Dear Future,

You are a sad sack if we’ve ever not seen one. You thought you were going to blow our minds with silver jumpsuits and a new telephone book where names like “X34e-H” would outlist “Smith.” Nice try. No matter how futuristic you try to get we will out future your ass right here in the present.

Dear Future,

You are a sad sack if we’ve ever not seen one. You thought you were going to blow our minds with silver jumpsuits and a new telephone book where names like “X34e-H” would outlist “Smith.” Nice try. No matter how futuristic you try to get we will out future your ass right here in the present.

Perfectly round stereos? We had those in the 50s. A pill that makes sex baby-proof. YAWN. We had that even before it was invented.

Now it’s 2008 and we have finally, officially invented everything in the world that could possibly be invented ever. In fact, we’ve gone a step further and invented things that are totally fucking useless and shitty but we invented them anyway because they’re more futuristic than you.

Beamz is something none of us will ever use we just wanted to throw it together to make you feel insecure about being 1,000 years from now.

There’s also this $10,000 table. It’s as over-the-top useless as technology can get but how do you think Reagan won the cold war? He sunk a trillion dollars into defense is what he did. We had to overdo it to show the Russians they had no hope in hell. This is what we have accomplished with the Giant Computer Screen Coffee Table. Read ‘em and weep!

We used to be intimidated by the idea of jetpacks but we were in 1930 at the time and we were intimidated by the idea of actually getting a meal made of not-bread. Today jetpacks are old fucking news. They may cost $100,000 and feel like your backpacking a fat guy in outer space but rich people love that kind of shit and we have plenty of rich people. By the way, I notice you scoffing at the prices of these things and saying you can offer them way cheaper. Wow. That’s the best you can do. Same as now but more of the same so less expensive? You’re like the WalMart of us.

Before you were around we used to scare ourselves with images of a monster computer race that fought each other, and us, for centuries after we were dead. These movies had names like Terminator and Matrix and we got so bored of them we invented it ourselves. Today Israel’s defense system is so way over your head we’re glad we don’t have crystal balls because we wouldn’t be able to look you in the face. Fuck you.

If you find all this hard to take why don’t you get into a time machine, come way the fuck back here to 2008 and try some of your brainwashing sunglasses that tell you everything’s going to be OK. We don’t need any because it is but you sure do because, where you’re from, life sucks HARD.

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Anything left? What about the universe? Last time we checked Richard Branson and his rich friends almost had traveling to the moon wrapped up. Not that we care. We were taking air balloons to outer space in the fucking 1960s.

Me and my brother aren’t even mad at you future. You’re too much of a loser. The only thing we feel for you is sorry. Peace out. (Oh we have that too, mostly)

Sincerely,

Gavin and Kyle McInnes

Circa now.

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