I started writing e-mails to Blognigger a while ago because his writings were infecting my home life in an unexpected way. He never wrote me back, so one cold night, feeling pissed and rejected, I mugged him with a text. Here’s part 1 of what happened:
I started writing e-mails to Blognigger a while ago because his writings were infecting my home life in an unexpected way. He never wrote me back, so one cold night, feeling pissed and rejected, I mugged him with a text. Here’s part 1 of what happened:
10:49 PM me: I keep sending you e-mails BN. No time for ol’ vane$$a?
Blog: no offense dude…
i’m not in a great place right now
10:50 PM me: oh, that’s a shame. what’s the deal? cuz you know i was writing you about not being in a great place myself.
Blog: listen – no offense whatsoever, but i can’t really chat
me: no no no, don’t go anywhere. you need to hear what i have to say. about my brother
10:51 PM Blog: dude
listen
me: when?
now
Blog: i’m actually being serious – it’s not the fucking comment section of street carnage
leave me alone
i’m not in a good place
me: yea, but what about those e-,mails. the ones about my bro. my lil’ bro. the schizophrenic
10:52 PM Blog: no offense, i haven’t looked at them
i just assumed anything from you
me: he reads your shit, man. he’s obsessed with you.
10:53 PM Blog: would just about how much fuckin taint i lick and etc etc etc how i’m a shit writer and how I’ll fuckin look back with shame and blahblah
great
me: is that what i said to you?
Blog: i don’t fuckin need anyone to be obsessed with me -
dude
you of all people should understand this
me: what the fuck is that shit?
Blog: that
10:54 PM me: out of nowhere. meds?
hey hey let me ask you a question
Blog: i’m a fuckin blogger! obsessed?
me: let me ask you a question
Blog: go take care of your brother
10:55 PM he needs medical attention
me: when did you start w/ the lexapro?
i appreciated your blog entry about your meds habit. for real.
Blog: i started taking prozac in ’93
then switched to lexapro in like 2006, when i decided to see a doctor again
10:58 PM i’m hoping it’s like shampoo
where you switch every once in awhile to stop the brain tumor buildup
me: okay, just making sure that you’re legit. lexapro went mass market in 2003. yeah, little brother sits in his rocking chair all day, asking me if I spoke to blogn yet
10:59 PM Blog: rocking chair man get the fuck outta here
me: and i mean he’s obsessing, but he can’t go near a computer, afraid of kiddie porn sites
Blog: afraid of them?
me: no, i’m serious. he drinks five 40s a day and smokes 4 packs
Blog: like he’ll accidentally end up on one and get b& and v& ?
11:00 PM me: yep, or deliberately end up on one.
Blog: get his ass teh net nannys
me: so, let me ask you a question. do you consider yourself a role model?
my brother’s a nice boy that loves you.
11:01 PM are you really a woman?
are you really Puerto rican?
Blog: well, you’re fucking with me, but i’m intruiged by you
me: god i’m douching so hard
11:02 PM what do you want to know?
11:03 PM Blog: I picture you as being this suspenders with no T shirt wearing blonde kid with body hair
like wisps
wispy blonde chest hair
like an evolved monkey
11:04 PM me: i picture you being a nerd, jewish probably, pre-writing shit like that line just in case i ever i.m. you
Blog: hahaha
see that’s the thing that breaks the character
you’re witty
and smart
…
it’s interesting.
me: that’s sweet.
Blog: do you really have a brother?
me: I guess.
11:05 PM yes i do have a brother. you and your people were mean to him
he’s the real deal
Blog: who was mean?
11:06 PM me: you blog. he keeps telling me all this shit you say ab out him
Blog: my people? the blecks?
me: he compares you to the joker in the dark knight
dude watches movies all day
Blog: how old is he
me: 23
Blog: hm
is he mentally like…
equiv?
i mean, from an intelligence perspective
developmentally?
me: you see, this is where you’re busted, son. this is where you need to live life
11:08 PM you once mentioned schizophrenia in one of your blog posts. remember?
Blog: uhhhh
not really but i believe you
yes
i remember now
me: yes, you did.
don’t ever talk or write about shit that you know nothing about
11:09 PM Blog: hm.
me: intellectually challenged?
seriously?
van gogh was schizophrenic
syd fucking barrett too
11:10 PM Blog: dude, i understand that being shizo doesn’t make you dumb
it’s just that the image of your bro sitting in a basement all day
watching netflix
doesn’t seem like someone of any intelligence would be satisfied with that
me: haha basement. you mean apartment, MY apartment
Blog: but no offense intended.
11:11 PM me: listening to him ask me over and over again…”you talk to blog today?”
can he e-mail you?
Blog: sure
me: you’ll be nice?
won’t hate him because I wasn’t nice to you?
Blog: “over and over again” – that shit sounds fake to me but of course
11:12 PM i treat everyone who emails me well
because i’m a fuckin pussy
which you should know
me: why is that?
Blog: what happened
my mom
happened
raised me to be a pussy
11:13 PM not like gavin
me: first of all, moms happen, if they don’t happen, you don’t happen
Blog: i was the kid at the birthday party who’s mom had to stay
whose*
11:14 PM me: and you got shit on by the other kids so now you’re fucked up?
sorrt, I mean timid
*sory
*sorry
booze
lots
mega doses
every day
at work
11:15 PM at home
Blog: you’re a drinkardz?
me: yeah, but tell me about your mom
Blog: jewish
me: go deep
Blog: all neurotic
loving
11:16 PM me: too loving
Blog: yep
me: stifling?
Blog: maybe that’s all parents
but yeah of course
like you fall down
and she’s all
me: so what happened.
Blog: OMYGODZARE YOU OKZ0RS!?!?
11:17 PM and then eventually you just grow up to be a fag
nice to meet you
i mean whatever
me: define fag
Blog: fag is someone who isn’t strong like gavin
me: yes, gavin is so strong. (rolls eyes)
Blog: cries
me: 
Blog: cares
to everyyyythiiiing
turn
turn
turn
11:18 PM me: huh?
stay with me
hello?
Blog: yo
11:19 PM if i wasn’t a fag i’d tell everyone like your brother to eat a dick
i.e.
everyone “obsessed” with bn
that is such a load of bullshit
“obsesssed”
with some faggot writer
11:20 PM me: narcissistic much?
what do you mean by faggot?
you’re married, right?
Blog: in that context i mean some shitty hacky writer
11:22 PM me: you need to get over that shit, blog. you won’t be a writer until you don’t care what anyone thinks. that’s one of the big tests
Blog: i know
now you’re making sense
me: so what’s the fucking problem?
Blog: heh. well, i think it takes balls to be hated and take that approach on sc
you’ve built the brand around being hated
I could use a dose ‘o that
me: people hate me? I didn’t know that people hate me? who hates me?
Blog: EV ERYONE hates you. i’ve never seen anyone so hated. reality. internet. disney world. you’re there you’re hated.
me: i am? sux for me. god who cares though? JUST A MESSAGE BOARD. i’m some cunt in the audience. you’re on the stage or whatever you want to call it. i feel like that’s a gay analogy. but true. there’s no comparison.
allo?
you there?
don’t leave!
come on, man
dude, all right, i’ll sit here and watch the real housewives of orange county until you return
let me know when you’re back on
me: doooooooooooooooooooooood, i’m passing out! had like 5 drinks since you left…you don’t just leave a person hanging like that! without a word. it’s rude as fuck.
this is hilarious. i’m sitting here, going what the fuck just happened? right now i’m picturing a 13 year old whose mom just told him to come to bed. oh sorry. no offense.
don’t bail!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you faggot. no you’re not a faggot. come back. blog you’re doing not anything I wouldn’t do are you?
12:02 AM Blog: ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
Blog: oyo
yo
sorry
me: what’s wrong?
Blog: i’m addicted like a faggot
me: there’s that word again. to what?
Blog: people telling me how great i am every day
LIKE MY MOM USED TO DO WAHHHHH
me: diva
Blog: what about your mom
WHAT
ABOUT
YOU
yep
me: my mom?
Blog: no
sorry
me: DED
Blog: did you have a TV growing up?
me: did you hear me?
Blog: your mom is dead?
me: on the inside
Blog: hm.
what happened
me: i never got any praise or concern as a kid. ZERO.
true story. no joke. one of my sibs died. she went blank. when i was 8.
Blog: jesus christ
how old was your sibling
and what happened?
that’s horrendous man.
me: yep. you could say that. he was 18. oldest brother of six kids. car accident. highway. fucked up.
Blog: jesus.
i don’t understand how your mom could continue at all
i have to say, she may have sucked for you but
jesus
imagine having to go on and put your face back together?
me: she didn’t suck for me. she did, but i grew up and figured it out. yeah, that’s a good way of putting it. one of the best ways i’ve ever heard. put your face back together. she had a hard time with that.
Blog: yeah
you don’t have kids, do you?
me: nope. i’ve had someone ask to do it with me, but i said no, forever no.
too scared
you’re lucky
Blog: in that way yes
me: you’re not a pussy at all
i’m the pussy
Blog: why
me: too scared to have kids. i’d rather just take care of my brother, get laid here and there, work, drink…
Blog: maybe without your brother things would be different
me: no, i need my brother. he’s not that bad. medication helps. he goes for bi-monthly shots. believe me, i need that brother
he’s my bodyguard
Blog: ?
me: there’s no ? he’s just my brother. you mean the one that lives with me?
faggot. what’s with that word?
Blog: where’s your dad?
me: why?
Blog: you have a brother sitting in your apartment
me: yes
Blog: not your responsibility
me: seriously, do you want to talk about this? we can go back and be all clown
Blog: you sound like you can handle it, but no one should have to deal with that
while their parents are alive
esp
me: why? i think we come from different places
Blog: hm.
interesting.
me: you know what i mean?
Blog: yeah actually
maybe
me: cultural differences?
upper-middle class? upper class?
Blog: growing up, it was clearly upper-middle class
right now i don’t kno
w
i guess “middle-class”
waht about you?
mayonaise sandwhich class?
and no offense meant
but that’s how you illustrated youself this far
thus
far
me: unwashed class.
Blog: interesting
it’s almost like you’re two different people typing
are you?
me: no, i’m one person. what do you want me to say? that I’m sitting here in some shit-hole apartment, wearing drag, typing away on my computer?
Blog: the thought has entered my mind. Something like that at least
me: hmmmmmmm…does that thought turn you on, sweetpants?
Blog: get the fuck outta here.
hm
look I have to go.
get up at 5 in the morning
me: DON’T GO. NOT NOW. WTF. I’m not done with you.
Blog: no really
we can pick it up later
me: sleep is for faggots. no, you’re right. I’m gonna go put on my nfl PJs and get all snuggy in the sack.
Blog: haha. later. keep in touch.
me: all right, you take care of yourself and keep writing. to be continued, right?
Blog: right
Bye…
Next week…Part 2…
AACK!!!
?????????????????
Lol now when I read Van comments I will picture the chunky lover atop this page.
what in the fucking hell?
OMG LUCKY BITCH
Creepy.
You know what show I loved, SEINFELD.
no wait that shit sucked like this post.
This is real? Or is it a PR ploy by v$$?
What?! Fuck is this? Is this legal for ‘ne$$a to sell? Doesn’t she have to have permission like recording a phone call? Cunt.
vane$$a i dont know if you made this all up, or if you and BN and the same person ala fight club, or if this is one those points that will end in P’OWNED suckerzz and is put up just to get comments, but if this is legit, jesus christ. this is identical to what grade 9s write to each other on msn nightly.. “Please dont go where are you please stay etc etc” SHUT THE FUCK UP! You’re slowly turning BN into just as big of an internet dork as you..
how did she get blogn”s number?
I get it. PR ploy. She’s puerto rican.
C’mon Vane$$a!
If this was TV instead of a website it would be a reality show about a very depraved woman who finds solace on a blog and becomes obsessed with one of the star contributors. This is really creepy. Like that Steve-O letter. This is honestly disturbing.
I’d rather read the slang-y Animal Collective entry on Hipster Runoff. Too long, disjointed, and needs editing badly. C’mon Internet! ULTRAFAIL LOL
I had a feeling:
http://66.218.69.11/search/cache?ei=UTF-8&p=vane%24%24a&fr=fptb-msgr&u=profile.myspace.com/index.cfm%3Ffuseaction%3Duser.viewprofile%26friendid%3D74381839&w=vane&d=OD55WkfiR3Ym&icp=1&.intl=us
I made it through 17 lines. Bad, bad writing.
i agree, gavin is so strong. its like hes mcsteamy and mcdreamy all rolled into one…
sorry cap’n, but the street carnage radio thing is blocking my “name” line so i cant change it.
Vanessa, you are a retad. Leave BN the fuck alone. jesus christ, what a weirdo. No wonder he quit. Imagine getting creepy texts from some internet psycho just cause you write well. Makes Salman Rushdie look like he got off easy.
so0per @w3som3
not only is it tl;dr but I also can’t believe freaking vanessa is on this website for entertainment? purposes. I think we’re all supposed to point and laugh and realise the gayness of this situation
In addition to the internet being hooked up at my new place I’ve got cable too. I’ve been staring agape at train wrecks all day. The Travel Channel is doing a “road food” marathon. Reading this and watching my fellow americans talk about “real southern” food is grounds for personal termination. Thanks.
Fucking brilliant! I loved it! hahahahaha…Vane$$a and BN together. Wow. What a fucking treat.
Wait, so those are all text messages? How fucking long did that take? Do you mean to say chat and just said text instead or is there some new way of texting from your computer that I don’t know about?
and why is the bold print only sometimes used? this is confusing.
A fucking lawsuit? I can see it now: Blognigger Mandelbaum v. Vane$$a Moneystein. Hmmmmm…
What?
Can you sum this up instead next time? I could be working ya know. Annoying girl forces blogger to talk. there. done.
Did you actually read that?? If so, you are beyond hope
tl:dr
Dudes! This is fucking fake. Duh.
ugh
this is fucking lame
For some fucking reason I had always assumed that jokes were meant to be funny. I guess I was wrong. Maybe I have cancer.
Street Carnage: Introducing our newest brand, Vane$$a!
WELL CAN I JUST CHIME IN HERE AND SAY CONGRADULATIONS TO BLOG NIGGER AND VANESSA FOR “KEEPING IT REAL” I MEAN COME ONE PEOPLE THEY ARE BEARING THERE SOULS HERE FOR ALL OF US BUT ANYWAYS GOOD JOB I THINK IT IS LIKE JOE THE PLUMBERS’ BABY STEPS INTO JOURNALISM LIKE ROGER L SIMON SAID, B PLUS
this was long. the picture was funny. ewcrest owt!!!
The Boner-crony meets the Blognigger, a dialogue among America’s newest literary voices.
The “Moneystein” joke is junny.
DISREGARD MY PREVIOUS POST, I SUCK COCKS
I didn’t read this at all.
This shit is retarted. BN needs to learn to type like a grown-ass man, and not a 15-year old girl.
Fuck BN and fuck this girl who’s too much of a coward to get her brother some real help.
is this funny if you normally read anything other than the “dos and don’ts” on the site?
This is unfunny, Gavin. And both characters have the same voice. HAHA
that sucked
i miss bn.
i’ve trained my eyes so that whenever i’m browsing the comments section of this website, and i see the name vane$$a, i skip further. just sayin’.
haha I just saw vane$$a’s myspace, now thats some funny shit
Hey, JUST A NORMAL GUY (THE ORIGINAL) –
No one is bearing a shit for you or any of you! For all we know, if that shit is not a joke it was meant to be private.
gavin IS strong, like lady strong.
yeesh!! This kinda reads like and episode of Davy and Goliath . What a fuckin wooden nickel Vane$$a is.
This was tl;dr to the max but I always laugh at what JUST A NORMAL GUY has to say.
too long.
boring.
and . . . interesting, that one moment where they finally make the connection? life is weird. like, i read that and was like, what just happened between them that i didn’t see? it was just as inane as the rest of it.
well, i liked it. i guess that makes me a faggoty teenaged girl. there are worse things, i suppose.
this was funny:
“rashburn Says:
01.14.09 at 9:36 pm
The Boner-crony meets the Blognigger, a dialogue among America’s newest literary voices.”
Look at all the comments about this pile of shit.
Vanessa is a guy and kind of weird apparently.
http://raymitheminx.com/?p=12285#comments
@CES: Prig time: It is absolutely critical when calling someone retarded that you spell retarded properly. Which reminds me of my favorite subway poster “graffiti” of late. It was a triumph of ill will and ignorance. A poster for the ING NYC Marathon featuring a wheelchair racer, next to it someone had scrawled “physically retarted bitch”. I still laugh about it, especially now as I look at the photo I keep in my iphone®.
Scroll up and read the exchange between Vanessa and rami.
http://raymitheminx.com/?p=12285#comments
liked it, but i have a thing for watching bitches like y’all get so pissy over fictions. 5 stars and bravo for BN and Vane$$a.
Is this the real Vane$$a? I’ve been staring at her dollar signs for several years now. This sh_t is 2 funny.
DRAMA LLAMAS FOR THE LOSE.
Oh my g-d, read that link Monty put up. Vane@@a really is a guy. That’s creepy.
I told you.
You know you’re sad when you make rami look relatively not pathetic.
something new is happening here.
did you lose that much readers during your gay break?
sc is evolving. how far will it go? not very far i guess..
hi peepees, you you remove the #comments from the url it goes to the top of the post, here i’ll show how to work the internet for you http://raymitheminx.com/?p=12285
Thanks nerd
Still capitalizing on BN, and in the lamest way possible. Gavin really is strong.
Boo fucking Hoo!!1111ONE. Leave this on your live journal page, set the mood to introspective and pump up the Sisters of Mercy.
Vane$$a is clearly one of those reverse needy types. “I’ll take care of u, make ur life better, I been there, now u can’t live without me, don’t jump!” type bitches. This reads like hacky movie dialogue. You sound like a medic in ‘nam movie trying to keep Private Leskowitz alive long enough to make it to the Huey. Fer fuck sake, what a martyr. Set up the webcam, give lil bro the pills, que the violins and let him Ann Hiro himself on stickam like Abraham Biggs: http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/webcam-suicide
BN you got bitchmade, grow a fucking pair. I was with you for the first minute with the “fuck off I got a real life, ur brother sucks” business, but u took a big tumble.
Man I haven’t spewed such vitriolic mean speak in the history of evar. But how can this crap end up on a site with street BONER in the name. Gavin is phoning this shit in. I hope this is a giant troll hoax. In which case I got got. Please post a hot girl today. I’m here to objectify women and make snarky jokes for lolz attentions, lets keep the eyes on the prize.
KTHXBI
awful.
rami and vanessa have a dialogue and this is the best you can do? Step it up folks.
This place is getting lame.
who is rami?
I think i like Vane$$a
SC telling me to slow down
glitch in your system yo
I used to take Lexapro and it made my dick limp. Lamictal is the best.
ugh
so meta it makes my brain palpitate.
I was just wondering.. how many people who regularly post on this site actually live in New York City?
fuck that was god awful. i’m guessing neither vanessa or blognigger had a hand in composing this and that makes it even fucking worse.
i am jealous. where is the post all about me? the only reason vane$$a is even famous, or that anyone knows shes a dude, is because of ME ME ME ME ME *temper tantrum* so where is my fucking page?
i also can’t believe it took me three months to find out about this shit.
fuck all of you. blog nigger i take it back that i like you, i super hate you now. fuck off forever.
ok but on second thought now that I have cooled down .0001° i do have to say that the picture is fucking hilarious.
tl;dr