For all of Canada’s backwardness and WTF-ery, America’s Hat has nothing on Utah, where, sadly, I was born…
For all of Canada’s backwardness and WTF-ery, America’s Hat has nothing on Utah, where, sadly, I was born, raised and, worse, continue to live despite better judgment, a college degree and a crippling sense of mortal urgency that nearly makes me a legitimate candidate for the Make a Wish Foundation. It hasn’t all been bad. Shit, sometimes I almost find myself–like a hostage suffering from Stockholm Syndrome–identifying with the place, making excuses for it and, every now and again, sticking up for its deadbeat, ne’er-do-well ass. Which puts the fear of god in me in a way that no LARP based on Bible fan fiction (the LDS Church, reckon) ever could.
A couple of months ago, it finally got to me. I got a gig working as a technical writer/content developer/whatever-the-fuck-they-want-me-to-put-in-my-Outlook-signature just before the Recession finally put the kibosh on, like, everything. Utah’s job market has always been a fucking joke, so I wasn’t going to let a job that “was in my field,” paid the bills and didn’t require me to beej literal dick slip away. That was last summer. The escape plan was always in the works, but, it’s funny how a decent wage can make even a shithole like SLC seem like Shangri-la. I was pissing away my money and not even saving a receipt until January, when it hit me like a kick to the balls (of my soul) that I was rounding another year of life in this one-horse, shit-ass town filled to the brim with inbred, mouth-breathing mormons, illiterate townies and textbook downwinders. I started saving, diverting grocery money towards my drug/booze budget and putting aside whatever balance I had leftover at the end of the month. Surprisingly, I’ve actually managed to get a good little bundle going, which, a DUI or medical emergency/drug binge withstanding, will not be spent until my exit.
It’s been exactly a year since I landed the writing gig, but if I just stick to the plan at hand, I am only five or six months away from flipping ol’ Slut Lake the bird for good.
I’ve been on the verge of throwing down my misfired-synapses-stream-of-semi-consciousness thoughts on the Open Mic before, but everything I had in mind, like, say living in butt-fucking nowhere SLC, would have required a little more length. So, with a call for more (unpaid) regular contributors on the table, I thought I’d make a proposition:
I post a blog, weekly, bi-weekly–whatever–that details the strange place that is, in particular, SLC (and its scene) and, at large, the State of Utah and its strange culture and even stranger sub-culture/s until I finally peace out. I know the column title I Hate It Here was already used by Spider Jerusalem in Warren Ellis’ Transmetropolitan. But, fuck it, the title is too good not to crib. That, of course, given that I’m actually given a shot.
If you’re down with the proposition: great. If not: also great. If you want to know a little more about me or suss out the finer details of this column, feel free to email me. That said, even if the idea doesn’t strike you as worthwhile, the regular/increased content=increased (unique) page views=increased (potential for) ad space formula is the pick-and-roll of web sites. Oh, and it won’t suck. Honest.
Regards,
Derek
PS: I attached some very NSFW photos to this email.
PPS: Only kidding.
Why does anyone care about the scene in a place with no scene? I would be more interested to read about you reading the Book of Mormon, especially if you are going to do so much shit talking about Mormons. We all could learn a lot from the people who are the most successful modern capitalists. Also, the BoM is basically a fantasy/adventure novel with some Isaiah thrown around.
I’d like to read more. I was almost forced to move there and need to know what I didn’t miss.
nope, sorry man. it seems like youre a real nice guy and have some potential, but looking over the many examples youve given us about why Utah would be a wacky, weird, interesting place to read about, I would have to say fuck no. Try the weekend?
Unless you have absolutely no friends in Utah, dont leave. You’ll probably miss it. But you probably do have friends there, dont fuck them over because theres a higher amount of tang per square foot in NYC. Plus, if youve been sitting in Utah for years, youll have absolutely no idea how to handle the tang that lives in NYC and other similar places. Are you ready to become a pretentious douchebag? Oh, youre not? No probs, I guess you must be hilarious and well dressed and down to earth then? You better fucking skateboard or play drums.
there’s an open call for regular contributors?
We already have Southpark (granted that’s in Colorado, but close enough).
You should move to NYC – I hear they have TONS of well paying writing gigs. And there is absolutely no competition for those jobs either. Don’t save your money, hop a bus and reap the benefits!
god damn bonaduce cry me a fucking river. you write like that asian guy dresses.
small town novelty wears off in under a month
Why does everyone write in talking about what they’re *going to* write?
Why does everyone who writes in talking about what they’re *going to* write get it published and then never write again?
Sorry Charlie your style bored me out of my mind. Learn to capture an audience, stop being a pretentious prick, and get another dream.
DO IT. Almost nowhere is a soul suckingly weird as Utah, every time drive from Denver to the west coast I floor it through that place on account of the undeniable weird vibrations.
The landscape is pretty but it weirds me out and the people are weird and the history is obviously weird. And…fascinating, from a distance. Like plumber’s butt, you can’t look away. A sick attraction. Like that creepy fucking book, Under The Banner Of Heaven, about the Lafferty brothers who murdered the wife and baby of one of them, I couldn’t put it down.
Those temples in SLC have enough canned food to keep every card carrying Latter Day Saint well fed and shut inside the gates when the apocalypse happens. WTF. There’s a reason, something to do with psycho-geography, that they chose Utah as a Vatican. It’s a deeply weird place. You can feel it in the rocks and the air. I’d like to read more about it because I want to know but don’t want to have to go there.
This dude’s writing is OK and most importantly he seems to feel the strange energy but isn’t totally imbued by it. I’d rather read this than the Williamsburg scene report.
Didn’t the beach boys write a song about Salt Lake City?
Lots of complaining, no examples. Boring.
How awful could a city with a free summer concert line up like this?
http://www.slcgov.com/Arts/twilight/lineup.htm
could you try harder? could you care more? could you edit more relentlessly with ohsonotfuckingwitty asides?
to the writer: stop using so many hyphens.
to SBTVC: give this man a job.
I usually don’t post in blogs but your blog forced me to, amazing work.. beautiful !
If you were going to do it you would have done it. so do it first and then put up a itp jar.