Until it came to an abrupt and inexplicable end a few months ago, I harbored an unwavering beard fetish.
Until it came to an abrupt and inexplicable end a few months ago, I harbored an unwavering beard fetish. I loved a little scruff, sure, but what really got me going was a nice big fluffy wizard beard. I met this pointy bearded, gap toothed, smelly beanie wearing dude while home for Christmas one year and knew at-a-glance that I’d eventually get drunk and throw myself at him. When I returned a few months later to tend to some minor surgery, the opportunity presented itself for me to get the goods. What I should mention, however, is that the surgery in question involved my dear girl parts. Yep! Ye olde cervix was looking a little sickly, and the sweet doctor who had known me since my most virginal days would have to go up there, zap it frozen and suck the bad bits out.
The preliminary visit was pretty standard: a quick biopsy to check out what was up before the actual surgery the following week. After it was all said and done, the doc popped a pain killer in my hand and sent me on my way without even a word of caution concerning any extracurricular activities.
A few hours and several whiskey-and-whatevers later, I was eyeing my dreamy beardo at a dive bar hosting the kind of white-trash karaoke night Anna Nicole Smith’s toothless cousin Shelly wouldn’t be caught dead at. While making a quick trip to the bathroom I looked at the ground and noticed what I thought was a credit card, but when I picked it up and flipped it over, instead of a name and numbers – I couldn’t make this up if I tried – it simply read “GOOD FOR ONE FUCK.”
Stoked on the hilarious serendipity of my discovery, I suggested a quick exit for my friends and I, and slipped the card in Black Beard’s back pocket, telling him to call me later. I dropped my girls off at their respective homes and met him at a dwindling house party. We killed the six pack I had brought with me in record time and I followed him back to his place. Aside from him making a dash for the lube in his dresser to compensate for my wasted dry vag before we got down to business, I don’t remember much else of the sloppy bang. I snuck out of bed and crawled home the next day, hungover as fuck, not thinking twice of the hairy hook-up.
The night before my return to NY I ran into him and he seemed weird and awkward, which is always disappointing – can grown men not face the women they randomly fuck while out in public? For some reason it bothered me enough to text him a week later, to make sure we were cool. His text back was simple and to the point: “you bled everywhere. EVERYWHERE.” I’ll never know the extent of the damage, since I had somehow walked away with nothing more than a barely visible trace of pink on the teepee when I wiped that morning, but it must’ve been pretty fucking gnarly. I sought forgiveness by explaining that it wasn’t period blood but instead harmless wound blood from deep inside my vagina, but that seemed to worsen my case. The dude left pictures of blood and gore on my MySpace profile for months.
- Mom
Sorry-Mom.com
Guys are such pussies when it comes to mentrual blood…or uterine blood, as in this case.
This site is turning into the “say anything” section from YM.
but it’s cool if he jizzes in you/all over you/ anywhere. but some blood? FUCK NO.
OMG U MUSTA BEEN LIKE SOOOO EMBARRASED LOL!!1!
shoulda used the beard?
You guys date pussies. My beardo is always down, regardless of whatever fluid is coming outta me
[...] week’s Sorry Mom/SBTVC blog is up – read it here. [...]
pics or it didnt happen
i am not the least bit bothered by blood, shit, strange thick discharge or even my own cum but i you sound you have made several shameful lifestyle choices.
*wow.. fucked up that sentence..
IT IS YOU!!
YOU MOM! YOU!
YOU HAVE MADE SEVERAL SHAMEFUL LIFESTYLE CHOICES!!!!
MMM INFECTIONS
Don’t want that house for bearded dude’s dicks to rot out.
blood is usually a pretty good boner-killer, unless you’re weird.
plotte en vac, I know. I think if someone’s uncomfortable with body fluids, they shouldn’t be having sex at all. But then again, on the topic of menstrual blood- it is all this discard coming from the lady’s body, escaping, and the dick will just jam it back up, reversing the point of the period which is no good. But surgery blood- and the beard catching it… the gore would’ve been just incredible. And imagine the combing of the beard.
http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f182/lakaiibs/1179252023272.gif
Another great story,
And thanks for the link to the pics as well!
“surgery in question involved my dear girl parts” That sounds like a fucking classic case of HPV. Another whore just spreading that shit around. You cunt is like the Pit of Sarlacc.
It’s kind of gross you banged some random dude the same day you had your surgery. Your doctor didn’t warn you because almost anyone would know it wasn’t a good idea.
ahahah, mom, you are a dude. you kill me.
so…
did you come?
but seriously. same day as sugery hpv bloodbath: yikes.
awww who ever said anything about H-peev? Vag is clean as whistle.
Dudes can give girls cancer with hpv and never show a symptom them selfs. So I guess he won’t get pay back for all the myspace libel.
Holding a grudge over sex is lame. One time I was banging this hot flight attendant and she clogged up my toilet afterwards. She was humiliated and tried to clean it up herself but flushing just made it overflow and spill onto the floor. Finally, she had to leave for work and left me to deal with a bathroom pool of shit and TP.
Totally worth it.
P.S. Haters: If you don’t have HPV, you are a virgin. lrn2research. Have fun with your hand.
^ Haha, you have stds AND you’re a faggot.”lrn2research”? How the fuck does anybody type that and God not strike them down with lighting for being a giant waste of life.
also cheesebottoms made me LOL.
nice nahvalr reference.
I’m not much into reading but all i know is this is something about beards and menstrual blood. cheers.
WARTS!!!
Mom, you’re awesome. Maybe you left some iodine (looks like blood) behind. Don’t they shoot some of that up there after a biopsy to stop the bleeding? Just a thought.
you sound …. Like a whore.
build your self esteem lil girl and when you’re a woman with respect you’ll find a MAN who will fuck with no issues.
Okay, first – I’m a big burly guy who shaves his head and wears a true “barbarian” beard – brown, curly, and growin’ wild as a motherfucker:) LOL This guy was a fucking pussy who should shave his face and stop bothering women, in fact, I’d love to kick his little cocksucker ass (yes, I have a filthy mouth, but I also know big words like verisimilitude and organomercurial) for his behavior. I would only have been concerned that you were bleeding, and asked why, and was sex going to hurt you, and are you okay, I would have worried. I sure as hell wouldn’t have ignored it, and put horrible pictures up on your Facebook wall, goddamn that makes me mad just hearing it. And please women, listen to me – we DO exist, NICE guys, who are tender and care (I TOTALLY love giving a woman oral, it’s like warm ice cream to me:), and yes, sometimes we look scary. But I’ll tell ya, it’s that pretty little faggot (I’m NOT a homophobe, I know I shouldn’t use that word, but how else can I properly insult these piece-of-shit pretty boys) who’ll treat you like shit – fuck you in the ass, cheat on you, NEVER eat your pussy (what kind of a man can’t eat pussy, that’s NOT a man), and NEVER want to marry you. They’re too busy touching themselves about football players and other stupid shit; I’m busy hunting meat, writing poetry, and playing the drums – who would you rather fuck? Shouldn’t be a tough answer, but somehow biological, emotional, and spiritual feasability don’t seem to come into the decision. What’s the big fetish with these wafer headed, big eared, beaky nosed, pencil necked, tiny dicked morons? It drives me fucking NUTS, sends me into orbit, I’ve literally roared at the TV, wanting to break their necks. “Oh, he’s so hot!” He’s probably got a vagina. Please know that I’m not a misogynist – although I AM the enemy of most, if not all feminists. I’ll finish by saying there need to be a whole lot more women who get hot from a beard, I’ve NEVER met one. When I do, I guess I’ll know that’s “her”. There’s my two cents, if more like a dollar and a half LOL – now to beating off, with my big lonely hands – I think I’m in an asian girl mood…LOLOLOLOL Just one more thing, while I’m spouting off – The Strokes should be publicly executed and all of their “music” erased from the earth; Rush rules. Van Halen too. And Black Label Society.