TO DEEM AN ENTIRE GAY SUB-GENRE AS “PATHETIC” OR “ATROPHIED” OR WHATEVER OTHER HARSH JUDGEMENTS YOU PASS FROM YOUR AWESOME POSITION OF LOSER WHO WRITES FOR A BLOG THAT IS ABOUT 1/9TH AS FUNNY AS VICE WAS 5 YEARS AGO. YOU WANNA KNOW WHATS SAD? A GROWN ASS MAN WITH A TWITTER. SHIT IS FUCKING RETARDED.
Who cares what he said? Does everyone have to be a saint according to what you think a saint is supposed to be be? Save it for your mama, stinky. It’s an entertaining story.
7.8
you love love love love
shitty
hipster
stuff
a cheerleader for vice leftoverz? </3 aw
i learned something today. thank you mr. blognigger! I cant wait to explain “stone cold butch” to me wee ones
chick was touched by her uncle…
i second what people have said about you judging her sex life and generally being an asshole.
but my point is, you call her “physically revolting” and then get to complain that she is “insecure and ashamed” and shit. REALLY?
oh please.
@ vanessuck
yes, i do.
Bn’s greatest talent is this: making these stories up every week, getting you to believe that they actually happen, and then enlisting and soliciting your emotions and frequently rage.
There was no ‘Muslim Teacher’ from a few weeks ago, and there is no ‘Giant Dyke’
It’s astounding that you, the biggest skeptical cynics on earth, keep believing this shit from week to week, getting angry at the content and mad at bn for his actions- but never realizing that it’s all fiction.
Respek BN- you’re a talented man.
I think BN hit a little too close to home for some of these damaged ladies. Sorry, girls, but if you seriously think that not being touched is something to take pride in you’re as retarded as straight-edge idiots who never have a drink (or as BN said, the pro-anorexia ‘tards.)
@BN: I have been through this kind of thing where I push a friendship beyond the breaking point quite a few times myself. I’ve come to realize though that when I do this it’s because I really am tired of the relationship and want to be rid of it, whether I consciously realize it or not. If I still valued it I would have stopped myself.
Some good shit. Always learn stuff from you, and have my thoughts stimulated. Keep up the good work.
Ha, psych! BORING!
i was sitting on my stoop and some gay guy came up to me and started hitting on me and tried to trick me into some conversation where i bitch about how i hate my parents or some shit because i said one (sarcastic) thing about my dad. those people got issues.
you are everything that’s wrong with nyc. get out of my city and go back to whatever twat breeding ground you came from. which is it? florida? maryland? ohio? so many shitty wanna be new yorker girls, if only they made some kind of giant roach trap to get ridda’ you cunts…
Vanessuck was born and raised in Rochester.
That second one with the ‘psych’ wasn’t me, obviously.
Entertaining stuff bn.
too long nigger, maybe next time
i am a giant dyke!
the other day i was thinking how fucking rad it would be if BN’s shit was all fiction.
The last two posts weren’t mine, by the way. They even fake posted correcting about the fake post.
Well played ‘Fake’ Dripping Vaginal Infection. Well played.
well that just illustrates the difference between men and women. A guy would get over that shit by next weekend.
lol @ u –
very good point.
I learned something new today. And I would have the same first impression that you did about self-confidence, obesity, etc. Maybe because I am also an ill-informed hetero male.
You asked what the fuck is wrong with you? You’re too honest. But that’s why we read.
Peace
this actually made me feel pretty sad
at first glance I thought tldr, but once I got started I ate this shit up
very good stuff as always, blognigger
It’s a fake it till you feel it thing, right?
Correct spelling please fucktard.
This is a really sad story.
I’m as new to the notion of stone butch after reading this as you were above. And yeah, the notion of Stone Butch is foreign to me. But man, you lost a potentially great friend and then trivialized it with a rather insensitive recollection of it.
I don’t know if she knows who BN is, but, “wtf is wrong with me?” isn’t going to mend that.
I hope this is just a story and you’re not selling out friends for the Pampers fund.
Wish SB had an edit function. Fuck.
u pwned her
Good story. People who don’t like to be touched in their privates? Jesus, that sounds like 80% of married couples. I feel sorry for Stone Butchers.
Thanks for helping us ‘commom’ folks learn something that we didn’t know.
I agree with you and others…. sad.
I wonder how a BN / Dan Savage team-up would roll. Like a Marvel / DC cross-over.
Superman: Spider-man, quick! Web up Lex Luthor & Joker!
Spider-man: Do I look like your SLAVE?
“mo”?
I think this was a very honest and sad story. I had to read “Stone Butch Blues” in college and I never picked up on the fact that she did “Fuck” her gfs with a strap on, and never was touched herself. She was a victim of horrible sexual abuse and it brings up the awkward and weird topic of yes, of course you are born gay, but is it true that a lot of lesbians (not so sure about ‘mos) have been abused by men? I guess I should googs a study…
right right rochester right right right right right. brooklyn streetz bitch. ya’ll the type of bitches that get their faces smashed into the rim of the sink @ the bar bathroom…see ya there…
i hope yr kids turn out gay you stupid fuck
Fact or fiction, blognigger is a great writer. Would those of you rushing to include this particular sexual fetish within the confines of healthy behavior be so quick to do so if this was a straight white male? This wasn’t an attack on homosexuality. I’d also venture to guess that the majority of stone butch ladies out there are not interested in your bullshit pity party.
BN, standard social decorum would dictate that you back off from your intense line of questioning. There’s a time and a place for almost everything, and dinner at the thai restaurant was neither. (If this actually happened at all). You remind me of my friend Jim, too smart for your own good so much of the time.
BN – Don’t feel bad. I’m a gay dude and my friendships with lesbos never lasted more than a couple months.
aw
I was sexually molested by one of my mom’s friends and loved every minute of it. Of course I was 25 years old and truth be told I kinda hit on her/initiated contact after her hubby died, but it was still a little weird. Maybe I should join a support group or something?
@vane$$a
Was that your mom’s friend Steven?
No, her name is Morah. I got my gay phase out of the way before the age of 10.
@vane$$a: Support groups are the very best places to score sex and drugs. Do it!
Yeah man I know I’ve been going to AA for like 4 months now and it’s been one hell of a ride, if you know what I mean. I’m always looking for an excuse to join a new support group. Bill Wilson was a total genius.
The in res media beginning felt a little tired (‘OOOO, we’re right in the midst of shit!’) but aside from that it was entertaining and surprisingly sincere. Thanks for not going down the ‘black people drive a car like this – cool/real. White people do it like that – lame/uptight’ route.
Hey Europe the band- fuck you. I’ve sen your open mic entry. I wrote 70% of these comments
enlightening
I might have reacted similarly but on second thought people reserve the right to spin strengths out of their “weaknesses”. Right blogNigger? (no pejorative-o)
@ Vanessa – That was very funny about the “molested” thing, if it was meant as a joke – I can see some sort of alternate universe groucho marx saying that. If not,Why do you call it molested then?
That’s how we Islams do it too….no touching. The man jerks off in a dish, and it is carried by a camel to the woman, three tents over. Then it is placed inside her Untouchable Cavern by her oldest sister.
What’s so weird?
There are all sorts of crayolas in the box and flesh is no longer peach colored in this brave new world… BN made the same mistake we all do – projecting our own trip as axiomatic and universal. If there are strong elements of shame to this particular sub group, bfd. No matter how you slice it all our sexuality comes up weird – witness virtually all porn. Wish I could put a name to the bizarro constellation of reltionship/horniness buttons that make up my fluid – and sometimes stagnant – sexuality. Shit at least homegirl had enough of a recipe to earn herself a float at pride/shame celebrations or at least an entry in urbandictionary.
BN’s vibe comes off as a gentle if tourettic soul – as much of an arrested adolescent as any of us on the interwebs – and he’s still nuzzling towards that lactating mommy tit that dried up long ago. Thus sex is comfort and love and affirmation or a reasonable facsimile. I can relate. I got no idea what it might be like walkin around looking like a castrated Charles Durning – and props to hairydyke for scoring those high quality femmes.
No wanting to be touched? It may be internalized disgust, but at least StoneButch knows what she wants and can name it. Fuck if I could say the same. Gotta imagine she’d talk with a grain of salt the deconstruction of her identity from the chimerical likes of BN -straddling black and white worlds and obviously still a little wacked by it.
I thought we’re only allowed to judge illegal sexual proclivities? What exactly did you want her to say, “Yes, I’m so ashamed of myself I don’t want anyone to touch me,” right there at the table? I’ll bet your wife will never stop giving you shit for this, which might be punishment enough.
If someone likes to be peed/pooped on or otherwise degraded, do you automatically assume that they are ashamed of themselves and force a line of questioning? Or was she just an easy (slow-moving, anyway) target?
9.7 on the asshole scale
hee haw and merry christmas!
who is that vane$$uck person?
they just keep randomly commenting in trying to be super mean and hardcore over the internet.
please get a life:)
by the by liked the post, poor stone butches.
ever though she may just be gender confused? maybe she hates the fact shes female and pretending shes a guy really gets her motor running?
I did it once with a dyke. Clit like a penis. Ughh!
I tell you people, I was not ready, when I fucked this dyke by the name of Freddie…