I love October. There’s the whole pumpkin ale thing, the perfect weather, getting presents from everyone, pants — oh wait, sorry. You probably don’t get presents in October, unless you’re a Libra like me.

I love October. There’s the whole pumpkin ale thing, the perfect weather, getting presents from everyone, pants — oh wait, sorry. You probably don’t get presents in October, unless you’re a Libra like me. I mean, you might be a Scorpio, but nothing can please your god-awful mood swings. Not even a lap dance or cupcakes.

Just kidding, Scorpios aren’t that bad once they’ve had their Lamictil for the day. And Libras are huge slobs. Anyways, let’s talk about you and how much the Zodiac says your life sucks this month!

ARIES
That asshole at work is a relentless ranter, right? Your company’s “honest and open communication” policy is becoming a real bore with this bitchmaid. Resist punching him in the face because financial matters are about to come to a head — not necessarily in a bad way, but you really don’t need to be owing your brother bail money right now. Something about Saturn’s axis or some shit says that you’ve got money on your mind, so focus that Aries anger into investments, not decking the office douchebag.

TAURUS
You and your girl are like an even more retarded version of that retardedly catchy Eminem music video. Break-up sex, make-up sex — sometimes you find yourself wishing you could have regular sex. Wish no more. Mid-month, you’ll find yourself enjoying a normal, happy, totally lame night in with your girlfriend. The flame has been rekindled, or something. Now that you don’t have to get rid of your girl, you can focus on getting Rihanna’s voice out of your head.

GEMINI
Watch yourself. You’re skating on thin ice, bro. The ice might thicken out soon, but one wrong move and you could be dealing with social hypothermia. As a Gemini, you aren’t particular known for your tact or grace, but you are known for being annoyingly cheery. Keep an eye on your step. If you do, you’ll be swimming in free beer and pussy, with not a pink slip (or pink bumps) in sight.

CANCER
Around the 24th, big things will be poppin’. Everything is perfect these days, from work to your new girl’s ass. Although it’s intense, this level of bliss is here to stay. Keep up keepin’ up ’cause it’s been a while since you’ve been this happy. Well, at least since your last bong hit.

LEO
Jesus, stop crying. You’re a grown-ass man. I think you need an emotional makeover. Everyone has been commenting on how abrasive and miserable you’ve been — well, more abrasive and miserable than usual. Lighten up and get out of town. That way people will actually miss you being around. When you come back, I predict a raise, a new client or even a whole new job.

VIRGO
I don’t know why people call being a jobless bum “funemployment.” Being the only sober person at your best friend’s birthday is not only pathetic, but also not fun. Thank God you’re getting that job. Whether you were un- or under-employed, things are about to get real. Not so fast though, big spender. Make sure you pay everyone back in a timely matter. While Mars is in your solar house right now, you’re susceptible to becoming the King Midas of beef — and not in the hamburger way. Don’t worry too much, though. Everyone’s just glad you’re finally retiring the couch as your office.

LIBRA
Happy birthday to both of us! Although it is our month, it’s not looking so hot. As in, cool it on the credit card, bro. Libras are known for their extravagant spending and excellent taste. However, this is not the time to pretend like you are T.I. and do “the ol’ sugar daddy” and drop wads on your new girl. I mean, come on, it’s 2010, does anyone have stacks on deck? Venus is in Libra’s house of communications, so spend more time talking up your dick than your wallet. It’ll probably work this time.

SCORPIO
Sorry I talked shit on you earlier. You are one moody bastard though, Scorpio, and this month is no exception. Except, for once, when you go into your usual recluse mode, you’ll actually get shit done. Try to stay in that mode of keeping productive, as your charts are pointing to the reemergence of a bad habit. Whether that bad habit is an ex-girlfriend or Call of Duty, nip it in the bud before it even blooms. The roll you’re on right now is too good to be stopped by something stupid.

SAGITTARIUS
Well princess, it looks like you’re coming out of social hibernation and luckily, the stars would have it be that the cosmic climate is perfect for partying. All these bars, concert and parties are great, right? You feel like you’re some popular character in a shitty show your sister watches Monday nights. But along with all these delusions of television grandeur comes complication in your love life. Reduce the risk of coming off like a douchebag and wait before changing your Facebook relationship status. Just trust me on this one.

CAPRICORN
If work is for jerks, you’re the ultimate shithead. Luckily, you love it, so October is going to be a great month for you. Around the 22nd, take your suit to the dry-cleaner. A lucrative business deal is in the works, and you’re part of it in a major way. Congrats and “yay!” on your new career. Just remember, dude: There are things in life besides your 11-7.

AQUARIUS
When I was little, I spent a lot of time on this farm in the Ozarks. There were meth labs, miniature donkeys and a substantial geriatric population. I remember being about 9 years old when my ancient neighbor told me this very, very wise hillbilly proverb: “Live in a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.” Basically, you need to chill out, dude. Your behavior hasn’t been commendable as of late, and you’re starting to piss everyone off. Towards the end of the month, your impulses to imbibe entire bottles of tequila will taper off, but stay on guard. Opportunity is a-lurkin’, and you wouldn’t want to fuck it up this time, would you?

PISCES
Cool, calm and collected is usually the way you rock. Try to keep it that way this month. A lot of slop is about to be dropped onto your proverbial plate and you’ll need those nerves of steel. Thank god that slop is piles of money. Dollars do grow on trees, at least in your world. Just stay kickin’ it like a cucumber and you’ll watch those stacks grow tall.

-AUDREY JAPBURN
FoodforDorks.com

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