In the spirit of Louis CK’s trip to Iraq, I have decided to bring my unique flavor of stand-up comedy to my hometown of Glasgow, Scotland. This may be a bit tricky as I don’t actually do stand-up.
In the spirit of Louis CK’s trip to Iraq, I have decided to bring my unique flavor of stand-up comedy to my hometown of Glasgow, Scotland. This may be a bit tricky as I don’t actually do stand-up. Ready? Here goes…
DAY ONE
Got here at the crack of dawn this morning. Went up to the baggage carriers and asked if John Smeaton was working today. They got kind of pissed and said, “Smeaton? No thanks.” He’s the guy who kicked the shit out of some terrorists who were on fire and later said to the press, “Glasgow doesnae accept this, if you come tae Glasgow, we’ll set about you.” Despite being the coolest thing to come out of Scotland since Braveheart, plenty of Glaswegians resent Smeato. Know why? Because they are OBSESSED with the underdog. They HATE success because it reminds them of England (Canadians are the same way with America) and if you are too good at anything they will X you for life. You wouldn’t believe the lame excuses Glaswegians use to begrudge Smeato of his fame. My uncle Strachan said, “He wasnae meant to be outside having a cigarette. Baggage handlers are meant to stay inside. He shouldn’t have even been there” and my cousin nodded before adding, “There were plenty of other staff at the airport who did more. He’s just smooth with the press.” For fuckssakes McInneses, gee us a break.
It’s worth noting this phenomenon is strictly for the older folk and young Glaswegians have no problem giving high-fives to heroes. A local paper has recognized this and given Smeato his own column in an attempt to get younger readers…
So yeah, if a Glaswegian is under 30 he’s not going to begrudge anyone anything but as soon as his wife gets pregnant, anyone that makes it can go fuck themselves. Billy Connolly is a great example of this. Talk to any man in a pub and they will go on about how they fucking despise Connolly and would stab him in the guts if he was here right now. I’m not exaggerating. A guy actually said that to me. They pretend it’s because he swears now which is insane because Glaswegians swear so much, they’re not even sure what is a swear word and what isn’t. Same with racial slurs. It’s perfectly normal to ask and old lady if she enjoyed her “Chinky” last night when inquiring about Chinese food. So yeah, it’s no because he’s “Blue the noo.” It’s because he made money and got on with his life. That’s not Scottish. When my uncle got back from visiting us in Canada he threw his passport in the fire. That’s Scottish.
Another example of Great hate is Sean Connery. “See him?” a fellow in the pub said to me, “He’s fucking off to New York for bloody tartan week wearing all manner o kilts and the fucker is as Irish as the pigs O’Docherty. He left here the minute he made a bit a money because he didnae want tae pay the tax.” Um, yes. Would you pay the government 50% of your millions to live in a cold shower for the rest of your life? And what the fuck are the “pigs of Docherty”?
The most ridiculous example of Underdog worship happened last time I was here in a pub. My wife looks a bit “chinky” and in a nation where there’s almost nothing but white people, she gets asked about her ethnicity quite a bit. When she told an old drunk she was a Native American, his jaw hit the floor. Then, no joke, a tear ran down his cheek. He held her hand and kissed it and then he held it against his face and said, “See you people? It’s a bloody crime what they did to youse, so it is. A fucking shame.” Then he held her hand and stared at the floor until she wrenched it away so we could leave.
This is the kind of culture I will be filling up with joy and laughter like an erect penis inside his new bride. I have no experience doing stand-up really but how hard can it be? I’ve been coming to Glasgow since I was a w’ean and I have a million stupid stories. Besides, my Glasgow accent is fucking perfect. So, to quote African America, “Let’s do this!”
I THINK WHAT’S SO COOL ABOUT THIS IS THAT YOU CAN REPLACE THE WORD SCOTS WITH THE WORD BLACKS AND TELL THE SAME STORY LOL.
SCREW MAD LIBS, I LIKE TO PLAY BLACK LIBS!
cheers
I find your reports on French-Canadians to be terrible but you’re pretty much nailing Glasgow life. You need to do a report on THE BARRAS.
In a moment of pure sincerity, I remember when you posted that thing of you doing stand up in Austin or somewhere. You’re actually pretty good at that shit, and you’re certainly no worse than anyone else out there making a living at it. Break something.
hilarious. good luck with the jitters they say the first stand-up show is a complete write-off just try to mentally black out, you hit your stride eventually come the third time or so.
aye
Whereabouts is this stand-up happening?
I’d quite like to go to it.
yaaaaaaaaawn.
I thought you just found you were a Irish-Scot
if so make fun of the rangers
that should go over well
this had me laughing my ass off. Im going to visit my sister in edinburgh this summer and now I am DEFINITELY going to glasglow. she said it sucks there cuz you cant understand a single fuckin word they are saying but i will put up with the struggle.
You’re gettin too fucking famous, lad.
Piss off already with your fancy internet.
Well now i’m just “CHINKY”
Going to Europe in a couple weeks, should i just tell everyone i’m an “American” of the “Native” variety?
Is that how i go about picking guys up at the bar?
plz help. <3 free beer
When all else fails, start with the “bouncy, bouncy”
This is the best thing you’ve ever written.
Glasgow is like Baltimore only with less blacks and syphilis.
“When my uncle got back from visiting us in Canada he threw his passport in the fire. That’s Scottish.”
cant believe now that I woke up angry as hell and then I read this and now I’ll be in stitches for the rest of the day. thanks for being a genius gavin
I live in Glasgow. If I see you walkin’ about I’ll fuckin’ chin ye
[...] ON GLASGOW HERE (Part 1), HERE (Part 2), HERE (Part 3), HERE (Part 4), and HERE (Part [...]