If you are only watching this film because you know there’s dick in it, then you’re disgusting and you should truly feel ashamed. Having said that, I have detailed the time mark of every dick shot, so you can fast forward through the interesting plot line, fun music, and incredible acting.

PREFACE: If you are only watching this film because you know there’s dick in it, then you’re disgusting and you should truly feel ashamed. Having said that, I have detailed the time mark of every dick shot at the end of this post, so you can fast forward through the interesting plot line, fun music, and incredible acting. Enjoy, skeez!
—

From Chicago, via Bowling Green, Kentucky (where?) comes a little film about a tranny, her boyfriend, Craigslist, a bathtub … some ham … (or turkey?) … oh, and there’s a murder … oh, and then there’s a tiny Asian!!! Let me back up: The film is called Sandwiches, and it’s directed by America’s favorite butch queen, Zain Curtis.

The short film is supposed to be a John Waters homage project, but really who gives a shit? It begins with some pedi’d toes in heels walking down the streets of Chicago and into a grocery store. HOWEVER ten bucks says you’ll be wondering not where the feet are going, but instead who is playing that ever-so-surfy-snappy song in the background. Well, funny thing about that … Mr. Curtis didn’t credit them, so it’s a goddamn secret! We follow the sincerely stunning tranny into the store and past someone giving her a fierce once-over. JEALOUS, BITCH!?

Cut to naked dude (full ass crack at :41) on a bed with lingerie-d girl. And I’m just going to say it because everyone is thinking the same thing: Naked dude has got great tits. Jus’ kiddin’, it’s the girl. The girl’s got great tits. Probably the best set I’ve seen since JJ (Judge Judy, not Janet Jackson). OH AND the sheets are, like, really really clean. I don’t know who to give props to, but I appreciated that. Maybe the prop gay / guy.

So we find out the naked guy and girl met on Craigslist. The guy acts like anyone I believe I’d ever meet on Craigslist. Awkwardly rubby and unnecessarily nude, but with a nice face.

OK so the guy’s phone rings and GUESS WHAT? It’sthetranny. Sexual innuendos and talk of sandwich meat are exchanged. We find out that the guy is dating the dude in a tutu and is just hooking up with the hot chicky in his bed. (Names really would’ve been helpful at this point in my review, Zain, but I guess I can’t hate on you for at least choosing different races, genders, and clothing choices to differentiate the characters; thanks?) We also find out that Nakey McBalls has a “surprise” for his girlfriend when she gets home.

And I can’t help but mention that the actor playing Noodz does this terribly adorable pinky thing at 1:19 that made me. want. to. die.

Cut to really lovely shots of tranny walking (again, NAMES, gah!) down the street after stealing ham from store.

Cut to awkward boob rubbing in bed.

Cut to tiny Asian in glasses and hat kissing at the tranny on the street. ALSO might I add that there are some people, in some outfits, that look SO FUCKING GOOD in them it’s as though they were born in them and if they were to not be wearing that outfit they would immediately turn into a mannequin and cease to exist. OK? That is what is happening with this girl.

Cut to girlfriend comes home, sees bitch in bed with her “man.” Cut to two minutes of footage that you’re going to want to rewind about a MILLION times over your lifetime. There are dicks, and someone eats a tampon, and then two people die, and people eat an internal organ (I think it’s a piece of tit). In fact, forget about the first minute and a half that I just wrote about, and just watch the two I didn’t.

It is 2010 and who cares about “great art?” School sucks, I’m broke and so are you, so lets take five, watch Sandwiches and INDULGE a little into the back of our brains in which the best thing we can imagine, that thing we want but didn’t know we crave (some bitch in gold and a tutu) right before we die from stab wounds, saying, “Ohhh, you gonna eat this bitch!!”

JaJa Galliano FTW! No, literally. Fuck the entire world, JaJa Galliano. We want it.

Dick pix: 2:32, 3:02, 3:31

Oh, and the music in the film is by a band name Sandwiches. That is true.

-MOLLY JONES

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