Saturday night was my girlfriend’s friend’s birthday and she decided to drag us to Porky’s. I had never been there before and was one part obligated, one part enticed by an hour of open bar.
Saturday night was my girlfriend’s friend’s birthday and she decided to drag us to Porky’s. I had never been there before and was one part obligated, one part enticed by an hour of open bar.
I got there a little after 10 and knew it was going to be fucking awful. There was a line of bridge and tunnelers stretching from the bar’s entrance to the corner. The dress code–no baggy pants, hoodies, Timberlands, do-rags or “flat-rimmed caps”–served as a thinly veiled message: no blacks.
After waiting for 15 minutes in the freezing cold I finally got in. I didn’t have to pay the cover since I was with a party, but people were actually paying $10. Inside was a mob of thirty year olds clawing their way to the bar and it took me twenty minutes to get a weak rum and coke. By the time I downed my first drink it was already 11, the end of open bar. Besides the normal drinks, they also had fishbowls of different cocktails. There were a few people in the crowd who made the fishbowls look like normal cups (see photo above).
The DJ was playing a strict mix of radio hits and songs people only listen to while drinking in shitty bars. What’s the point of DJing if you’re only going to play songs like “Teenage Wasteland” and “Don’t Stop Believing?” A fucking jukebox could do that and it wouldn’t cut songs to say shit like, “Do we have any single ladies in the house?”
This guy was basically the coolest person there. He understood that he was a middle age, balding white guy who probably lives with his mom and totally ran with it. He had his shirt tucked in and danced like an incarnation of every single white stereotype ever imagined. He was like Chris Rock’s impersonation of a white person dancing. He went from one group of girls to another just fucking throwing down, not even caring that there was absolutely zero chance of him getting any pussy. It’s like he was a social experiment or someone’s art school project–more of an idea than a real person.
I stuck around for a few more minutes after open bar ended to be courteous to my girlfriend’s friend and then ditched to get trashed at my friend’s house. On the way out I noticed the line outside was just as long as when I had arrived.
Sincerely,
Arvind Dilawar
more photos please!
there’s a bar in tijuana called porky’s and it is fucking shining.
sorry you guys get the shitty version
I’ve never understood the appeal of this type of bar, yet they’re everywhere! My theory on how they succeed: these places emit a low frequency that can only be heard by dipshits. Kinda like bees.
it’s “baba O’Reily” you ignorant slut
sounds like kings hardware in seattle.
OMG! You had a tough time tiger. The shit sure hit the fan that night! Glad you made it out okay. Fascinating story from a super-dope, hard-drinking, in-the-know motherfucker like yourself.
I always manage to have fun even at goony places like that. Maybe I’m not so uptight.
Why even pretend that you didn’t want to go there?
C’mon you engorged pussy. You should’ve hammed it the fuck up like the homie Herbert Finklestork up there. You may envision an aura of superiority erupting from your pores, but the herd of accountants smell date rape. That’s right, even the croc-hoofed cow assumes that you’re just another tweaker eager to knead her dough.
this looks like crocodile rocks or whatever the fuck its called near the club district in toronto. the crowd is the same too.
totally. king’s hardware is full of chachi fucks who can jump off the ballard bridge with cinderblocks chained to their necks. meanwhile i will be laughing it up at the tin hat.
I got dragged there once. Worst bar in manhattan. The only highlight was convincing the faggy wacky morning radio DJ to announce the fake engagement of a friend and the girl he on a first date with. fuck that place.
normal cups. ha.
I am an authority on classic rock and The Who fucking suck.
I am the authority on classic rock and classic rock fuckin sucks. except ELP
“Teenage Wasteland” is “Baba O’ Riley” you fucking retard. It’s by this band called The Who. How can you rip on a DJ when you can’t even identify what he is playing. Do you even know what music is? Jesus Dolt!
this was fascinating
“Teenage Waistband”
Guys Sharking. Woman look lost.
I want to correct everyone on the internet. Yeah boy.
any single ladies in the house tonight?
This is every bar in Canada.
holy fuck, how about you shoot yourself the next time you get the outstanding idea to internet your thoughts on a crummy bar to everyone?
Go away.
You have nothing say, nothing original to add.
Sincerely,
The World
you are so cool man.
are you a journalist or something? or a rockstar maybe. I could spend hours listening to you.
Why do so many Americans use the words ‘fag’ and ‘faggy’ all the time? You’re flippin’ obsessed.
shut the fuck up, fag
hey there shitty shitty fag fag how do u do?
““Teenage Wasteland” is “Baba O’ Riley” you fucking retard. It’s by this band called The Who. How can you rip on a DJ when you can’t even identify what he is playing. Do you even know what music is? Jesus Dolt!”
relax, champ.
remember when lindsey weir said that to daniel after she ruined the band
Maybe after America becomes Muslim or the government locks shit down so tight it will make 1984 look like 1969 all New York bars will be like this one. We can all look forward to that day… am I right Arv?