I have a lot of friends who have gotten divorced over the past several years. They all love the old joke, “Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it.” For their sakes, I hope they’re right.

These girls don’t want you.

Thinking about getting divorced? Think again. I have a lot of friends who have gotten divorced over the past several years. They all love the old joke, “Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it.” For their sakes, I hope they’re right. But, from watching their experience, I have noticed some things that make me grateful I’m in a marriage that doesn’t have me groping for the “eject” button.

Some people are happier after getting divorced. To them I say “congratulations.” And by all means, if you’re getting beaten or abused, get the fuck out, take the kids, get full custody and don’t ever go back. And yes, this goes for men too. I actually know a guy whose wife abused him. Weird, right? That said…

DIVORCE = FINANCIAL RUIN
If you and your ex-beloved split up, there will be two house-holds to pay for instead of one. Two rents, two Crate & Barrel dining room sets and two subscriptions to Cat Fancy. It’s worse if you actually own a house. You probably paid too much right before the market crashed, so whoever gets the house has to come up with half of way-too-much to give to the one who moves out. No one has that kind of cash lying around, so you’re forced to sell in a shitty market to get out of two bad deals: the house and the marriage. Then, if you’re the higher earner, you get to pay alimony and child support. I’ve been told this makes you feel taken advantage of and like you’ve failed as a spouse, parent and real estate investor. Good times. On the other hand, you could be the one who accepts alimony and thus know in the bottom of your heart that you are less self-sufficient than the loser you married.

If your divorce goes butter-smooth, you can still expect to drop a few grand on paperwork and maybe a mediator. Mediators try to find a middle ground between the two parties’ positions. That means if your spouse proposes starting the negotiation somewhere squarely inside the boundaries of Crazytown, you will end up in one of its suburbs. If the split is less than amicable, expect to spend exactly the value of all the assets both of you have. All that money will go to the lawyers. When the money’s all gone, the lawyers will tell you to work it out between yourselves.

If you have kids, getting divorced won’t even get rid of your spouse. You have to see them every time you have a prisoner exchange drop off the kids or celebrate a holiday, birthday or graduation. Also, when the kids grow up to have a drug habits or a jobs as strippers, you’ll have the nagging fear that it’s because they’re from a “broken home.”

FOR THE FELLAS:
I know your wife is older and meaner than when you met her. I know you’re eager to do it with chicks who grew up in an era where double-penetration bukkake video was considered quaintly romantic. But consider a couple things: First of all, you’re old and disgusting. Young girls are not interested in you. The cute intern is only smiling at you because she’s read scary articles about young people who can’t find jobs and she doesn’t want to move back in with her parents who get drunk and sing along to Jimmy Buffet records. And let’s be honest, if you did manage to sleep with her, the age difference means you don’t have all that much in common and your sex drive is lower than hers. You’d rather fall asleep watching Sportscenter and she wants to go to the after-hours party where Lil Wayne is reading from his new collection of prison poems. Sure your wife is a pain in the ass and thinks you’re an idiot, but she’s a lot better than dying alone.

FOR THE LADIES
If you think it’s unfair that you’re paid less than 80 cents on the dollar for the same work done by men in the business world, just wait until you get a taste of the “asymmetrical valuation structure” for single women over 35 in the dating world. Men can be fat and old and still sort of date (and maybe even re-marry) successfully as long as they dig up those 1 in 100 girls with daddy issues or mercenary hearts. Women just don’t have that luxury. It’s not fair but even nice guys aren’t interested in fat old ladies. A couple wrinkles are less of a big deal than you girls think, but it’s a mathematical fact that there are not enough chubby chasers out there for all the big girls. But don’t think anorexia or bulimia are the solution. They give you a crazy, desperate vibe and stinky breath. This means the only option is to spend an inordinate amount of time, money and effort doing yoga, cardio-striptease or whatever other dumb fad is keeping your stomach flat and your ass from slapping you in the back of the knees. Because it takes so much work to stay fit, you’ll feel guilty every time you eat chocolate or get drunk on white wine, even though those are the only things that fill the hole where the love was supposed to go. Your husband’s a lunkhead, but is he really worse having to work out every day? And if you have kids, just know that your ex won’t make them bathe or do their homework when it’s his weekend. That means your kids will think you are a giant bummer and they’ll want to move in with dad because at his place, they don’t have to hide their bong.

-DAVID HARTE

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