Two weekends ago I killed a dog. Not on purpose, but yeah, I was the reason its life ended with blood pouring out of its nose and shit oozing out of its ass.
Two weekends ago I killed a dog. Not on purpose, but yeah, I was the reason its life ended with blood pouring out of its nose and shit oozing out of its ass. I did it with my car. Yup, I have a car, so all you NYC transplants from middle America now know I don’t live in your smelly, crowded, Puerto Rican-y city.
It was a sunny Sunday here in Southern California — yeah, I prefer Mexicans to the ever so punchy island Hispanics you guys have. You know what, I’m going to have to start this story with a Morrissey lyric because of three reasons: It’s about killing a dog (Morrissey is all about the animal world, you know); it was Sunday (a day one of his most popular songs is about); and I just mentioned Mexicans (who for some reason are obsessed with an arrogant British asshole who seems like he might be racist).
“Everyday is like Sunday; Everyday is silent and grey” — even though this one was sunny. Alright, got that out of the way. Back to the canine massacre: I felt like a turkey sandwich, so I got into my car and went to buy one. Hooked my iPod up to the car radio and cranked the tunes. I put the car into reverse and went to back up, but the car wouldn’t really move. It felt like the emergency brake was on, so I looked down, but it wasn’t, so I continued to try and back up. Nothing. Just a lot of Prius revving noises, which kind of sound like when you get a remote control car stuck up against the wall and you continue to press the acceleration button.
Anyway, I turned down the music and that’s when I heard it. You know the sound a dog makes when it’s being crushed by a Prius. I turned the car off went to take a look. There it was: a cocker spaniel with blood pouring out of its nose and shit spraying out of its ass, which would be me in a few hours because of some bad coke — but that’s a different story. I was so hungry I almost just left it there so I could get my sandwich, but that’s when my annoying neighbor Greg came out. I was like, “Greg,” kind of like how Jerry used to say “Newman” on Seinfeld. He was like, “What happened?” I told him what I just explained above.
We concluded it was a stray and we called animal control because it wasn’t dead yet. As we stood there waiting, I was thinking to myself, “What would House do?” Someone left season five of House at my place and I had been watching it the night before. Then I started thinking I should maybe call pro skater/Street Carnage photographer Jerry Hsu and tell him about the fresh Chinese food I had in my driveway. Just then the garage door of the house two houses down opened and out walked my neighbor Kevin. He was like, “Have you guys seen Shamy?” I was like, “Is Shamy a cocker spaniel?” He was like, “Yes,” and Greg and I were like, “Fuck.”
He wasn’t that upset, but then his hysterical wife came out, followed by his daughter. He told them to calm down. They told him he was mean, and the husband and wife began fighting. Literally fucking screaming at each other. So now the whole fucking neighborhood is outside watching a husband and wife scream at each other while Greg and I stand by a dying dog. People are asking what happened. Greg’s telling them I hit it. They’re looking at me. I’m nodding.
I left, got my sandwich, fucked my lady, then came back home and found out the dog was indeed dead. Then went out, got shit-faced, then cokey and shat myself while pissing in the morning (I though it was a fart). I then looked in the mirror and I had dried up, crusty blood all around my nostrils. Shit all over my ass, legs, boxers and carpet. Blood all over my nose. It’s amazing how things come full circle. If you think I’m an asshole, well fuck you! I killed that dog with a Prius. I was doing my environmental part.
-ROY NIROM
Send “Dear Street Carnage” letters to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com
“which would be me a few hours because of some bad coke” ?
meh
Please kill more dogs, it doesn’t matter how much as long as you continue to write other good stuffs.
you’re a fucking idiot.
And to think, I killed a cat.
Your “lady” sure sounds like a lucky gal!
What?! Chinese people eat dogs?
WOWW THIS WHOLE THINGS SMACKS SO OF EFFORT BRO..
This would be better if it was written by Leonard Nimoy.
leonard nimoy’s shit could write a better piece
you have the potential to be an excellent short story writer, brah!
your life is a bummer.
Did it ever occur to you to put the dog out of its misery? Let me guess. You don’t carry a gun. Homo.
“but that’s a different story.” no, actually that’s the end of this story, that you ruined with that jews attempt at a foreskin shadow.
gonna hate.
I wish I was that dog. Then I wouldn’t have read this “story”.
i just farted
that puppy looks like John Houseman.
but then I lold
Pick the dog up by the collar, flip it into your neighbor’s trash bin, blow out and get that sandwich bro.
you sound like a douche
Yuck, I hate when people mix up random for funny. Thanks for the stupid pop culture references. I don’t get to hear enough people name dropping Morrissey in my day to day life.
Everyone hates this story because it sucks.
Welp… fuck you!
Almost as bad as a Wavves song. Such a shame considering this story mentions Morrissey.
Once you live in LA long enough, you figure out Morrissey is Mexican R & B.
By the way, don’t you think other animals just look at roadkill thinking, “What a dumb ass.”
Fucking stupid ass story. What a smug assclown- i hope someone runs you over with a fucking gay prius.
“that’s when I heard it. You know the sound a dog makes when it’s being crushed by a Prius.”
is it fucked up that i laughed out loud?
I hate that that the sweet pooch died and all, but ill be damned if that wasn’t the funniest writing I’ve read in a while. MOAR!!!!!
Anonymous said:
“Pick the dog up by the collar, flip it into your neighbor’s trash bin, blow out and get that sandwich bro.”
And then become an international hate-celebrity when your neighbor catches the whole thing on their security cam (including you coming home with the sammich) and sells it to TMZ for $500!
im sure this story sounded a lot cooler when __________________.
“…..who seems like he might be racist”. You’re a stupid cunt lad.
What dirtynickels said.
what an empty soul
Dear Roy,
You have the potential to write hundreds–maybe thousands–of horrendously boring li’l missives like this during what will, I’m sure, be a long and completely uneventful life. One day, far into the future, you’ll be able to look back on this post with pride, knowing that it was the first time you made hundreds of people wish for three minutes of their lives back.
Kudos, asshole.
If that dog had been a wolf, it would have darted out of the way, grabbed you that sandvich and written a more amusing anecdote. Even if it HAD gotten hit, it would have fucking shat in neat cuboid pieces. Look what we’ve done to wolves man!! Morissey.
Who the fuck cares?
Cool story bro!
i got to the morrisey lyric and realized you aren’t a writer and stopped reading