USA. Happy b-day from the north. Thanks for being such great neighbours & Super thanks for AFV – we love seeing infants getting beaned with different balls. I have some gifts for you on behalf of our nation. Times are tough so they aren’t that great but hey it’s the thought counts eh?
USA. Happy b-day from the north. Thanks for being such great neighbours & Super thanks for AFV – we love seeing infants getting beaned with different balls. I have some gifts for you on behalf of our nation. Times are tough so they aren’t that great but hey it’s the thought counts eh?
5 pin bowling
Here ya go. We invented it but we want you to have it. Our frozen minds led us to take a fantastic pastime like 10 pin and huck it through our patented “fun subtractor”, leaving 5 impossibly positioned runt pins on strings and a diminutive ball designed for finger amputees. You won’t get the same smashing shit thrill as the real game but the footwear is backwards compatible. Happy independence day.
oh while we are on the subject of balls… thanks again america.
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Harness Racing
Here’s a jem for you gambling folk. It’s just like yer Kentucky derby shit but again we decided to run it through the fun subtractor. Instead of putting a coked out anorexic midget on the back of a raging throughbread we stick some unemployed dude in a wheelchair behind the horse. Our jockeys are just like being a drummer in Nickleback except they only have to stare at one asshole.
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The Mad Dash
Degrassi and the Kids in the Hall are a little to precious to give away for a non-milestone birthday so all I can offer is one of our finest contributions to the gameshow world. The Mad Dash was a little nugget produced in 80′s Montreal that challenged couples to risk their lives on a gigantic slippery gameboard (Gulliver’s Travels shit) for 5, 10, sometimes upwards of 50 bucks. If you knew your stuff you could walk outta there with a dinner for 2 at the Old spaghetti factory. Working with a tight budget demands creativity when trying to build excitement (2:47 in the unbearable clip below). A pretty snazzy lesson for these tough Economic times.
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Ben Johnson
Big Ben ran a 9.79 in Korea. It was the first time we tasted pride from the international buffet but three days later when he was stripped of his bling for doping and our fuck you Carl Lewis faces quickly turned into omelet masks. I’m still kicking myself for not buying the “we believe in Ben” sweatshirt. Anyhooters this dude can still bolt. He runs against cars and horses now. Ben isn’t permitted to race people anymore because he is “tainted” but yous might find him useful for PSAs and stuff – check out his “amazing” acting abilities. Disclaimer – check in with Jamaica to see if it is ok if you can keep him.
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Anal Chinook
This gift is kinda like giving someone a lottery ticket or scratch n win. It has potential when you get it but the odds are not in your favour so it just turns out to be nothing more than an anus slicing shit ticket. Sorry for the dud. You get Gavin, Aiden and Orca plus superhits like “Pubic Lice”, “womyns Rights” and “Ozone Layer”. Supplied here is a ditti about gavin’s infected foreskin called “foreskin”. Note the deafening silence after the song has ended…much like this article.
Have a great USA day and barf on someone you love.
Sincerely,
Black Jacobs
I always thought your bad was terrible….but that was pretty good!
NO THANK YOU, BLACK. I’M GOING TO BARBECUE WITH ASIANS IN THE GHETTO PARK BY MY HOUSE. THEY DRINK MORE AND THATS WHAT I WANT.
i win internet
Ben Johnson lived (maybe still does) down the street from my old house in oakvegas. everyone hated him (not me) his house is/was a fuckin’ palace. shitty your guys’s holiday falling on a saturday ‘n all.
really? another stupid plug for that fucking shitty band?
GOOD ARTICLE! MADE ME WANT TO BARF AND THEN EAT IT AND THEN BARF AGAIN
This is the worst birthday ever. I hate you mom and Gavin
if you had taken the time to get a better haircut, you guys might have been able to do something.
what year was that show?
Ha! Prop Comedy
the host of mad dash was my uncle.