Most people see stories like yours as social tragedies. They view your “closeted” status to be the product of an oppressive society’s intolerance of your real identity.

Not me.

The good news is that despite the disappointment you may feel from not getting any BAWWWW HAWWWW HAWWWWWWWWW sympathy from me, I can still fix your life for you right here and now.

But first, let’s narrow down your problem. Simply claiming that you’re “living a lie” is an extremely broad and sweeping statement. Let’s focus instead on the specific regrets at the root of your issue. What exactly do you mean by “living a lie?”

a) Do you mean you have no interest in continuing an intimate heterosexual relationship with your wife?

b) Do you mean you wish you had dated, developed a relationship with, and ultimately settled down with another man instead of your wife?

c) Do you mean you feel some abstract, looming guilt that you’ve somehow betrayed yourself / the homosexual community by living a traditional heterosexual lifestyle?

d) …or do you just mean you wish you could enjoy the probings of a frosty buttcock?

Since you can’t answer, let’s say it’s E) all of the above, ok?

So let’s take each one in turn:

a) You’re no longer interested in continuing an intimate heterosexual relationship with your wife.

Hey – Take a fuckin number, fruitsack: You think I’m interested in an intimate heterosexual sexual relationship with my wife? I’ve banged that shit 4 billion times for ten fucking years, in every position imaginable, watching everything from Debbie Does Dishes to Dora The Explorer’s Halloween Fiesta and then finishing all over Boots. I’ve been there and done that shit – and that’s exactly how EVERY single one of my married friends feels too. (“Married” is defined as married for 7 years and up. Shit, anyone can fuck a hot broad thrice a week for 7 years – you’re still hummin on wedding cake fumes! You still get hard thinkin about how she saved you from cocaine and AIDS! Talk to me after the big 7, chef-ra.)

Join the goddamn club. Now go get yourself some Cialis and take care of business when it’s your turn on the workwheel.

b) You wish you had dated, developed a relationship with, and ultimately settled down with another man instead of your wife?

You said that your wife is your best friend, right? Well I have the same privilege. Now listen: Do you have any idea how fucking lucky we are to be married to our BEST FRIENDS? So how could you ever improve that? You want to spend the rest of your life with someone LESS than your best friend? And you want to kick your best friend to the curb and destroy her life just because she’s not male? That sounds beyond sexist and disgusting to me – plus it sounds like behavior of an absolutely sociopathic, self-centered maniac.

When you’re talking about wishing you could go through dating and developing a relationship with a man… I’ll tell ya, that sounds an AWFUL lot to me like just wanting to get you some strange, albeit in a more estrogenic context. But yo, I can relate – I’d like to go on that first date again too – where holding hands makes your dick hard, and ya go to an expensive new restaurant and pass the salt with sexual tension, and make-out in the cabride home, and later on in their unfamiliar bedroom they’ll lick your ass cause they’ve never smelled your farts… right? Am I right?!

Guess what: Tough shit — you’re old! You don’t get that shit again. You’re lucky to have had it even once, let alone as many times as you did. It’s off the fuckin menu. Snap out of it. You’re old and need to focus on your wife and kids’ safety and well being. Summer’s over; It’s fall nigga, start rakin’ them leaves.

c) This business of having betrayed yourself or the homosexuals of planet earth. Man, that sounds like some liberal labeling brainwash to me. Betrayed the homosexuals? What the fuck have the homosexuals done for you? Can they really compete with what your wife has hooked you up with?

And how are you betraying yourself by living with your best friend and raising incredible kids? Fuck the idea that society is keeping you closeted – This whole notion of you not being “true to your identity” IS a complete construct of society. Nigga this IS your muthafuckin identity: you’re married with kids!

So what would be true to your identity? Divorcing your wife and ripping apart your family? That’s true to your identity alright: your identity as a selfish asshole who turns his loved one’s lives upside down so he can explore a path he never took. Let me get this straight – destroy their lives and then you’d be keeping it real? That would feel better because you’d no longer be living a lie? Get the fuck outta here.

d) Finally the goods: The frosty, frosty buttcock. This one I can understand nohomo – and I hope you’ll realize that this is what’s really behind all this shit; You love that dick, dont’cha brotha.

Well what’s the fuckin problem? Go help yourself to a frosty buttcock! There are millions of guys out there that will fuck your stank ass – that’s the great thing about being “gay!” You think they care you’re married? nigga please.

You like-a-da dick? So go suck a dick! Just be CAREFUL: don’t be one of these fucking assholes who can’t control themselves and has to live the DL Thug Life earning big uncut uncovered black cock – that’s just being a greedy bastard. Take a little cock here and there – why does it have to be the biggest blackest uncoveredest aidsiest dick you can find?

If you do take home the AIDS or something similar, it’s the biggest sin imaginable, and you really will go to the christian hell and burn like hitler. DON’T FUCK THIS PART UP. Go jack-off little amateurs from websites like craigslist – let ‘em shoot it onto your neck! Just don’t go to rest stops and bath houses and fuck unprotected meat like some retarded impulse-monkey. DON’T GET AIDS!

So see, instead of FREAKING THE FUCK OUT like a fag, be slow and use your head. You’re a lucky guy, living with your best friend and your kids. You want a little cock, go get yourself a little careful cock now and then. Fuckit, treat yourself to some taint. Be a rice queen and feel the tiny gooky pecker swirl around in your mouth like a gummy worm. But yo – recognize what is important in life. It’s not about being Straight or Gay – it’s about being a Man. Don’t turn your loved-one’s worlds upside down like a drama queen – I don’t see a helluva lot of difference between your current mid-life crisis and that of the DOUCHE who decides he was supposed to be a writer or a musician, and wants to fuck his wife and kids over midstream to go chase after his selfish dreams.

You’re a lucky guy, and most adults would give anything to be in your dick-loving shoes. Do the right thing and stay bored and safe like the rest of the lucky ones. Get a hobby: Go get your own awful blog to promote! I’ll link to you with a big cock jpeg and alt text that says: Here dwells Franz The Fake; a truly gay hero living the american dream.

Most sincerely and best of luck with the buttcock,