I know this girl with a boyfriend who I used to bone (I say bone because all we did was smoke joints and bone, and she was already seeing this dude) quite frequently before they became an official couple, but when they did, I backed off because the guy she’s going out with is not only psychotic but fucking ripped.
[Ed: Visual approximation of the boyfriend in question]
I know this girl with a boyfriend who I used to bone (I say bone because all we did was smoke joints and bone, and she was already seeing this dude) quite frequently before they became an official couple, but when they did, I backed off because the guy she’s going out with is not only psychotic but fucking ripped. I am not looking for a relationship with this girl but, as I’m going through some randomness with my main girl, I’m wondering if I should bother with this open booty call. Apparently her boyfriend doesn’t satisfy her like I can, and she really needs a proper one. I guess the only hiccup is this guy she’s with is a crazy, next-level mofo. I’m a big guy myself, but I’m no crazy thug like her guy. I still want to bone her as it was fun, but I guess I’m just scared I’m going to get my ass beat. What should I do? Is this too dangerous of a lay? I’ve looked at many of the options: boning her regularly, not boning her at all, boning her once poorly to get rid of her, or just boning her once in a blue moon.
Sincerely (but even I find this quite hilarious),
-M.J.
Dear Mike Jones,
You read Street Carnage?! Rad! Remember that time you pretended to be a homeless guy outside of that Bushwick bar selling X and hats, and kept calling my friend “Clairol” because she died her hair? Fun times.
Anyway, I wouldn’t worry too much about your situation. If you honestly are willing to take a beatdown for a girl who it seems you don’t even like that much, then either you are a) super desperate, or b) like this chick way more than you are willing to admit to yourself or the imaginary audience of this website. Also, the adjectives you used to describe her new boyfriend — “fucking ripped,” “crazy thug,” and “crazy mofo” — make it seem like you are more obsessed with him than you are with this random lay. Are you white-knighting here, or just looking for a homoerotic fight? Let crazy be with crazy: This chick obviously loves the drama of having two juiced-up gorillas fighting over her (even if one is partially uninterested?), so I’d back away from that as slowly as possible.
Hope that helps,
-DREW GRANT
Oh and PEEE ESSS — If this guy finds any email or text paper trail of his girlfriend saying he can’t satisfy her the way you could, he’s going to beat your ass anyway.
Send “Dear Drew” sexual queries to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com
Yeah, go stir that gorilla porridge, MJ.
femme fatales love to scissor
If he don’t, I will.
Sorry to be a grammar pedant, but does the first sentence not mean you used to bone the boyfriend?
^ Yup. I read it that way too. Fruedian slip?
it’s great being with some hulk type, no men will ever bother you. however, that type always seems to suck in bed. steroids are worse than lesbian death bed. and they also always seem to want to suck fingers, a bit too much.
you gotta let a ho be a ho
menage a trois. you know you waaaaaaant it.
this article is a lot more fun if you substitute “Arv” every time this schmuck writes “this girl”
@ yer maw
That’s probably what he meant; also, “whom” not “who”.
so you want to bone the dude.
get get in there. go mofo on that package.
do it pussy goddamn
I love everything about this. You’re clearly gay, you don’t have a “main girl” so much as a chick who is into lame ducks and this girl is a shit-stirrer that you wanna get involved with cause drama attracts gay dudes more than free ecstasy or gaping buttholes. Just go cruise a sailor and stop wasting time.
Awesome. I think you and Barf should do a point counterpoint.
Go get that muscle queen, son.
PS-Use lube.